YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE
- Madhukar Dama
- May 17
- 10 min read
— A Brutally Honest Essay on Parenting Across All Stages
---
Most parents today are overwhelmed. Not just because children are hard to raise, but because they’re trying to give what they don’t have. They expect themselves to offer patience, presence, wisdom, healing, discipline, and love — while carrying unhealed wounds, unresolved identities, and chaotic lifestyles.
From pregnancy to adolescence, the failures in parenting stem from one root truth:
You cannot give what you never built within yourself.
This essay explores each phase of parenting — from pre-birth to late teenage — through this lens, with real examples at every stage.
---
1. BEFORE BIRTH: YOU CANNOT GIVE SAFETY IF YOU LIVE IN FEAR
Many pregnancies begin with anxiety. Mothers fear stretch marks, weight gain, hospital risks. Fathers fear bills, career pressure, loss of freedom.
The child inside is marinated in that fear.
Example 1:
A woman obsessed with C-section rates, epidurals, and baby gadgets unconsciously passes insecurity into the womb. The baby arrives jittery and sensitive to noise.
Example 2:
A father who doesn’t want a child but agrees under pressure walks around silent. His emotional absence forms the child’s first imprint — rejection.
---
2. INFANCY: YOU CANNOT GIVE CALM IF YOU ARE FRAGMENTED
Infants don’t learn through words. They absorb their caregivers’ nervous systems. A parent who is sleep-deprived, constantly on phone, reacting in panic — teaches the child that life is unstable.
Example 1:
A mother scrolls Instagram while breastfeeding, unaware the baby keeps unlatching.
The baby stops seeking eye contact.
Example 2:
A father bottle-feeds while taking work calls.
He calls it multitasking.
The baby learns that food comes with noise, not warmth.
---
3. TODDLER YEARS: YOU CANNOT TEACH BOUNDARIES IF YOU NEVER HAD THEM
When toddlers say “No,” they are learning control. But if you were punished for disobedience as a child, you’ll either collapse (“Let them do anything”) or rage (“How dare you!”).
Both destroy boundaries.
Example 1:
A parent who was never allowed to say no now lets their toddler rule the home — screen time, meals, sleep. The child becomes wild, anxious, aggressive.
Example 2:
A father whose own father hit him now shouts when his toddler throws food. “Just eat it!”
He believes he's being firm, but he’s just repeating trauma.
---
4. EARLY CHILDHOOD: YOU CANNOT GIVE CURIOSITY IF YOU WERE SHAMED FOR QUESTIONS
Children between 4–7 are full of “Why?”
But a parent who was mocked, ignored, or told “don’t ask stupid things” cannot respond with wonder.
They shut it down — out of fear or shame.
Example 1:
A child asks, “Why do people die?”
The mother says, “Don't talk nonsense!”
That child later googles everything.
They never come back with questions.
Example 2:
A father laughs at his child’s drawing. “That’s not what a dog looks like!”
The child quietly stops drawing forever.
---
5. MIDDLE CHILDHOOD: YOU CANNOT TEACH DISCIPLINE IF YOU HATE ROUTINE
Parents who themselves sleep late, eat junk, skip housework, and never sit still —
try to “discipline” their 8-year-old into routines they never followed.
Children see through it.
Example 1:
A parent insists the child wake up early, but they themselves wake at 10am.
The child stops listening — not from defiance, but from truth.
Example 2:
A mother demands homework done on time — but never pays bills on time, keeps forgetting lunch boxes.
The child sees her chaos and learns that rules are fake.
---
6. PRE-TEEN: YOU CANNOT TEACH CONFIDENCE IF YOU LIVE FOR APPROVAL
If you hate your body, fear judgment, or seek validation from relatives or social media —
you cannot raise a confident pre-teen.
Your child becomes your mirror.
Example 1:
A mother who criticizes her own face now tells her 11-year-old daughter “You’re beautiful.”
But the child watches her hide behind filters and learns that beauty is terror.
Example 2:
A father who is never satisfied with himself keeps saying “Be your best.”
The son thinks love has to be earned, and never feels enough.
---
7. TEENAGE: YOU CANNOT GUIDE FREEDOM IF YOU NEVER HEALED CONTROL ISSUES
Teenagers test limits. But most parents, deep inside, are terrified of loss of control.
So they don’t guide — they monitor, nag, or snoop.
Example 1:
A girl wants to go cycling with friends. The father demands location-sharing, video calls, and curfew.
She agrees. Then breaks every rule.
Example 2:
A boy locks himself in his room. The mother panics. Opens the door. Demands explanations.
He stops sharing anything.
---
8. CONFLICTS: YOU CANNOT RESOLVE IF YOU NEVER LEARNED TO LISTEN
Parents want obedience, not conversation.
They hear only to respond.
They don’t ask, “What is my child really saying?”
Example 1:
A boy says, “I hate school.”
The father replies, “You’re lazy. You’ll end up on the street.”
The boy learns: hide your truth.
Example 2:
A daughter says, “You don’t understand me.”
The mother replies, “After all I’ve done for you?”
The child never speaks from the heart again.
---
9. MISTAKES: YOU CANNOT FORGIVE IF YOU NEVER FACED YOUR OWN FAILURES
Most parents punish children’s mistakes — not because they’re wrong, but because they never healed from being punished themselves.
They’re allergic to error.
Example 1:
A child breaks a vase. The father hits him — then regrets it.
But never apologizes.
That unspoken shame becomes the child’s language of love.
Example 2:
A teenager gets poor marks. The mother mocks her in front of guests.
She calls it motivation.
But it’s inherited cruelty — masked as discipline.
---
10. GROWING UP: YOU CANNOT LET GO IF YOU NEVER FELT WHOLE
When children begin detaching — it triggers abandonment in parents who never built lives of their own.
So they guilt, shame, or emotionally blackmail the child into dependency.
Example 1:
A college-going son says he wants to move out.
The mother cries, says “You’ll forget me!”
She offers emotional wounds instead of encouragement.
Example 2:
A daughter says she wants to study fashion.
The father responds, “After all we gave you, this is how you repay us?”
His pain is not about her future — it’s about his own unfulfilled dreams.
---
CONCLUSION:
Parenting is not a performance.
It is a reflection.
A mirror of everything you’ve healed — and everything you haven’t.
You cannot give calm if you are agitated.
You cannot give listening if you talk over your own feelings.
You cannot give warmth if you were raised in coldness.
You cannot give truth if you are living a lie.
Before raising your child — raise yourself.
Before offering love — learn what love really is.
Before asking them to grow — grow out of your own pain.
That’s how parenting becomes real.
Not by being perfect.
But by being honest.
---
---
“BEFORE YOU RAISE A CHILD, RAISE YOURSELF”
A full-day healing encounter between a couple and Madhukar, the hermit. Their child watches silently as unspoken truths come to light.
---
SCENE 1 — ARRIVAL AT THE FOREST HERMITAGE
Madhukar stands outside his small mud home near the forest. A young couple, Kavya (35) and Arvind (38), arrive with their 9-year-old son, Yuvaan. The child clutches his mother’s hand tightly. He hasn’t spoken much in months. Teachers say he’s emotionally withdrawn. Kavya believes he’s “too sensitive.” Arvind thinks “he just needs discipline.” They’ve tried therapy. They’ve read parenting books. Nothing has changed.
---
SCENE 2 — SITTING DOWN TO TRUTH
Madhukar (gently):
You’ve come with a broken branch. But let me see the tree.
Let’s talk about you — not your child.
Kavya (confused):
But Yuvaan is the one with problems. He refuses to speak. He gets scared easily. He won’t sleep alone.
Madhukar:
And you both — when was the last time you slept peacefully?
(Silence.)
Arvind:
Honestly? It’s been years. I lie awake thinking about work, EMIs, his future...
Madhukar:
Exactly. He is not separate. He is your nervous system, walking in smaller clothes.
---
SCENE 3 — THE MOTHER’S VOID
Madhukar (to Kavya):
Tell me how you were raised.
Kavya (pauses):
I was an obedient girl. Good marks. Never disrespected elders. But… I never felt heard.
My mother always told me to smile, be polite, hide emotions.
Madhukar:
So now when your son cries, you rush to shut it down.
Not because he’s wrong — but because his pain touches your own unprocessed pain.
Kavya (eyes welling):
Yes… when he whimpers at night, I feel suffocated. Like it’s too much.
Madhukar:
That’s because you were never allowed to whimper.
You weren’t comforted — so now you don’t know how to comfort.
---
SCENE 4 — THE FATHER’S CONTROL
Madhukar (turning to Arvind):
And you? What do you fear the most?
Arvind (after a long silence):
Losing control.
Of money. Of time. Of him.
I shout when he doesn’t listen. I hate it. But I do it anyway.
Madhukar:
Because your father shouted. And his father before him.
Anger is your inheritance.
Arvind:
I promised myself I’d be better. But sometimes… I see my father’s face in the mirror when I yell.
Madhukar:
That’s because you haven’t made peace with the child you once were.
You still think being “obeyed” means you’re worthy.
---
SCENE 5 — A MOMENT OF SEEING
Yuvaan sits quietly, drawing circles in the dirt.
Madhukar (to both):
Look at him now.
He’s not broken. He’s absorbing you both like dry soil.
You don’t need to fix him. You need to fill yourselves.
Kavya:
But how?
Madhukar:
Begin with honesty.
Stop pretending to be calm. Stop outsourcing peace to gadgets, food, or therapy.
Sit with your silence. Let your rage surface. Grieve. Then begin again.
---
SCENE 6 — THE TEARFUL UNLEARNING
The couple now sits apart, facing their past.
Madhukar:
Kavya, you want to nurture. But your well is dry.
Go back. Drink from the memory of your girlhood. Find the grief you buried. Mourn it.
Arvind, you want to lead. But you don’t trust yourself.
Stand in your own weakness first. Then strength will come without shouting.
Both of you —
stop expecting this boy to save your marriage, your self-worth, your sanity.
He is not here to complete you.
He is here to be raised by someone who is willing to raise themselves first.
---
SCENE 7 — NIGHTFALL BY THE FIRE
Yuvaan finally sits beside Madhukar.
He watches his parents speak calmly for the first time. No screens. No instructions. Just listening.
Yuvaan (softly):
Can we stay here tomorrow too?
Madhukar (smiling):
No, little one. You’ll go back. But take this silence with you.
It will grow.
Just like you will.
---
SCENE 8 — ONE YEAR LATER (FOLLOW-UP)
They return.
Yuvaan laughs freely now. He asks questions. Draws trees. Sleeps alone.
Kavya has quit overplanning. She meditates, sings, and hugs more.
Arvind reads with his son every night. He apologizes when he snaps. He no longer needs to control to feel respected.
Madhukar:
You didn’t fix him.
You fed yourself.
And that is the only way a child truly grows.
---
CLOSING LINES BY MADHUKAR:
You cannot give what you don’t have.
You cannot fill a child with what your heart has never known.
Before you raise a child,
Raise yourself.
Feed yourself.
Hold yourself.
Then the giving will be real.
Not a burden. Not a technique.
But a natural overflow.
---
“RAISE YOURSELF FIRST, DAMN IT”
The poem of every parent trying to give from an empty place
---
the child came out soft,
like dough waiting to be shaped.
but your hands were stiff from your own childhood.
you didn't know how to hold
without folding.
you didn't know how to shape
without slicing.
you kissed him at birth
but rolled your eyes three months later.
you said “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”
but you meant:
“you better make my pain worth it.”
you thought becoming a parent
would erase the parent you had.
you thought new clothes, new strollers, new mantras
would make you new.
but you were always going to be
the same frightened child
in bigger clothes,
now with someone smaller to ruin.
you yelled at your child for shouting,
and whispered lies to yourself to sleep.
you told her to believe in herself
while never believing in your own worth.
you told him to be disciplined
while your body lived on impulse and dread.
you think you’re guiding them
but you’re just leaking
your unhealed pieces
into their skin.
your kid doesn’t need
a soft-spoken monster
who smiles for others
and breaks things behind doors.
your kid doesn’t need
a parent who buys organic food
but can’t look them in the eye
when they cry.
your kid doesn’t need
a diploma in psychology
or 14 parenting books
if you still flinch at your own reflection.
---
you cannot give presence
if you’re always planning escape.
you cannot give touch
if your palms only remember punishment.
you cannot give play
if your spine is stiff with shame.
you tried to be “better.”
but better than what?
your father’s belt?
your mother’s silence?
you think avoiding their mistakes
is the same as healing.
it’s not.
you’re still just reacting.
not living.
not loving.
not seeing.
---
your child isn’t failing.
you are.
and not because you’re bad —
because you’re empty.
your love isn’t landing
because it’s not coming from fullness —
just desperation.
and kids can smell fake love
before they know what words are.
they retreat.
they act out.
they shut down.
they mirror the noise you won’t face.
---
you say,
“my child is anxious.”
but it’s your breath that’s shallow.
you say,
“he doesn’t talk to me anymore.”
but you never listened when he did.
you think your child is “sensitive.”
no.
your child is a mirror.
and you can’t stand your own reflection.
---
so what now?
you stop.
you sit.
you stop performing.
you stop scrolling, pretending, reading, fixing.
you face the rot.
you scream into your pillow
what you were never allowed to say.
you shake
until your rage no longer drips onto their bedsheets.
you cry
without blaming anyone else.
you admit you don’t know how to love
but you’re willing to learn.
---
and maybe,
when your child calls next time —
you won’t answer with a lecture
or a punishment
or a deflection.
you’ll just sit.
on the floor.
on their level.
in your truth.
and say:
“I was broken.
I still am.
But I won’t break you to feel whole.”
---
so raise yourself, damn it.
before you ruin the only thing
that ever believed in you without proof.
that child
already knows how to love.
don’t teach them how to forget.
---
