YOUR CHILD DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU
- Madhukar Dama
- May 2
- 6 min read
An Essay Every Parent Must Read Before It’s Too Late
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1. The Great Possession Illusion
From the first ultrasound photo shared on WhatsApp to the final engineering degree hung on the wall, Indian parents often carry a silent assumption:
“This child is mine.”
Not just in a biological sense, but as an emotional asset, a social investment, and eventually, a retirement policy.
The child becomes:
A trophy of good parenting,
A carrier of family name and pride,
A filler for their own emotional voids,
A project to complete what the parent failed to do.
But the truth is hard to hear:
Your child doesn’t belong to you. Not now. Not ever.
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2. Biological Creation ≠ Ownership
Yes, the child came through you.
But not for you.
The umbilical cord is cut, but the mental leash continues for decades:
“I gave birth to you.”
“I sacrificed everything for you.”
“You’re living under my roof.”
“You’ll marry whom I choose.”
But giving life doesn’t give you control over a life.
If that were true, every farmer could control the wind and the rain.
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3. Control is Sold as ‘Care’
Most modern parenting in India is a form of legalized dictatorship disguised as love:
Career chosen by parent.
Schedule decided by parent.
Friends approved by parent.
Emotions invalidated by parent.
Sleep, food, dress, hobbies – everything curated.
The child becomes a hostage of expectations, not a free-flowing being.
It’s not love. It’s colonization.
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4. The 4 Types of Possessive Parenting in India
Let’s call them what they are:
i. Emotional Slavery
> “Don’t hurt your mother like this.”
“I raised you with so much struggle.”
Guilt is used like a leash. The child is forced to comply.
ii. Academic Captivity
> “Get 95% or else…”
“My son is a doctor, what about yours?”
The child’s brain becomes a machine for parental bragging rights.
iii. Moral Ownership
> “Don’t talk to that girl.”
“This is not how decent children behave.”
Morality becomes a remote control. The child must behave to preserve the parent’s image.
iv. Financial Expectation
> “At least buy us a house.”
“We raised you, now it’s your turn.”
The child becomes a savings account. Love with interest.
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5. How This Destroys the Child
Depression from never being enough.
Anxiety from constantly performing for love.
People-pleasing as default personality.
Fear of failure because failure = unworthiness.
Inability to form honest relationships.
Addictions, escapism, rage — all symptoms of not being allowed to be.
What you see as a well-behaved child is often a trained, terrified performer.
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6. The Child’s Soul: A Sacred Guest
Indian traditions say:
> “Atithi Devo Bhava” – the guest is God.
What if your child is not your legacy, not your investment, not your shadow…
…but a guest soul, visiting through your home?
Would you imprison a guest?
Would you shame a guest for not being you?
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7. The Real Role of a Parent
You are not the owner.
You are the gardener.
Your job is to:
Provide sunlight and soil.
Let them bloom in their own shape.
Protect without chaining.
Guide without gripping.
And one day, let them leave without fear or guilt.
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8. Healing Begins With These 7 Questions
Ask yourself:
1. Can I love my child even if they completely reject my dreams?
2. Do I want them to be happy, or to make me proud?
3. Am I living my unlived life through them?
4. Do I allow them to feel, cry, and speak without judgment?
5. Do I trust them to make their own mistakes?
6. Can I apologize to them when I am wrong?
7. Will I still respect them if they walk away from me?
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9. Real Stories. Real Pain. Real Awakening.
A boy in Bengaluru fakes entrance coaching for two years. Ends his life. Why? Because he didn’t want to be a doctor.
A girl in Pune elopes and never contacts her parents again. Why? Because she never had a voice at home.
A man in his 40s still lives with his parents, emotionally stunted, afraid of marriage. Why? Because he was never trusted.
And thousands more like them, imprisoned in houses that looked like homes.
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10. What Happens When You Let Go?
When parents finally let go, something magical happens:
The child becomes honest.
The relationship becomes real.
There is laughter without control.
Love becomes a choice, not a demand.
And most importantly, you get to grow too.
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Final Quote Summary:
> "You can raise a child, but you can never own them. The sooner you realize this, the freer both of you become."
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HEALING DIALOGUE
"Your Child Doesn’t Belong to You"
Scene: A warm mud house in Kalaburagi. A married couple, Suresh and Anita, visit Madhukar the Healer with their teenage son Aryan and little daughter Neha. Suresh is a government teacher. Anita is a homemaker. Their faces are tired. Their words are scripted. Their fears are ancient.
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Suresh:
We don’t know what to do anymore, Madhukarji. Aryan doesn’t talk to us. He locks himself in his room. Says we don’t understand him.
Anita (sighing):
We gave him everything. Good school, tuition, phone, laptop, even guitar classes. Still he’s so angry all the time.
Madhukar (calmly cutting a guava):
Did you ever ask him what he needed… before giving him what you wanted?
Suresh:
Of course. We always wanted the best for him.
Madhukar:
You mean the best according to you.
There’s silence. Anita looks away. Aryan stares blankly at the floor.
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Act 1: The Mirror Breaks
Madhukar:
Suresh, what did your father want you to become?
Suresh:
An engineer.
Madhukar:
And you became…?
Suresh:
A teacher. I failed the CET.
Madhukar:
And for how many years did that guilt sit in your chest?
Suresh (softly):
Still there.
Madhukar:
And yet you’re trying to make your son carry your father’s ghost. Don’t you see? The curse is passed down like family jewellery.
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Act 2: The Real Disease
Madhukar:
Anita, when was the last time Aryan hugged you without fear?
Anita (voice breaking):
When he was 8. After that, he just… disappeared into the phone.
Madhukar:
He disappeared into the phone because he couldn’t be himself around you. He’s hiding from your expectations.
Aryan (quietly):
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I only know who I’m supposed to be.
Anita begins to cry. Suresh clenches his fists.
Madhukar:
You gave birth to a soul, not a servant.
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Act 3: Little Neha Speaks
Neha (innocently):
Appa, can I wear yellow chudidaar for the school play?
Anita:
No beta, white is better. It’s decent.
Madhukar (smiling):
There. Again. You see how early we start shaping them? One colour at a time.
Suresh:
We just want them to be safe. To be good.
Madhukar:
No. You want them to be predictable. Predictable children are easy to control. But they grow into adults who break down when life refuses to follow a syllabus.
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Act 4: The Uncomfortable Truth
Madhukar (leaning in):
Let me tell you what most parents don’t dare to admit.
> “They don’t want children.
They want obedient proof that they were right.”
That’s why you say:
“We gave you so much!”
“You should be grateful.”
“Don’t talk back.”
“Live near us.”
“Marry who we choose.”
You think it’s love. It’s possession.
Aryan isn’t disobedient. He’s resisting slavery.
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Act 5: Collapse and Rebirth
Suresh (tears in his eyes):
I never wanted to hurt him. I was just… afraid. That he’ll waste his life. That he won’t survive.
Madhukar:
You think he will survive better without his soul?
Anita (hugging Aryan):
I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t see you. I only saw my own fears.
Aryan (whispers):
I missed you, Amma. I miss being allowed to be me.
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Final Act: Madhukar’s Words
Madhukar (pouring buttermilk for all):
Children come through you, not for you.
They’re not your dreams.
Not your property.
Not your report card.
Not your second chance.
They are stars you shelter for a while… before they find their sky.
If you want love to remain,
remove the leash.
It’s the only way they’ll ever come back willingly.
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