WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
- Madhukar Dama
- May 19
- 5 min read
YOUR IDENTITY IS ALWAYS DETERMINED BY OTHERS. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDENTITY OF YOUR OWN
A blunt look at how what you think of as “you” is just a collection of labels, roles, and reactions shaped by others — and why it’s better not to take any of it too seriously
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I. INTRODUCTION: YOU WERE NEVER ASKED WHO YOU ARE
From the beginning, you were named and described by others.
You were told your gender, your religion, your behavior, your place in the family.
You were judged, corrected, compared, and praised.
You quickly learned which parts of you were accepted — and which were ignored or punished.
This is how identity is formed.
Not by discovery, but by adaptation.
You adjusted to survive.
What you now call your “personality” is the result of years of this process.
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II. MOST OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF COMES FROM OUTSIDE
Think about it.
The way you dress
The job you chose
The way you speak
What you consider success
How you see yourself in relationships
What you hide
What you show off
All of this has been shaped by what others approved, tolerated, or admired.
Even your so-called “rebellion” is often just a reaction to what someone else expected.
There is nothing original in it.
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III. EXAMPLES OF OUTSOURCED IDENTITY
“I’m successful”
According to social, academic, or financial standards invented by others.
“I’m a good parent”
According to comparisons and validation from schools, relatives, or social media.
“I’m independent”
Usually defined by career status, not actual self-reliance.
“I’m spiritual”
Often borrowed language, behavior, and aesthetics shaped by groups or traditions.
In every case, the identity is maintained for someone else’s perception.
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IV. WHEN THE IMAGE BREAKS, YOU PANIC
You lose the job.
You gain weight.
You are no longer praised.
You can’t perform the role anymore.
Suddenly, your value feels reduced.
Because the identity was tied to outcomes — not to anything stable.
Most people continue to chase the next label instead of recognizing that there was no foundation to begin with.
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V. WHY PEOPLE DEFEND THEIR ROLES SO DESPERATELY
Because if you admit you don’t know who you are, you lose social leverage.
And without an identity to show, others may not know how to treat you.
This makes people anxious.
So they hold onto roles tightly — even when it damages their health or peace.
This is how people destroy themselves for the sake of being:
A good employee
A strong father
A successful person
An impressive partner
A consistent personality
There’s no reward for this — just exhaustion.
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VI. YOU HAVE NO FIXED SELF — AND THAT’S FINE
There is no final version of you to discover.
There is no hidden “real you” waiting to be found.
You change based on context, history, energy, and necessity.
Trying to define yourself once and for all is a waste of energy.
It only leads to disappointment and confusion.
The better choice is to stop overidentifying with whatever you’ve been told you are.
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VII. THE HEALTH COST OF TAKING IDENTITY SERIOUSLY
People ruin their health trying to match the image.
Working long hours to maintain status
Under-eating or over-exercising to match body ideals
Suppressing emotions to appear stable
Overparenting to seem like good mothers or fathers
Spending beyond means to appear successful
Remaining in toxic families or marriages for social image
This is not strength. It is deterioration.
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VIII. THE MORE YOU PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY, THE LESS FREE YOU ARE
You live defensively.
You make decisions based on how they will affect your label.
You avoid anything that doesn’t fit the role you’ve accepted.
You don’t rest properly.
You don’t eat simply.
You don’t express honestly.
You don’t change directions.
Because you’re not living — you’re maintaining a public version of yourself.
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IX. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
Not “find yourself.”
Not “create a better identity.”
Not “reinvent your personality.”
Instead:
Observe how much of your life is driven by image maintenance.
Reduce the energy spent defending or projecting a fixed idea of yourself.
Do not invest your health, time, or relationships in protecting roles.
Let others think what they want.
Notice how things function without the performance.
You don’t need to define who you are.
You only need to stop damaging yourself in the name of being someone.
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X. CONCLUSION: YOU ARE A FLUID, ADAPTING HUMAN ANIMAL — NOT A BRAND
The idea of a “core identity” is overvalued.
What matters more is your physical well-being, your peace of mind, and your ability to live simply.
If carrying your image is costing you sleep, digestion, breath, or presence —
it’s not worth it.
You don’t owe anyone a fixed version of yourself.
And you certainly don’t have to be destroyed trying to maintain one.
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“YOU DON’T HAVE AN IDENTITY. JUST A LIST OF ROLES YOU’RE EXHAUSTED FROM PLAYING.”
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they named you
before you could speak.
boy. girl.
gifted. quiet. obedient.
troublemaker. topper. average.
good child. black sheep.
their words
entered your ears
before you knew what ears were for.
and you believed them.
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you grew up performing.
first for marks.
then for smiles.
then for attention.
then for praise.
then for survival.
you wore titles like uniforms.
student. son. achiever. employee. spouse.
parent. taxpayer.
spiritual seeker.
each one stitched on you
by someone who wanted
you to behave.
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you smiled for photos
that made you feel fake.
you posted quotes
that you didn’t live.
you said “i’m fine”
when you were exhausted.
and they called it maturity.
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you weren’t growing.
you were conforming.
shrinking.
compacting.
streamlining yourself
into something explainable.
you learned
how to be liked.
how to be seen.
how to be useful.
how to disappear
without making noise.
---
you became
a manager
a mother
a yoga-certified, detoxing,
hormone-balancing robot
with digital proof of productivity.
you didn’t notice
you’d forgotten how to
breathe
without justifying it.
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you wear the labels so long
they become skin.
and you call it
identity.
but take away
the job,
the family,
the profile,
the body,
the name...
and you panic.
not because you lost yourself.
but because you realize
you never had one.
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you thought
there was a “you”
underneath it all.
but there isn’t.
there’s just
whatever’s left
when you stop pretending.
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but you’re scared of that.
because you were raised
to be valuable.
not real.
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you spent your life
trying to be someone.
someone good.
someone smart.
someone impressive.
someone lovable.
someone spiritual.
someone strong.
and now you’re tired.
not from living.
from pretending to live.
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they told you:
“be yourself.”
but what they meant was:
“be the version of you we can handle.”
---
you don’t need to find yourself.
you need to stop
sacrificing your lungs
for applause.
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you don’t have an identity.
you have obligations.
and fears.
and memories of who they said you should be.
and a body that keeps the score.
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you want to be free?
stop fixing the mask.
start noticing who you're serving
every time you call it “me.”
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