INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA: WHEN PAIN IS PASSED INSTEAD OF LOVE
- Madhukar Dama
- May 3
- 5 min read
We are not just born with skin, bones, and a name.
We are also born with memories we don’t remember.
We carry inside us the pain, fear, silence, anger, and shame of our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents.
This is called intergenerational trauma —
pain that travels through family lines like a hidden chain.
You may not remember what happened.
But your body remembers.
Your habits remember.
Your choices remember.
Your parenting remembers.
Even your silence remembers.
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1. THE WOUND THAT NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO HEAL
A grandmother was forced into marriage at 13.
She was beaten but told to smile.
She never spoke about it —
She just cooked, cleaned, and died early.
Her daughter became scared of being weak.
So she became strong — but never soft.
She never hugged her children,
because no one ever hugged her.
Her son — your father — grew up thinking
"Love is control. Emotions are danger. Stay tough."
And now you —
You sit in a room full of people who love you,
and still feel lonely.
That’s how trauma travels.
Unspoken. But never gone.
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2. THIS IS NOT CULTURE. THIS IS UNHEALED WOUND.
In India, many things that hurt us are called “culture.”
But sometimes, culture is just trauma wearing traditional clothes.
Here are 20 everyday things we blindly follow that may actually come from family pain, not wisdom:
1. Touching elders’ feet without real respect
2. Forcing marriage at a certain age
3. Having children without emotional readiness
4. Forcing certain careers on kids
5. Silencing emotional talk as “drama”
6. Worshipping rituals but avoiding real healing
7. Obeying hurtful parents in the name of "duty"
8. Being scared of neighbours' opinions
9. Punishing children with “discipline” instead of listening
10. Celebrating birthdays with people who don’t care
11. Controlling daughters “for safety” but never asking what they want
12. Staying in toxic marriages “for the kids”
13. Shaming men for crying
14. Telling women to adjust, always
15. Believing abuse is “karma”
16. Not questioning babas and gurus
17. Keeping family secrets as if truth is dirty
18. Believing “elders are always right”
19. Hiding mental illness to protect family name
20. Calling silence “peace” when it is just fear
These are not values.
These are survival habits from older generations who never had a chance to heal.
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3. REAL STORIES FROM DIFFERENT FAMILIES
Let’s meet some fictional families based on real patterns:
A. Lakshmi (32, Tamil Nadu)
Her mother was always afraid — of men, money, and mistakes.
She taught Lakshmi: "Don’t speak too much. Don’t wear short clothes. Don’t be seen."
Now Lakshmi has a good job, but can’t speak in meetings.
She trembles when men raise their voice.
She says, “I don’t know why I’m like this.”
But her body knows.
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B. Ravi (28, Punjab)
His grandfather drank and shouted.
His father worked 14 hours a day and never smiled.
Ravi now laughs at everything, jokes non-stop —
But cries alone in the bathroom.
He says, “I can’t stop overthinking.”
His pain is not his alone.
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C. Saira (35, Mumbai)
Her mother was a schoolteacher who never said “I love you.”
Her grandmother raised her daughters like soldiers.
Now Saira hugs her daughter every night
but screams at her when she doesn’t study.
She is trying to love — but also repeating what was done to her.
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4. TRAUMA AFFECTS YOUR BODY, BRAIN, AND BEHAVIOUR
Trauma doesn’t just live in the past.
It lives in your:
Body: Constant tiredness, stomach issues, breathlessness, body pain
Mind: Overthinking, fear of rejection, shame, confusion
Habits: People-pleasing, controlling, avoiding emotions, yelling, staying silent
You may call it "stress".
But it may be your ancestors crying through your blood.
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5. HOW MEN AND WOMEN CARRY PAIN DIFFERENTLY
Men:
Told to “be strong”
Shamed for crying
Turn pain into anger or addiction
Feel lonely, even when surrounded by family
Women:
Told to “adjust”
Told to stay silent
Carry guilt even when they are right
Pass fear to daughters as “safety advice”
This is not gender.
This is emotional inheritance.
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6. COLONIALISM, CASTE, PARTITION: THE BIGGER TRAUMAS
Families didn’t suffer alone.
India’s history is full of collective pain:
Families uprooted during Partition
Generations humiliated by caste violence
Women kept silent in patriarchal traditions
Farmers pushed to cities by economic fear
Artists told their art is “useless”
Whole villages trained to be ashamed of their language and food
These created generational survival modes:
Obey, adjust, hide, fear, silence.
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7. HOW URBAN AND RURAL FAMILIES CARRY PAIN DIFFERENTLY
In cities, trauma hides under:
Busyness
Noise
Social media
Careers
Alcohol
Silence
In villages, trauma hides under:
“Karma”
“This is life”
Gossip
Forced marriage
Family pressure
Pain looks different.
But pain is everywhere.
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8. WHEN SIBLINGS CARRY THE WOUND DIFFERENTLY
The eldest child often becomes the “parent”
The middle child feels invisible
The youngest becomes a rebel or clown
One child breaks down
Another becomes perfect to make parents happy
They all carry the wound in different shapes.
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9. THE TRUTH ABOUT “OUR PARENTS DID THEIR BEST”
Yes. Maybe they did.
But maybe they also didn’t.
Maybe they were scared.
Maybe they were selfish.
Maybe they were too tired.
Maybe they just copied what was done to them.
We can forgive them without lying about them.
We don’t need to hate them.
But we don’t need to repeat them either.
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10. HOW TO HEAL THIS TRAUMA
Healing begins with truth.
A. Talk. Even if your voice shakes.
Tell your story. Ask your parents about theirs.
B. Feel. Let the tears come. Let the anger speak.
It is not weakness. It is the start of freedom.
C. Name it. Say “This is trauma.”
Give it words. That’s how you break its power.
D. Change how you treat your children.
No hitting. No silent treatment. No fear-based love.
E. Learn to say “No”
To toxic traditions. To lies. To fear passed as advice.
F. Allow rest
Your body has carried generations.
It deserves peace.
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11. A DIFFERENT FUTURE IS POSSIBLE
Imagine a child 20 years from now:
She is allowed to cry.
She is not hit when she makes mistakes.
She is told she is enough.
She knows love is not fear.
This child exists
because you healed.
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YOU ARE THE HEALER
If you are:
asking hard questions
feeling emotions your parents never allowed
trying to love without control
making space for truth — even if it breaks everything
Then you are not “broken.”
You are the healer of the family line.
You are the one who stopped the pain from going further.
It may feel lonely.
But it is holy work.
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YOU WERE NEVER WEAK
You were just carrying
what your whole family
pretended wasn’t there.
Now,
you are not just surviving.
You are rewriting history.
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