PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO BE HEALED — THEY WANT TO BE PRAISED FOR THEIR SUFFERING
- Madhukar Dama
- May 23
- 4 min read
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I. INTRODUCTION: WHEN PAIN BECOMES PRESTIGE
In a world addicted to drama and validation, suffering has become a social currency.
To be in pain is to be seen.
To be wounded is to be respected.
To struggle is to be praised.
And so, healing — real healing — which is quiet, humbling, and unapplauded —
is not popular.
Most people don’t want to heal.
They want their pain to be seen, validated, romanticized — and most importantly, respected.
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II. WHAT HEALING ACTUALLY DEMANDS
Real healing is brutal.
Not because of the pain —
but because it demands:
The death of your story.
The loss of your special suffering.
The willingness to be normal again.
The end of emotional rewards you got from being unwell.
Healing is not heroic.
It’s quiet self-demolition.
And that’s why most people avoid it.
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III. THE PERFORMANCE OF SUFFERING
Today, pain is not just endured.
It is displayed.
On social media.
In families.
In friendships.
In spiritual spaces.
Even in therapy rooms.
People rehearse their stories of pain not to release them —
but to strengthen their identity as “the one who suffered.”
It becomes:
A way to control attention.
A shield against responsibility.
A subtle power over others.
Pain is no longer a wound.
It becomes a script.
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IV. THE PAYOFF OF BEING IN PAIN
Why do people cling to their suffering?
Because it gives them:
1. Moral high ground
– “I’ve endured more than you.”
2. Social attention
– “Everyone should check on me.”
3. Avoidance of accountability
– “Don’t blame me. I’ve been through too much.”
4. Justification for poor behavior
– “I shouted because I’m still healing.”
5. A permanent identity
– “This pain defines me.”
And once pain becomes useful —
you will not let it go.
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V. CULTURAL CONDITIONS THAT GLORIFY PAIN
In many Indian households, and elsewhere too:
The one who suffers the most is seen as the most virtuous.
The mother who sacrifices everything is idolized — not questioned.
The father who never cried is remembered as strong — not suppressed.
The wife who tolerates abuse is praised as devoted — not deluded.
People perform their suffering in public.
Because the more you suffer, the more you’re praised.
But ask them to heal?
They’ll call it selfish.
They’ll say: “That’s not our culture.”
They’ll say: “What will people say?”
They don’t want healing.
They want legacy through pain.
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VI. SPIRITUALITY AND THE SUFFERING TRAP
Modern “healing spaces” are not exempt.
Many people:
Sit in circles sharing trauma — but never leave the trauma.
Repeat stories from 20 years ago — like mantras.
Wear pain like sacred beads — but avoid change.
Because if the pain ends,
the spiritual identity collapses.
And so healing becomes an eternal performance:
“Look how aware I am of my wounds.”
“Look how deep I’ve gone.”
“Look how broken I am — and yet I smile.”
This isn’t healing.
It’s curated grief.
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VII. WHY HEALING IS FEARED
Healing removes:
Your specialness.
Your reasons for inaction.
Your ability to blame.
Your safety net of victimhood.
Healing is lonely.
Because the moment you stop complaining —
people stop relating.
You no longer belong to the club of “collective misery.”
You become free — and freedom is alienating in a world built on wounds.
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VIII. TRUE HEALING LOOKS BORING
It doesn’t seek applause.
It stops repeating stories.
It walks away from the drama.
It sits in silence, not seeking sympathy.
It takes accountability.
It laughs — not as escape, but as release.
And this looks boring to those still addicted to chaos.
People will say:
“You’ve changed.”
“You’ve become distant.”
“You’ve forgotten your roots.”
“You think you’re better than us now?”
But the truth is — you’re just not available for the praise of pain anymore.
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IX. THE REAL TEST
Ask someone who constantly shares their pain:
“What would your life be if this pain vanished today?”
And watch the fear creep in.
Because many don’t know how to live without the identity of suffering.
Healing feels like death —
not because the pain goes away,
but because you go away with it —
the version of you that needed pity.
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X. CONCLUSION: THE END OF THE Applause
Healing is not about becoming better.
It’s about becoming empty —
of excuses, of identities, of the need to be seen as a victim.
And that is why healing is rare.
Because most people, deep down, don’t want to be healed.
They want to be honored for their pain,
rewarded for their misery,
applauded for their suffering.
They want to feel important —
even if it means staying broken forever.
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