THE CHILD IS NOT YOUR SECOND CHANCE
- Madhukar Dama
- May 3
- 4 min read
You didn’t become a doctor.
So now your daughter must.
You didn’t get applause.
So now your son must perform.
You lived in fear.
So now your child must not make a single mistake.
This is not parenting.
This is emotional theft.
Your child is not your second chance.
Your child is not your unfulfilled dream wearing a school uniform.
Your child is not a correction of your regret.
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1. ADD CULTURAL LAYERS: HOW DIFFERENT COMMUNITIES ADD UNIQUE PRESSURES
In Tamil Brahmin families, music or IIT are sacred.
In Marwari families, business is passed like heirloom.
In Muslim families, becoming a doctor is often tied to pride.
In Dalit families, education is survival.
In each case, the child is burdened by collective history, not their calling.
Example: A Bengali boy who loves painting is pushed into science because “engineers earn more.” His art dies quietly in his school bag.
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2. TRACE ORIGINS OF THE PARENT’S PAIN
The parent who projects onto the child often has an unlived life.
Maybe they were stopped from dancing. Maybe they failed an exam and never forgave themselves.
Instead of healing, they hand the burden forward.
Example: A woman in her 40s who never got to study CA insists her daughter must clear all levels, even if she cries every night.
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3. SHOW LONG-TERM EFFECTS ON CHILD’S LIFE TRAJECTORY
The child may achieve everything but feel nothing.
They may reach the goal, but forget who they are.
They may succeed in career, but collapse in marriage, friendships, or health.
Example: A 30-year-old techie in Bengaluru with a 30L salary, but suffers anxiety, digestive issues, and says, “I don’t know what I want.”
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4. INCLUDE EMOTIONAL SIGNS OF DAMAGE IN CHILDREN
Chronic guilt
Decision paralysis
Impostor syndrome
Repressed anger
Example: A girl who got 98% in 12th boards but cried alone because her father asked, “Where did you lose those 2 marks?”
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5. DEEPEN THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PATTERNS
Projection creates internal conflict.
The child hears two voices: “I want this” vs. “I must do that.”
Over time, the inner voice dies, and the external script takes over.
Example: A boy wants to study geography but enrolls in law, and years later, hates both courtrooms and himself.
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6. EXPLORE GENDERED EXPECTATIONS
Girls are told: be perfect, be obedient, get good marks, don’t shame the family.
Boys are told: don’t cry, earn big, prove yourself.
Both are not raised, but programmed.
Example: A boy interested in cooking is mocked for being “girlish” and denied a seat in a culinary course.
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7. ADD THE RELIGIOUS AND SPIRITUAL MISUSE
Parents say: “This is dharma.”
They quote scriptures to enforce blind obedience.
Spirituality becomes control.
Example: A child who wants to question rituals is called sinful and arrogant, rather than curious.
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8. INCLUDE GRANDPARENTS’ ROLE IN CONTINUING THE CYCLE
Grandparents often shame the parents who let children choose.
They say, “In our time we listened. That’s why we survived.”
This forces parents to repeat control, even if they know better.
Example: A father who supported his son’s writing dream was guilted by his own father for being “too soft.”
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9. CONNECT TO NATIONAL EDUCATION OBSESSION
India’s schooling system is a rat race of ranks, not discovery.
Parental projections blend with school pressure.
A child becomes a number, not a person.
Example: A mother slaps her daughter for getting 93% in NEET mock test — “How will you beat the competition with this attitude?”
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10. OFFER A VISION OF LIBERATION
Parents must reclaim their own stories first.
Let children explore, fail, express, wander.
Support, don’t script.
Example: A father who hated engineering lets his son open a pottery studio. Years later, the son supports the whole family — joyfully.
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CONCLUSION
The child is not your reincarnation.
Not your apology.
Not your trophy.
Not your unfinished sentence.
The child is their own poem.
And the only thing you owe them — is to listen without needing to rewrite it.
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THE SECOND CHANCE THAT NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN
(A Brutal, Unapologetic Poem on Parental Projection in India)
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you had dreams
they died.
now you’ve stitched their corpses
into your child’s schoolbag.
you wanted to dance,
so now she must stand straight, smile wide,
and win a medal
for a dream that never belonged to her.
you failed the exam,
so now he must clear it,
or he’s a disgrace.
you call this love.
it’s not.
it’s slavery
in the name of sacrifice.
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you never healed,
so now your pain lives
in their timetable.
their heartbeat ticks to your regrets.
you silence them
with your hopes.
you crush them
with your shame.
you say,
“do it for me.”
and they do.
until they forget
what they ever wanted.
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you dress it in sanskaar,
in discipline,
in “what’s best for you.”
but the truth is —
you are scared.
you never lived.
and you cannot stand
to watch someone else breathe freely.
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so you knead them like dough,
cut them like cloth,
sculpt them like idols.
not to worship —
but to worship yourself
through them.
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and when they collapse,
with a job, a house,
and no will to live,
you ask —
“where did we go wrong?”
you didn’t go wrong.
you never allowed them
to go at all.
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they were your second chance.
not your child.
and now they are
another you.
shining
and dead inside.
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