THE TRAP OF “HOW TO…?” — BREAKING FREE FROM THE CULTURE OF OUTSOURCED LIVING
- Madhukar Dama
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
INTRODUCTION: THE MOST DANGEROUS QUESTION
As long as you keep asking, “How to…?” — how to be happy, how to be successful, how to meditate, how to eat, how to heal, how to think, how to parent, how to love, how to forgive, how to live, and even how to die — you remain a hostage.
A hostage to experts.
A hostage to gurus.
A hostage to books, videos, podcasts, institutions, workshops, motivational talks, and therapy sessions.
We have built an entire civilization on the false premise that life must be learned through instruction — not lived through direct experience and instinct.
And this one question — “How to…?” — has become the greatest weapon of the market and the self-proclaimed guides who want to ride on your insecurity, uncertainty, and discomfort with being still.
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I. THE ADDICTION TO “HOW TO…?”
From childhood, we are taught that every situation has a correct method, and every method has an expert.
At school, you ask: How to solve this sum?
At home: How to be a good boy?
As a teen: How to be attractive?
As an adult: How to get rich? How to be productive? How to manage time?
In suffering: How to heal?
In silence: How to meditate?
In relationships: How to communicate better?
And even in death: How to attain moksha?
We have become procedural creatures, obsessed with step-by-step algorithms, terrified of not “doing it right.”
We can no longer sit with a question, or hold pain, or stare into the fog of uncertainty — so we ask someone else to rescue us with a roadmap.
But life is not a cooking recipe.
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II. THE INDUSTRY THAT LIVES OFF YOUR QUESTIONS
Each “How to…?” question you ask creates a market.
There is no shortage of supply — for every anxiety, there is a guide:
How to be confident? — Buy this course.
How to parent consciously? — Attend this webinar.
How to overcome heartbreak? — Watch this 7-step video.
How to sleep better? — Get this supplement and guided audio.
How to be mindful? — Subscribe to this app.
Experts and gurus thrive not on truth, but on your fear of being without a technique.
They know that:
> As long as you keep asking “how?”, they can keep selling.
And they have mastered the art of promising transformation without ever delivering the freedom to stop asking.
Because the moment you stop asking, their business collapses.
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III. THE FRAUD OF OUTSOURCED LIFE
Why don’t the “how to” solutions work?
Because they bypass your direct contact with life.
They offer formulas where presence is needed.
They offer routines where inner listening is needed.
They offer mantras where silence is needed.
They replace your inner compass with external instructions.
Examples:
A man reads 50 books on “how to be rich” but remains broke because his fear of failure is never addressed.
A woman watches 100 reels on “how to love yourself” but still loathes her reflection because she never sat with her childhood pain.
Parents read endless blogs on “how to be conscious” but scream at their child daily, because no guide told them to heal their inner child.
A seeker attends 20 retreats on “how to find peace,” but peace never arrives, because they never learned to do nothing.
In truth, every “how to” answer distances you from real, lived transformation.
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IV. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP ASKING?
Stillness. Silence. Clarity.
When you stop asking “how to…” you enter the raw unfiltered moment.
You begin to:
Listen to your body’s cues, not food influencers.
Feel your sadness instead of Googling “how to be happy.”
Sit with your anger instead of looking up “how to manage emotions.”
Heal naturally instead of searching “how to build immunity.”
Your intelligence returns.
Your instincts awaken.
Examples of Life Without “How to…”
1. A mother who stops asking “how to be a better parent” begins simply being present with her child. The connection heals both.
2. A man in pain stops searching “how to meditate” and just sits under a tree. Breathing. Feeling. Healing.
3. A woman with chronic illness stops chasing health tips and begins sleeping, crying, fasting, forgiving. Her body responds.
4. A teenager who stops asking “how to be confident” begins doing real things — planting a tree, walking in the rain, helping someone quietly — and grows into confidence.
5. A spiritual seeker stops asking “how to attain moksha” and simply lives honestly, eats naturally, drops drama. Peace follows.
When you stop asking, life flows back like water into a cracked earth.
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V. HOW TO BREAK THE “HOW TO” HABIT? (Ironically…)
1. Catch yourself — Notice every time you type “how to…” in Google or ask someone else for a life answer.
2. Ask why — Are you avoiding something uncomfortable inside you?
3. Turn the question inward — Instead of “How to be free?”, ask: “What is blocking my freedom now?”
4. Experiment boldly — Try things without instructions. Eat. Move. Speak. Heal. Fail. Learn.
5. Listen to life — Your body, your relationships, your pain, your nature — all are giving feedback. No guru needed.
And above all —
> Sit quietly. Without agenda. Without search. Without “how to.”
And watch your life unfold like a seed that knows how to become a tree.
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VI. THE TRUE GURU IS LIFE
The real guru is not the man with the beard, robe, or course.
The real guru is your:
Headache that comes from pretending.
Gut that resists packaged food.
Child’s tears when you scroll your phone.
Morning sunlight on your closed window.
Unexplained ache when you lie to yourself.
When you stop asking how to live, and simply live fully — these are the gurus that awaken you.
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CONCLUSION: FALLING INTO LIFE
You were not born asking “how to cry?”
You didn’t need guidance to take your first breath.
You laughed without a manual. Loved without a theory.
You walked into life, wild and free.
And then the world taught you to ask “how?”
Now, it is time to unlearn.
To let go.
To drop the self-help scaffolding.
To walk barefoot into the raw forest of life again — where everything is alive, and no one tells the trees how to grow.
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“THE DISEASE CALLED HOW”
they sold me
a manual on breathing.
said I was doing it wrong
my whole damn life.
then they sold me
a map to happiness.
but the roads were all toll booths
and the joy had a subscription fee.
they told me
how to walk,
how to talk,
how to eat greens,
how to sleep like a winner,
how to think positive
while the rent slips under the door
like a quiet curse.
I lived on
“how to…”
like a rat on glue—
desperate, twitching,
never arriving.
one day I sat
in a chair that wasn’t ergonomic
with a body that wasn’t optimized
and a soul that wasn’t aligned.
and I stopped.
stopped
asking,
googling,
copying,
buying.
I let silence
wrap me
like a wet cloth in summer.
and it didn’t teach me a thing.
it just stared back.
and finally,
so did I.
that was the day
I learned everything.
not “how to live.”
just
how to stop faking it.
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