STARING TO CONTROL
- Madhukar Dama
- May 20
- 13 min read
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INTRODUCTION: THE MYTH OF EYE CONTACT
Modern culture glorifies eye contact.
It is treated as the highest sign of honesty, intimacy, confidence, or strength.
But this illusion breaks the moment we stop romanticizing and start observing.
Direct eye contact is not always connection — it is often control.
Not a request — but a demand.
Not curiosity — but conquest.
The one who looks into your eyes and doesn’t look away is not inviting you in.
He is checking if you’ll submit.
This essay strips the illusion of the gaze.
From wild animals to lovers, cops to cults, children to parents —
The eyes have been used to enslave.
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1. THE PRIMAL CHALLENGE — IN NATURE AND BODY LANGUAGE
In the wild, direct eye contact is a sign of aggression or power.
Wolves: Only the alpha maintains the stare. Subordinates look away to avoid punishment.
Chimpanzees: A lower-ranked male who holds eye contact is interpreted as starting a fight.
Humans: Babies break eye contact with strangers. Toddlers hide their faces when ashamed. Children instinctively drop their gaze to avoid punishment.
REALITY: Eye contact is not "natural love." It's natural hierarchy.
The one who initiates and holds it wants to define the terms — and usually, you lose.
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2. THE CORPORATE STARE: OFFICE ROOMS ARE SILENT BATTLEFIELDS
In formal systems, prolonged eye contact is never casual.
Job interviews: The interviewer holds eye contact to observe how much nervousness they can trigger.
Board meetings: Senior managers use the gaze to assert authority without needing to speak.
Performance reviews: The one with higher power always holds the gaze longer, forcing the junior to nod along even when unfairly criticized.
REALITY: The stare is not for understanding.
It is a test of who breaks first. The one who breaks is marked weak, replaceable, obedient.
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3. THE DOMESTIC CAGE: FAMILIAR EYES, HIDDEN WEAPONS
Eye contact is even more potent inside homes.
It is used not just to control — but to manipulate through guilt and shame.
3.1 CHILDREN AS MANIPULATIVE STARERS
When the child wants chips or sugar: They don’t shout. They sit in front of you, raise their eyebrows slightly, and stare.
You say “no” — but they don’t argue. They keep looking. Quiet.
You feel bad. You imagine you’re being cruel. You feel pressure build up.
Finally, you give in.
REALITY: The child never needed to cry.
Just one prolonged look, and you caved.
The child has learned: “If I stare long enough, you will break.”
This isn’t communication. This is emotional blackmail in silence.
3.2 PARENTS USING THE “EYE SILENCE” AS PUNISHMENT
When the child misbehaves, the parent doesn’t talk. Just locks eyes with a disappointed expression.
The child becomes tense, afraid, cornered — but doesn’t even understand what was wrong.
The parent doesn’t explain. They just use eyes as punishment.
REALITY: This leads to confusion, shame, and internal guilt programming.
The child doesn’t learn right or wrong.
They just learn how to read moods and manipulate outcomes.
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4. ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: SEDUCTION, POSSESSION, AND TRAPS
4.1 THE LIE OF “EYE CONTACT MEANS LOVE”
Many abusers maintain strong eye contact while apologizing.
The victim feels, “He’s looking into my soul — he must be sincere.”
But nothing changes. The next day, the abuse continues.
REALITY: Looking into someone’s eyes is not proof of love.
It’s often a way to weaken their guard.
4.2 CONTROL THROUGH FAKE INTIMACY
During courtship, some people use intense eye contact to fast-forward closeness.
The other person feels "seen," “understood,” and emotionally naked — even though they barely know the other.
REALITY: This technique bypasses boundaries.
It tricks the other person into trusting too early, giving too much, regretting later.
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5. SCHOOL AND DISCIPLINE: EYE CONTACT AS SUBMISSION TRAINING
From age 4 onward, children are taught: “Look into the teacher’s eyes when you speak.”
But this doesn’t build confidence. It teaches obedience.
Example: In classrooms, the teacher stares at the student who answered wrong. The class laughs. The child looks down, ashamed.
Over time, children learn not to express — just to maintain eye contact and obey.
REALITY: It’s not learning. It’s conditioning.
The child who obeys the stare becomes a “good student.”
The child who questions it is “rebellious.”
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6. EYES OF THE STATE: FEAR WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD
6.1 COPS AND IMMIGRATION OFFICERS
A police officer holds eye contact during a random stop. You feel like you’ve done something wrong.
You become submissive, even if you’ve done nothing.
6.2 GOVERNMENT AUTHORITIES
At government counters, clerks hold eye contact just long enough to make you feel like you owe them something.
You fold your hands, lower your voice, plead for the basic service you paid for.
REALITY: Eye contact is how the powerless are reminded of their place — silently, but with precision.
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7. CULTS, SPIRITUAL LEADERS, AND THE GAZE OF GOD
Spiritual gurus often use direct gaze as a tool of “awakening.”
They look into your eyes and say nothing.
You feel naked, small, seen. You surrender.
You believe they know something you don’t.
REALITY: This is emotional hypnosis.
The one who stares into your eyes in silence is installing themselves inside your head.
Once they’re there — they can extract loyalty, obedience, donations.
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8. VIOLENCE AND BULLYING: THE EYES STRIKE FIRST
In school fights, eye contact is the first blow.
The bully stares first. The victim either lowers gaze (and becomes prey) or stares back (and invites a hit).
In public harassment, men don’t always touch — they just stare. Long, unblinking. The victim feels violated without a word.
REALITY: Many acts of dominance begin with nothing but the eyes.
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9. WITHIN FAMILIES: GAZE AS DEBT COLLECTION
In Indian homes, parents, spouses, and elders often use eyes to remind others of emotional debts.
The mother stares at her daughter-in-law during dinner. No words. But the message is clear: “I cook, you rest. You owe me.”
The father stares silently when his son makes a decision without asking. No open complaint — just the eyes: “You forgot who made you.”
The wife stares at the husband when he forgets something. No nagging. But the stare drains him dry.
REALITY: The gaze is a collector.
It doesn't ask — it demands repayment in guilt, obedience, or emotional collapse.
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10. THE LIE OF “LOOK INTO MY EYES TO KNOW ME”
The popular belief is: "If someone can look into your eyes, they are pure."
False.
Some of the most manipulative people in history held prolonged eye contact — because they didn’t feel fear.
Some of the most traumatized, sensitive, and kind people avoid eye contact — because they feel too much.
REALITY: Eye contact measures numbness, not truth.
The more someone can stare without blinking, the more likely they have silenced their own emotions.
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CONCLUSION: YOU CAN REFUSE TO PLAY
Someone who stares into your eyes has already made a decision:
You will break. You will follow. You will submit.
But you don’t have to play along.
You can look away.
Not in fear. But in clarity.
You don’t need to meet every gaze.
You don’t owe anyone your attention, submission, or guilt — just because they stared first.
Not every eye is an invitation.
Some are traps.
The faster you recognize them, the freer you become.
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THE GAZE THAT BREAKS YOU
I. THE FIRST STARE
someone once told me
“look him in the eyes, it shows you’re not afraid.”
I did.
and I was eaten alive.
because
the one who stares first
is not checking who you are.
he’s checking
how long it takes to break you.
the world doesn’t want honesty.
it wants your gaze to drop
so it can step on your neck without resistance.
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II. EYE CONTACT IS A GUN WITH NO SOUND
you think you’re talking.
you think it’s a conversation.
you think this is intimacy.
it’s not.
he’s holding your gaze like a surgeon holds a scalpel —
not to heal.
to open you up.
the guru.
the recruiter.
the lawyer.
the boss.
the old aunt at the wedding.
the government clerk behind the glass.
they all use the same method.
no words.
just unblinking certainty
until your spine folds from the inside out.
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III. EYE-FUCKED INTO OBEDIENCE
I’ve seen grown men
confess things they didn’t do
because the officer stared longer.
I’ve seen women
leave their own sense of reality
because the man stared into their eyes
and called it love.
I’ve seen employees
resign their dreams
without notice
because the HR gaze said,
"you're lucky to be here."
they never shouted.
they just looked.
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IV. THE DOMESTIC DEAL —
HOW CHILDREN SILENTLY BREAK THEIR PARENTS
this one deserves its own fucking shrine.
because in every soft home,
under every ceiling fan,
next to every gas stove,
there is a war playing out
between compassion and cunning.
the child has learned
long before his teeth were straight
that asking is inefficient
and crying is outdated.
he has learned
that the best method
is to sit still,
tilt the head slightly,
and stare.
he will not speak.
he will not throw a tantrum.
he will not scream.
he will just look
with eyes full of mild betrayal
as if you’ve denied him oxygen
not biscuits.
you’re a mother,
you’ve already lost.
because your heart was trained
to interpret silence as suffering
and stare as sadness.
but what’s really happening
is a transaction.
his eyes are the invoice.
your guilt is the payment.
he doesn’t want your love.
he wants the junk.
he wants the shortcut.
he wants power.
and you,
kind-hearted fool,
you pay up every time.
you tell yourself
you’re doing it out of affection.
but you know it —
you're just trying to escape that stare.
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V. THE MARRIAGE STARE
she doesn’t shout anymore.
she doesn’t complain.
she just looks.
you come home tired,
and she just
sits in the corner
staring with that
“how much longer will I tolerate this invisible injustice” face.
you panic.
you compensate.
you fold.
it was never about fairness.
it was never about support.
it was always
about training you
with her silence
and her gaze.
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VI. THE LOOK FROM THE PODIUM
have you ever watched a godman scan a crowd?
his eyes don’t wander — they conquer.
he stops at a man or woman
locks in
and holds it
until the victim cries.
they call it spiritual transmission.
I call it emotional hijack.
because once he’s inside your eyes,
he’s inside your decisions,
your wallet,
your shame,
your guilt,
your soul.
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VII. THE FINAL TEST — LOOK AWAY OR DIE
sometimes
the best thing you can do
is look away.
not out of fear.
but out of refusal.
refusal to be tamed.
refusal to be guilted.
refusal to play this bullshit game of
"who blinks first loses."
let them stare.
you don’t owe anyone a damn thing.
not your compliance.
not your dignity.
not your snacks.
not your salary.
not your soul.
the one who stares first
is already counting on your silence.
deny him the pleasure.
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“WE NEVER SAID A WORD — BUT EVERYONE OBEYED”
A healing dialogue with Madhukar the Hermit, where a family of five confronts the silent emotional manipulation they have used for years — through stares, silence, and passive dominance over relatives, friends, and each other.
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CHARACTERS
Madhukar – 43, former veterinary doctor and scientist, now living off-grid near Yelmadagi. Wise, direct, calm, fearless.
Narasimhan – 68, retired school principal. Feels misunderstood, believes in discipline and dignity.
Kalavathi – 64, his wife. Soft-spoken, emotionally influential, often considered “kind-hearted.”
Sundar – 40, their son. Bank manager. Rational and quiet but deeply conditioned.
Divya – 38, Sundar’s wife. Rarely speaks in public, but wields powerful emotional energy.
Aarav – 10, their son. Intelligent, observant, quietly manipulative.
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SCENE: MADHUKAR'S STONE PLATFORM UNDER A TREE IN THE FOREST
The family arrives quietly, respectfully. They sit in a semicircle. The forest hums around them.
No one speaks. Madhukar looks at them calmly, saying nothing. They wait. The silence becomes heavy.
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Sundar (finally speaking):
We came because…
people around us have started saying strange things.
They say we’re emotionally manipulative. That we control others… silently.
We don’t argue. We don’t abuse. We don’t shout.
We’ve always been gentle.
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Madhukar:
You’ve never raised your voice.
You’ve never struck anyone.
But the rooms you enter — people walk carefully.
And the ones you raise — they carry invisible chains.
Do you know why?
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Kalavathi:
I don’t understand. I have always helped everyone.
I just feel deeply. I can’t fake smiles when I’m hurt.
If I go quiet, it’s because I’m hurt.
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Madhukar:
And when you go quiet,
what happens to the person in front of you?
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Divya (softly):
They change.
They soften.
They come to me.
They try to make it right.
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Madhukar:
Not because they understood —
but because they can’t bear the weight of your stare.
You’ve weaponized your silence.
Your eyes carry shame without sound.
And most people are too unequipped to fight it.
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Narasimhan:
But what’s the alternative?
We never force. We never demand.
We just… expect a little basic respect.
And if they don’t give it, we withdraw.
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Madhukar:
You don’t withdraw.
You corner them.
You surround them with guilt — and call it dignity.
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Sundar:
This is hard to hear.
But I think I know what you mean.
I’ve watched my father go silent when a guest doesn’t greet him properly.
I’ve seen relatives fall over themselves to apologize, even when they weren’t wrong.
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Kalavathi (quietly):
Is it wrong to let people realise their mistake?
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Madhukar:
It’s not wrong to be hurt.
But it is wrong to make them feel unworthy until they serve your emotion.
If your sadness demands obedience, it is no longer just sadness —
it has become control.
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THE CHILD SPEAKS
Aarav:
Sometimes when Amma gets upset,
she doesn’t talk to me for hours.
She just looks at me with “that face.”
So I say sorry. Even if I didn’t do anything.
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Madhukar (to Divya):
He’s learned your technique.
Next, he will use it on you.
He will stare. He will sit silent.
And you’ll give him what he wants just to escape the feeling.
You’ve raised a mirror.
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Divya (tearing up):
I thought I was teaching him gentleness.
But I see now — I was teaching him to extract.
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Madhukar:
You taught him that sadness is a currency.
That silence is a threat.
That eyes can say: “You are hurting me, so you must fix me now.”
But children don’t learn the difference between sadness and strategy.
They weaponize it faster than adults.
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Narasimhan (gruffly):
So what now? Are we supposed to stop feeling?
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Madhukar:
Feel. But don’t charge others for it.
Look at your child without loading your eyes with expectation.
Sit in pain without forcing others to relieve it.
Stop making silence feel like a cage.
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Sundar (quietly):
This is the first time I’m realizing how tired I am.
Every room in our house feels like…
someone’s waiting to be obeyed.
But no one ever asks.
They just look.
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Madhukar (nodding):
You’ve all learned to rule without ruling.
Now learn to live without enslaving.
Even with your eyes.
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Kalavathi (whispers):
How do we begin?
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Madhukar:
Speak.
Say what you feel.
Don’t fish with your silence.
Don’t bait with your gaze.
Say: “I feel hurt.”
Not: “You should feel bad.”
And when someone says no to you —
don’t look at them like they killed you.
Just sit with it. Let it pass.
Freedom begins there.
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Aarav:
Can I try it?
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Madhukar:
Go ahead.
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Aarav (turns to his mother):
Amma, when you don’t look at me,
I feel like I’m bad.
But I don’t want to say sorry just to make you happy.
I want to talk. Not stare and guess.
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Divya (crying):
I’m sorry, Aarav. I’ll stop.
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Madhukar:
That’s it.
The healing has already begun.
Not in silence.
But in real words.
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FOLLOW-UP SCENE — 3 MONTHS LATER
Title: “THE WORDS RETURNED TO OUR HOUSE”
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The family returns to Madhukar’s forest clearing. They look different — not in clothes, but in body language. Less tense. Less “tight.” More open. Madhukar offers water. They sit.
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Madhukar:
How is the silence in your home now?
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Sundar (smiling faintly):
Less loaded.
People are still quiet — but the silence no longer feels like punishment.
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Divya:
I’ve started saying, “I’m hurt,” instead of going quiet.
It felt awkward at first.
But Aarav now actually listens — not because he’s scared,
but because he knows I’m not hiding a trap behind my eyes.
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Aarav:
I talk more now. I ask. I don’t wait for people to guess.
And if someone says no, I try not to stare at them like I used to.
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Kalavathi:
I never knew how much I relied on my expression to get my way.
Now I stop myself.
I try saying what I feel — without acting like others owe me repair.
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Narasimhan:
I lost control over people… but I gained peace.
Turns out, when you stop expecting others to kneel —
you don’t have to keep standing like a king.
You can sit. Rest. Smile.
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Madhukar:
Very few people can give up the unspoken power of the stare.
Because it works.
But now you’ve tasted something deeper —
mutual freedom.
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FOLLOW-UP SCENE — 1 YEAR LATER
Title: “WE LET PEOPLE BE”
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The family returns a year later, this time with two relatives who were once distant — a cousin who used to avoid them, and an uncle who once called them emotionally draining.
They all eat together under the trees.
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Cousin (laughing):
You’ve changed.
Last year if I said “no” to a request, Kalavathi aunty would go full silent-stare mode for two weeks.
Now she just says, “Alright, maybe next time,” and smiles.
It shocked me.
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Uncle:
Sundar no longer speaks like he’s filtering every word to avoid offending someone.
There’s space in your house now. Emotional space.
Even for disagreement.
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Madhukar (to Sundar):
Did you lose power?
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Sundar (smiles):
I lost fear.
I lost resentment.
And I lost the pressure to manage everyone’s emotions without speaking.
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Divya:
Even in parenting…
Aarav says no to me sometimes. And I say, “Okay.”
I cry if I need to. He sees it. But I don’t use it against him.
That changed everything.
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Aarav (with quiet pride):
I used to use my eyes to control Amma.
Now, I use my words to tell her what I need.
Sometimes I don’t get it. And I’m okay.
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Kalavathi:
There’s less drama.
More truth.
Less obedience.
More honesty.
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Narasimhan:
And strangely, people actually respect us more now.
Because they no longer fear us.
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Madhukar (nodding):
Real power isn’t in the stare that silences others.
It’s in the gaze that sets them free — and stays soft even when they disagree.
You’ve reclaimed your eyes.
Now you can live without holding anyone hostage inside your gaze.
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(They sit under the trees, watching the sunset. Quietly. But this time, the silence is clean.)
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