PRAISE IS NOT LOVE

Constant praise, though often mistaken for love, actually weakens a child's self-worth by making them dependent on external approval instead of building inner confidence. In the Indian context, children are trained from an early age to perform for claps, compliments, and smiles, which teaches them to value themselves only when others approve. This praise-conditioning leads to anxiety, fear of failure, emotional fragility, and a desperate need for validation in adulthood. True love doesn't rate or reward — it allows the child to grow freely, feel secure without performance, and develop a strong, natural sense of identity from within.

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INTRODUCTION: A MODERN INDIAN PARENTING TRAP

In every home — from Delhi flats to Kerala villas — children are growing up in a new kind of prison.

It is not made of scolding.

It is made of praise.

You think it’s love.

You think “Good boy!” or “Very nice, beta!” is support.

But in truth, your constant praise is creating a child who feels empty without approval.

And that is one of the biggest reasons Indian children grow up confused, anxious, and weak from inside.

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LAYER 1: HOW PRAISE STARTS EARLY

It begins from the first spoon.

The baby eats — you clap.

She crawls — you record and post.

He speaks a word — you say “genius.”

Slowly the child learns:

“I am good when others say I’m good.”

“I must make them happy to feel happy myself.”

That’s the seed.

And it grows silently.

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LAYER 2: HOW PRAISE TURNS INTO ADDICTION

As the child grows, praise becomes a drug.

The more you give, the more they need.

They show a drawing and wait.

They answer a question and watch your face.

They eat food and ask, “Did I do well?”

They are not doing these things from inside.

They are doing it to get something from you — approval.

This is not growth.

This is emotional dependence.

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LAYER 3: THE HIDDEN DAMAGE

Here’s what really happens inside the child:

They lose natural joy. They stop doing things just for fun.

They fear making mistakes. Because mistakes mean no praise.

They become fake. They learn to say what others want to hear.

They become anxious. Constantly checking: “Was that okay?”

They fear rejection. If no one praises them, they feel unloved.

You wanted to help them feel good.

But you created a person who cannot feel good without others.

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LAYER 4: INDIAN EXAMPLES

Look around India.

What do most teenagers want?

Not knowledge — marks

Not skills — certificates

Not peace — validation

They post selfies, they wait for likes.

They pass exams, they wait for praise.

They follow trends, not because they like them — but to be seen.

All this starts with a parent saying “Very good!” for every small act.

You turned life into a performance.

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LAYER 5: SCHOOL MAKES IT WORSE

Indian schools are full of stars, badges, prizes, rankings.

Every child is placed in a line.

Those at the top are praised.

Those at the bottom feel invisible.

So every child learns:

“I must win. I must shine. I must please.”

No one tells them:

“You’re already enough.”

“You don’t need to be clapped to matter.”

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LAYER 6: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PRAISE STOPS?

One day, the world stops clapping.

Your child grows up.

He goes to college — no one says “Good job.”

She gets a job — the boss only points out mistakes.

They get married — and no one thanks them for brushing their teeth or cooking dinner.

Now what?

They break down.

They become bitter.

They become people who need constant attention, or feel like they’re nothing.

This is why so many young Indians feel lost.

They don’t know who they are — only who others told them to be.

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LAYER 7: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND PRAISE

Love is silent. Steady.

It says: “I see you. You matter. Always.”

Praise is loud. Conditional.

It says: “I approve of you only when you do what I like.”

Love accepts.

Praise judges.

Love gives space.

Praise gives pressure.

You say you love your child.

Then stop rating everything they do.

Just be with them.

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LAYER 8: WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Stop overpraising. Start being real.

Let your child draw without saying anything.

Let them eat without “good girl.”

Let them fail without panic.

Let them rest without guilt.

Let them feel proud from inside, not from your words.

Instead of “You did so well,” say:

“How did that feel to you?”

“You really stayed with it.”

“You tried something new.”

Or just nod. Smile. Be present.

Let your child build their own mirror.

Not live forever inside yours.

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LAYER 9: THIS IS NOT COLDNESS — IT IS TRUE CARE

Some parents say,

“But if I don’t praise, won’t my child feel unloved?”

No.

They’ll feel free.

They’ll eat when they’re hungry — not to earn your smile.

They’ll play for joy — not for reward.

They’ll speak their truth — not what wins applause.

They’ll grow up with a solid spine — not a begging heart.

And one day, they’ll say:

“My parents didn’t train me to please.

They trained me to be.”

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CONCLUSION: THE HARDEST TRUTH

You praised your child because you were unsure of your love.

You needed to say something.

You needed to feel like a good parent.

But now, you know the truth:

Praise is not love.

Love is quiet.

Present.

Patient.

Grounded.

Not a reward.

Just a steady shelter.

If you give that,

Your child will never need claps.

Because they will clap for themselves.

That is freedom.

That is strength.

That is love.

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