PARENTING OR CONFUSING?
- Madhukar Dama
- 1 day ago
- 9 min read
— HOW MOST PARENTS PASS DOWN THEIR WOUNDS WITH LOVE
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INTRODUCTION: THE UNQUESTIONED ROLE
Everyone claims to love their children.
But love, when mixed with unhealed confusion, becomes a weapon wrapped in affection.
What most people call “parenting” today is not conscious raising of a human being —
It’s the unconscious transmission of fear, shame, pride, pressure, lies, and identity.
This essay explores how parenting has become a well-decorated confusion delivery system, especially in the Indian context — and what it truly takes to parent without destroying.
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PART 1: WHEN YOU TEACH WHAT YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD
Modern parents often preach:
Honesty
Confidence
Simplicity
Independence
Critical thinking
But their own lives contradict every one of these.
They:
Lie at work, at home, and to themselves
Live with anxiety masked as ambition
Spend to impress, not to live
Depend on jobs, screens, status, and praise
Fear disapproval, failure, and silence
So what does the child learn?
Not the spoken lesson — but the lived contradiction.
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PART 2: INDIAN-SPECIFIC CONFUSIONS PASSED DOWN
1. Caste & Status Confusion
“We’re from a good family” → a cover for invisible superiority or shame
Children inherit pride or inferiority without knowing why
2. Language = Intelligence
Parents obsess over English
Children feel broken if they prefer local language
“Speak properly” becomes code for “don’t be yourself”
3. Gender Roles
Girls are raised to adjust, be quiet, dress well
Boys are raised to dominate, suppress emotion, never cry
Emotional numbness becomes the norm for both
4. Comparison Culture
Every child is compared to someone else
“Look at Sharma’s son” becomes the soundtrack of their worthlessness
5. Marriage and Obedience
Even toddlers are told, “Who will marry you if you behave like this?”
Study is not for curiosity, but for a future transaction
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PART 3: WHAT THE CHILD ACTUALLY HEARS
Parents say:
> “Be confident.”
Child hears:
“Don’t be too loud, it embarrasses us.”
Parents say:
> “Be honest.”
Child hears:
“But don’t tell the relatives what happens at home.”
Parents say:
> “Follow your dreams.”
Child hears:
“Only if they match our expectations.”
Parents say:
> “You’re free to decide.”
Child hears:
“But we’ll make you feel guilty if you choose something we don’t like.”
Every sentence carries two meanings —
And the child, not yet verbal, feels the emotional lie behind the words.
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PART 4: EDUCATION AS A TOOL OF CONFUSION
Parents send children to school for “learning.”
But what does school teach?
Obedience, not curiosity
Competition, not understanding
Memorisation, not thinking
Shame and punishment for “not fitting in”
Then at home:
“Why are your marks low?”
“Why don’t you behave like other kids?”
“You have no future unless you study”
School breaks the spirit.
Home confirms it.
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PART 5: PARENTING AS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
When things go wrong, parents often say:
“After all we’ve done for you…”
“We sacrificed our dreams for you.”
“You’ll realise our worth after we die.”
These are not expressions of love.
They are weapons to control the child through guilt.
Love does not say, “Now repay me with obedience.”
Only wounded people say that.
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PART 6: ARE YOU PARENTING OR JUST PROJECTING?
Ask yourself:
Did I want my child to be truly free — or just well-behaved?
Do I listen to them — or just tolerate them?
Am I raising a person — or creating a legacy?
Do I want their happiness — or my reputation?
If you’re honest, the answer is painful.
But truth begins when pain is not avoided.
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PART 7: WHAT TRUE PARENTING REQUIRES
You cannot raise a free human if you’re not free.
You cannot give clarity if you are confused.
You cannot guide with wounds.
TRUE PARENTING DEMANDS:
Facing your own childhood pain
Dropping pride in your caste, language, job, and identity
Being emotionally honest — not polished
Letting your child disobey without breaking love
Living without masks — so your child never needs one
And most of all:
> Letting the child become someone you do not control.
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CONCLUSION: THE FINAL QUESTION
> Do you want to be remembered as a parent who confused your child into becoming a copy of yourself?
Or the one who cleared the path, stood aside, and allowed life to bloom in a way you never dared?
Your child doesn’t need your answers.
They need your clarity.
And clarity comes only when you stop parenting like you were parented.
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THE CHILD WAS NEVER BROKEN — YOU WERE
A Bukowski-style, slow-burn, layered poem on confused parenting in India
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they thought they were raising a son
they were just tightening the leash
handed down to them by
quiet fathers with loud tempers
and soft mothers who swallowed themselves
so their daughters could wear gold someday.
they thought they were giving love
they were just handing out leftovers
from their own unloved childhoods
wrapped in school fees and pressure cookers
and the sacred syllabus of
“do what we say — you’ll thank us later.”
they called it parenting
but it was panic in disguise
panic that the child would choose differently
panic that the mirror would talk back
panic that the lie would be exposed
by a ten-year-old girl with questions
they were too scared to ask themselves.
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he told them
“we only want him to be good”
but what he meant was
obedient
obedient like he was to his father
who was obedient to his father
who was obedient to
the British
the gods
the shame.
she told them
“we sacrificed everything for our children”
but what she meant was
“I gave up my life —
so now your life belongs to me.”
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they built a home
with flower garlands,
plastic trophies,
moral lectures,
English cartoons,
and permanent silence.
and called it a temple of values.
but the boy sat there
with his mouth full of anger
and no language to scream in.
and the girl sat there
with her hands folded
and a soul that wanted to run.
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they never noticed the contradiction:
“be honest” they said —
but lied to relatives every week.
“be confident” they said —
but shamed every bold question.
“think for yourself” they said —
but punished all deviation.
“speak up” they said —
but only when they agreed.
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what the child received
was not love.
it was confusion
delivered with warm rotis.
what the child felt
was not security.
it was fear
wearing a school uniform.
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and then one day
the child stopped talking.
and the house collapsed
not in noise —
but in echo.
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they went to the hermit in the forest
dragging their guilt
like unpaid loans.
they said,
“we only did our best.”
and he smiled
like a man who’s heard it
too many times.
and he said:
your best was infected.
your love was loaded.
your parenting was a mask.
you never raised a child —
you tried to repair your own history
using their breath.
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the father’s hands trembled.
he remembered his own father’s slipper.
he remembered saying
“my child will never feel this.”
but he made his son feel it
without raising a hand.
with looks.
with withdrawal.
with silence.
with pressure.
with the word “disappointed.”
which hits harder
than a belt.
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the mother cried.
not because she was wrong.
but because
she finally saw herself
trying to raise a daughter
from inside her own ruins.
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the son said:
“appa, I don’t want advice.
I just want
to walk beside you
without performance.”
the daughter said:
“amma, I don’t need answers.
I just need
you to stop correcting me
when I tell you who I am.”
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that day,
the parenting ended.
the people began.
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and the healing didn’t start with love —
it started with honesty.
raw, broken, humble honesty.
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because the child
was never the one who was broken.
you were.
you still are.
but now you’re finally ready
to stop handing your wounds
to someone
who never asked for them.
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"WE ONLY DID WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS RIGHT" — A HEALING DIALOGUE WITH A BIDAR COUPLE PASSING DOWN CONFUSION TO THEIR CHILDREN
(A slow-burn, layered, brutally honest family healing conversation with Madhukar the Hermit)
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CHARACTERS
Madhukar – 43-year-old former scientist, now a forest-dwelling hermit and healer.
Raghav Patil – 48, school teacher, father.
Sumati Patil – 45, homemaker, mother.
Sujay Patil – 17-year-old son, quiet, confused, rebellious underneath.
Vaishnavi Patil – 15-year-old daughter, outspoken, emotionally sharp, inwardly wounded.
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SCENE
They’ve travelled from Bidar to Madhukar’s forest hermitage after their daughter stopped speaking to them and their son threatened to leave home. The family sits in a circle under a neem tree. Silence breathes between them. Sujay stares at the ground. Vaishnavi has her arms crossed. The parents look worn out, unsure whether they are angry or sad.
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Part 1: The Breaking Point
Sumati:
We didn’t come here to complain. We’ve done everything possible. Good school, good values. But they just… they are drifting away. We don’t know what’s happening anymore.
Madhukar:
And what do you want — closeness or control?
Raghav:
We want them to be happy. To be good humans. What’s wrong in that?
Vaishnavi (sharply):
Then why do you panic every time I say no?
Sujay (quietly):
Or when I want to take a different path?
Madhukar:
You say “we did everything.” That’s where it begins. Everything you thought was right.
But what if what you did — however loving — was loaded with your confusions?
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Part 2: The Legacy of Mixed Messages
Madhukar (gently):
Let’s see clearly. I’ll say a sentence. If it feels familiar, just nod.
> “Be honest, but don’t talk about what happens at home.”
“Be confident, but not too loud.”
“Be free, but only within limits.”
“Be good, but also better than others.”
“Follow your dreams, but take a safe job.”
“Respect elders, even when they are wrong.”
“Don’t fight, but don’t be weak either.”
“Don’t lie, but don’t embarrass us.”
(The children nod slowly. Raghav and Sumati look shaken.)
Madhukar:
You didn’t teach clarity. You taught confusion in a respectful tone. And the children felt crazy — because they were told to walk while being chained.
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Part 3: Why Parents Pass Confusion
Sumati (quietly):
But we only wanted them to be safe. Isn’t that natural?
Madhukar:
Safety is natural. But your definition of safety came from your own wounds.
Raghav, you obeyed your father out of fear — and now want your son to obey out of discipline.
Sumati, you sacrificed your joy for family — and now expect your daughter to be “grateful.”
You never healed. You simply passed it down with better clothes and English vocabulary.
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Part 4: The Child’s Internal World
Vaishnavi (teary):
You never asked me what I was feeling. You only told me what I should feel.
Even when I cried, you said “ignore it.” When I was scared, you said “be strong.”
Sujay:
I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just avoid talking at home.
Because everything becomes a lecture or a guilt trip.
Madhukar:
And that’s the outcome.
Children stop asking.
They start hiding.
They begin smiling politely — and rotting quietly.
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Part 5: What You Never Faced in Yourselves
Madhukar (to Raghav):
Do you know why your voice becomes sharp when he disagrees?
Raghav (ashamed):
Because I’m afraid he’ll go the wrong way.
Madhukar:
No. Because when you disagreed with your father, you were punished.
You never processed that pain. So now, when your son disagrees, it triggers your unresolved submission.
Madhukar (to Sumati):
Do you know why you feel hurt when Vaishnavi says “you don’t understand me”?
Sumati (softly):
Because I gave her everything I didn’t have.
Madhukar:
And she didn’t ask for things. She asked for space.
You gave her dresses and grades — but never the right to be messy, angry, or unsure.
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Part 6: The Myth of “We Did Our Best”
Madhukar:
It’s time to retire this sentence: “We did our best.”
Because when it hides refusal to learn — it becomes a shield for damage.
Children don’t need perfect parents.
They need honest ones.
Who can say:
“I was wrong.”
“I confused you.”
“I was afraid and made you carry it.”
“Let’s unlearn together.”
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Part 7: Healing Is Not Apologizing Once
Vaishnavi:
What if it’s too late?
Madhukar:
If they had truly abandoned you, they wouldn’t be here.
But healing is not one conversation. It’s not one sorry.
It’s daily, awkward, messy honesty.
It’s saying:
“I don’t know.”
“I’ve been pretending.”
“Tell me what you truly feel. I will not interrupt.”
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Part 8: Real Parenting Starts Now
Madhukar (to both parents):
From today, don’t try to be “parents.”
Be people who are healing alongside their children.
Ask your children what they see in you.
Listen without defense.
Drop the need to be right.
Don’t confuse respect with fear.
Be willing to change everything — including your idea of being a “good parent.”
Because real parenting begins only when the mask of parenting falls away.
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EPILOGUE
They sit in silence.
Sumati weeps gently. Raghav holds her hand for the first time in weeks.
Sujay finally speaks: “Appa, can we just go for a walk later? No talk, just walk?”
Raghav nods.
Vaishnavi whispers: “Amma, don’t try to fix me. Just be with me.”
Sumati smiles.
Madhukar gets up and walks toward the forest.
He doesn’t look back.
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