Instant Nood-lies: An Encyclopaedia of Our Quickest Lies
- Madhukar Dama
- 3 hours ago
- 24 min read
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Prologue: The Packet Nation
India doesn’t just eat instant noodles. We live them. Every promise is packaged in bright colours, every dream sold in a sachet. Politicians, brands, schools, families, lovers — all of them wave shiny packets that scream: “Just add water, stir, and your life will be solved!”
But when we open them, what do we find? Air, sugar, oil, and slogans. These are not promises; these are Instant Nood-lies — the quick-cook lies that fill nothing but profit sheets.
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Instant Nood-lies in the Kitchen
1. “Two-minute noodles” cook the nation’s faith. The ad promised quick comfort, but reality cooked up lead, MSG, and nationwide bans. Noodles were never the poison — trust was.
Brands: Maggi, Nestlé.
2. Fruit juices painted as 100% nature. They splash mangoes and oranges on cartons, but your glass holds sugar water with a fruit-flavoured sigh. The only thing full is the ad, not the pulp.
Brands: Real, Tropicana, B-Natural.
3. Energy drinks that sell wings. You don’t fly; you shake with caffeine and sugar. The athlete dunks, you crash. Flight is for advertising copy, not biology.
Brands: Red Bull, Monster.
4. Chips bags that float like balloons. The promise is crunch, the delivery is nitrogen. Your hunger is half-satisfied, your packet half-empty. That’s the only weight loss they guarantee.
Brands: Lays, Kurkure, Bingo.
5. Health biscuits loaded with glucose. They call it nutrition, but it’s dessert in disguise. The child in the ad grows strong, while your child grows cavities.
Brands: Parle-G, Britannia NutriChoice.
6. Bread in brown disguise. Caramel colouring replaces whole wheat. It looks healthy, tastes like lies. “Brown” here means marketing, not grain.
Brands: Britannia, Modern, Harvest Gold.
7. Ice cream that isn’t cream. Frozen dessert packets replace milk with palm oil, but keep the price of dairy. The luxury of lies melts in your mouth.
Brands: Kwality Walls, Amul Frozen Dessert.
8. Protein bars that look like gyms but eat like candy. Advertised as fitness fuel, they’re sugar blocks with a side of guilt. Muscles are built on work, not chocolate coating.
Brands: RiteBite, Yoga Bar, Snickers Protein.
9. Cooking oils blessed by hearts. Bottles with red hearts promise cholesterol protection, while inside is the same refined mess. The only pumping is in their ads.
Brands: Saffola, Fortune.
10. Pickles called “homemade.” Reality: made in factories, bottled in bulk, sold with a mother’s smile. The “love” is mass-produced.
Brands: Mother’s Recipe, Priya.
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Instant Nood-lies in the Mirror
1. Fairness creams sell social ladders in tubes. “Fair = success” has been the ad for decades, but reality is colourism bottled and sold. The cream doesn’t bleach skin, it bleaches dignity.
Brands: Fair & Lovely/Glow & Lovely, Ponds White Beauty.
2. Anti-ageing serums erase only your savings. They promise to wipe ten years in ten days. Wrinkles remain, but your wallet gets younger by the minute.
Brands: Olay Regenerist, L’Oréal Revitalift.
3. Anti-dandruff shampoos snow false hope. “100% dandruff-free” is a shampoo ad fantasy. Real scalp flakes laugh at your expense and reappear after the second wash.
Brands: Head & Shoulders, Clinic Plus, Pantene.
4. Hair oils claim instant regrowth. Bottles whisper hope for bald patches, but deliver only greasy pillows. Hair doesn’t grow faster than lies.
Brands: Indulekha, Himalaya Anti-Hair Fall, Dove Hairfall Rescue.
5. Toothpastes sell cinema smiles. They flash blindingly white teeth in ads, but your bathroom mirror shows reality: yellow remains loyal. The paste whitens promises, not enamel.
Brands: Colgate Visible White, Pepsodent Expert Protection.
6. Soaps that murder germs. 99.9% germ-kill claims were banned because the science was as slippery as the bar. They killed competition, not bacteria.
Brands: Lifebuoy, Dettol Soap.
7. Perfumes that claim to hypnotise. One spray, women fall at your feet, says the ad. In truth, only mosquitoes respect deodorant. Romance is not aerosol.
Brands: Axe, Wild Stone, Fogg.
8. Instant facial kits that promise glow. The salon comes home, they say. The glow comes from chemicals, the regret lasts longer than the shine.
Brands: VLCC Facial Kits, Lakmé Instant Glow.
9. Kajal that “protects eyes.” It’s pigment and wax, not ancient medicine. The protection is only against looking ordinary.
Brands: Himalaya Kajal, Lakmé Eyeconic, Maybelline.
10. Men’s fairness creams redefine masculinity. They say real men glow fairer. Reality: insecure men glowing poorer.
Brands: Fair & Handsome, Garnier Men OilClear.
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Instant Nood-lies in Medicine & Herbs
1. “Cures cancer naturally.” Miracle claims fill bottles, not cures. Courts keep banning, but sales rise because hope sells faster than science.
Brands: Patanjali, Baba Ramdev products.
2. “Boosts immunity instantly.” Sugar and herbs in a jar pretend to be shields. Immunity is not a shortcut, it’s years of health — not a spoonful of paste.
Brands: Dabur Chyawanprash, Zandu Chyawanprash.
3. “Fat burners melt away belly.” Reality: your belly stays, your metabolism stays, only your wallet melts. Heat maps of lies, not fat.
Brands: Herbalife, Amway Nutrilite.
4. “Slimming teas detox your body.” They detox your bowels, not your fat. A bathroom trip is not a miracle cure.
Brands: Tetley Green Tea, Gaia Slim Tea.
5. “Daily multivitamins make you strong.” For the healthy, they do nothing but enrich pharma companies. Nutrition is food, not candy-coated pills.
Brands: Revital H, Supradyn, Centrum.
6. “Safe cough syrups for kids.” Sold as sweet relief, but abused as cheap highs. Bottled comfort becomes liquid addiction.
Brands: Benadryl, Corex, Ascoril.
7. “No sugar sweets for diabetics.” The sugar is replaced with chemicals, but the craving is the real disease left untouched.
Brands: Sugar Free, Haldiram’s Sugar-Free Mithai.
8. “Oxygen water bottles boost life.” Marketing found a way to sell the air we breathe. Oxygen is free, until it’s branded.
Brands: Bisleri Vedica, Oxygen+ Water.
9. “COVID immunity boosters.” They sold capsules of fear and faith during the pandemic. Real immunity came from vaccines, not capsules.
Brands: Coronil, Giloy Juice, Dabur Giloy Ghanvati.
10. “Magnetic bracelets cure pain.” Plastic wrapped in steel is not therapy. Magnets attract money, not miracles.
Brands: Naaptol, Telebrands, TV9 Shopping.
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Instant Nood-lies in Schools & Colleges
1. “Guaranteed IIT seat.” Coaching ads scream certainty, but the real guarantee is stress and debt. IIT is for a few, burnout is for many.
Brands: FIITJEE, Aakash, Allen.
2. “English-medium ensures success.” Speaking English doesn’t guarantee a job; it just guarantees accent jokes at call centres.
Brands: DPS, DAV, Ryan International.
3. “100% placement.” Placement cells massage numbers better than they massage careers. Internships become “jobs” on glossy brochures.
Brands: Amity University, Lovely Professional University, Sharda University.
4. “Smart classrooms make smart kids.” Projectors can’t replace patience, nor can apps replace teachers. Screens glow, brains don’t.
Brands: BYJU’s, Unacademy, Vedantu.
5. “Foreign trips equal global exposure.” Reality: more selfies than learning. A picnic doesn’t turn into international education.
Brands: Heritage International Schools, Private IB Schools.
6. “Every year we produce toppers.” The toppers exist; the thousands crushed under failure are never in the ads. Success is cherry-picked, failure is landfill.
Brands: Resonance, Narayana, Chaitanya.
7. “MBA ensures crores.” The ad shows a man in a suit, not the 50 graduates driving Uber with MBA certificates.
Brands: IIPM, Symbiosis, NMIMS.
8. “PhD brings respect.” Respect now depends on job openings, not titles. A PhD may fetch applause, but rarely salaries.
Brands: IGNOU, Private Universities.
9. “Crash course cracks NEET.” Crash courses crack only sleep cycles, not exams. Hope is sold in monthly instalments.
Brands: Career Point, Bansal Classes.
10. “Certificates equal skills.” A certificate in coding doesn’t make you a coder — it makes you a customer.
Brands: NIIT, Aptech, Coursera clones.
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Instant Nood-lies in Family Life
1. “Marriage will settle you.” It settles only your relatives’ curiosity, not your life. Settlement is a cheque, not a ceremony.
Culprits: Parents, Relatives, Marriage Brokers.
2. “Children bring happiness.” They bring bills, noise, chaos — and sometimes joy, but never certainty. The lie is in the word ‘guaranteed.’
Culprits: Joint family elders, Cultural norms.
3. “Dowry ensures respect.” Respect bought with money is slavery in disguise. Love doesn’t come with gold.
Culprits: Indian marriage system, Patriarchal customs.
4. “Arranged marriages never fail.” They fail silently, behind curtains. Success here means silence, not joy.
Culprits: Community elders, Matrimonial portals.
5. “Obedience makes a good child.” It makes a quiet child, not necessarily a happy or wise one. Fear is repackaged as discipline.
Culprits: Parents, Teachers.
6. “Sons are insurance, daughters are burden.” The biggest burden is the idea itself. Sons migrate, daughters care, but lies remain.
Culprits: Patriarchal family systems.
7. “Joint families are heaven.” Heaven with property disputes, gossip wars, and kitchen politics. Paradise has footnotes.
Culprits: TV serials, Elders.
8. “Blood is thicker than water.” But often water (friends) is more dependable. Family bonds can be thicker with poison too.
Culprits: Family elders.
9. “Sacrifice now, peace later.” Later never arrives. Sacrifice becomes habit, peace remains missing.
Culprits: Middle-class parents, Religion.
10. “Respect elders no matter what.” Respect without accountability is dictatorship by age. Wisdom is not guaranteed by wrinkles.
Culprits: Indian households, Religious sermons.
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Instant Nood-lies in Jobs & Careers
1. “We are a family company.” A family doesn’t fire cousins in a slowdown. The company slogan is warmer than the office AC.
Brands: Infosys, Wipro, TCS.
2. “Work-life balance promised.” Reality: balance is a circus act, and you’re the clown. Emails never sleep.
Brands: Accenture, Deloitte, EY.
3. “Hard work never fails.” In truth, office politics works faster. Sweat doesn’t guarantee promotion; whispers do.
Culprits: Corporate HR departments.
4. “Merit decides promotions.” Reality: managers decide. Merit is a silent spectator.
Brands: Indian bureaucracy, MNCs.
5. “Internship equals exposure.” You’re exposed to photocopiers and unpaid labour, not skills.
Brands: Startups, NGOs.
6. “Loyalty is rewarded.” Reality: layoffs reward loyalty with pink slips.
Brands: PSUs, Indian Railways.
7. “Performance appraisals are fair.” Performance is measured in brown points, not skill points.
Brands: MNCs, Private Banks.
8. “Stock options make you rich.” By the time they vest, you’ve already left. Paper wealth stays paper.
Brands: Flipkart, Paytm, Ola.
9. “Government job = luxury.” Reality: corruption, stagnation, and endless queues. Stability is not luxury.
Brands: UPSC, SSC coaching industry.
10. “MBA guarantees leadership.” MBA produces managers of PowerPoint, not leaders of people.
Brands: ISB, IIM clones, Private B-schools.
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Instant Nood-lies in Politics
1. “Achhe Din will arrive tomorrow.” Tomorrow became a permanent resident. The slogan lived longer than the promise.
Culprits: BJP (2014 campaign).
2. “Garibi Hatao.” Poverty was rebranded, not removed. It hid under new acronyms and schemes.
Culprits: Congress (1971 Indira Gandhi slogan).
3. “India Shining.” Shining for billboards, dim for villages. The lights were brighter in the campaign office than in rural homes.
Culprits: BJP (2004 campaign).
4. “Black money back in 100 days.” The only thing that returned was the slogan, recycled in speeches.
Culprits: BJP (2014).
5. “Farm loan waivers free farmers.” Relief comes in headlines, not in villages. Waivers vanish faster than rains.
Culprits: Congress, SP, DMK, TMC state govts.
6. “Smart cities are the future.” PowerPoint slides looked futuristic; ground reality stayed medieval. Flyovers don’t count as smartness.
Culprits: Modi Govt (2015).
7. “Swachh Bharat.” Brooms swept photo ops, not streets. Toilets were built, many without water. Cleanliness became a selfie spot.
Culprits: Modi Govt (2014 onward).
8. “One rank, one pension.” Promised to veterans, delivered as disputes. Instant noodles cook faster than this promise.
Culprits: BJP, Congress.
9. “Skill India.” Workshops and certificates were abundant. Actual jobs were scarce. Skills don’t pay rent without demand.
Culprits: Modi Govt (2015).
10. “Jobs for all.” The most repeated, least cooked promise. Served every election, eaten by none.
Culprits: All political parties.
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Instant Nood-lies in Culture & Religion
1. “Donate ₹501, sins vanish.” Sins don’t dissolve in receipts. They linger longer than temple bells.
Culprits: Temple boards, Priests.
2. “Gemstones change destiny.” Rocks in rings don’t move stars. They only move jeweller’s profits.
Culprits: Astrologers, Jewellers.
3. “Horoscope ensures happy marriage.” Stars don’t guarantee harmony; they only guarantee wedding revenue.
Culprits: Priests, Matrimonial portals.
4. “Holy water bottles are pure.” They add preservatives to eternity. Divinity expires in six months.
Culprits: ISKCON, Baba brands.
5. “Godmen miracles.” They materialise ash, not employment. Faith is monetised, gullibility worshipped.
Culprits: Asaram, Gurmeet Ram Rahim, Nithyananda.
6. “Faith healing cures all.” Disease bows only to medicine, not microphone prayers. The real healing happens in hospitals.
Culprits: Pentecostal churches, Mass satsangs.
7. “One mantra solves everything.” Life doesn’t untangle in syllables. Repetition soothes, but it doesn’t solve.
Culprits: Religious gurus.
8. “Cow urine cures disease.” A lie bottled as divinity. It sanitises superstition, not infection.
Culprits: Patanjali, Gau Raksha groups.
9. “Pilgrimage grants moksha.” Bus tickets and darshan queues aren’t enlightenment. Salvation isn’t sold at counters.
Culprits: Kedarnath, Tirupati, Shirdi temple industry.
10. “Temple donations buy blessings.” They fund marble floors, not morality. God doesn’t keep ledgers.
Culprits: Tirupati, Golden Temple, Siddhivinayak.
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Instant Nood-lies in Everyday Life
1. “Zero balance accounts.” Zero balance until hidden fees arrive. Banks make you pay for your nothing.
Culprits: SBI, HDFC, ICICI.
2. “Unlimited data.” Unlimited ends after 1 GB. After that, you surf slower than a buffalo cart.
Culprits: Jio, Airtel, Vi.
3. “Possession in two years.” Towers rise only in brochures. On the ground, weeds grow faster than apartments.
Culprits: DLF, Prestige, Sobha.
4. “70% off mega sale.” Prices are hiked before discounts. The only thing reduced is your trust.
Culprits: Myntra, Flipkart, Amazon.
5. “Royal weddings.” Palaces are borrowed, bills are eternal. The fairy tale ends when EMI begins.
Culprits: Big fat Indian wedding planners.
6. “On-time flights.” The ad shows clouds parting, reality shows delays boarding. Time flies faster than airlines.
Culprits: Air India, IndiGo, SpiceJet.
7. “Five-star comfort at budget.” Comfort leaks faster than shower taps. Stars shine brighter in ads than in hotels.
Culprits: Oyo, FabHotels.
8. “10-minute delivery.” Riders break bones chasing your instant cravings. Minutes saved, humanity lost.
Culprits: Blinkit, Zepto, Swiggy Instamart.
9. “Imported fabrics.” Cloth imported from warehouses, not Paris. Heritage tags are stitched in Tirupur.
Culprits: Raymond, Manyavar.
10. “Hallmark purity in jewellery.” The hallmark is real, the gold sometimes isn’t. Purity is as pure as auditing.
Culprits: Tanishq, Kalyan Jewellers.
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Instant Nood-lies in Sports & Fitness
1. “Protein powders build instant muscle.” They build instant profits. Your abs come from sweat, not scoop.
Brands: MuscleBlaze, Optimum Nutrition, Fast&Up.
2. “Sports drinks recharge energy.” They recharge sugar highs. Athletes in ads run, you run to the toilet.
Brands: Gatorade, Enerzal, Glucon-D.
3. “Running shoes make you faster.” Shoes don’t fix weak lungs. Endurance is not sold in stores.
Brands: Nike, Adidas, Puma.
4. “One-month transformations at gyms.” The only transformation is your bank balance. Fat laughs at your membership card.
Brands: Gold’s Gym, Cult Fit, Anytime Fitness.
5. “Herbal testosterone boosters.” Herbs don’t boost hormones overnight. Placebo flexes more than muscles.
Brands: Himalaya Tentex, Dabur Shilajit Gold.
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Instant Nood-lies in Environment & Sustainability
1. “Recyclable bottles save the planet.” Most bottles die in landfills. Recycling is the exception, not the rule.
Brands: Bisleri, Aquafina, Kinley.
2. “Eco-friendly detergents.” They wash guilt better than clothes. Chemicals still poison rivers.
Brands: Surf Excel Liquid, Ariel Matic Liquid.
3. “Electric vehicles are clean.” They burn coal at power plants, not on roads. Pollution is outsourced, not erased.
Brands: Ola Electric, Tata Nexon EV, Tesla.
4. “Paper straws replace plastic.” They melt in drinks and forests both. Sipping guilt doesn’t quench thirst.
Brands: McDonald’s India, Starbucks, KFC.
5. “Carbon-neutral airlines.” Planting symbolic trees doesn’t erase jet fuel. Offsets offset nothing.
Brands: Vistara, IndiGo, Air India.
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Instant Nood-lies in Lifestyle & Luxury
1. “Luxury watches are timeless.” They tick the same seconds as cheap clocks. Only prestige is purchased.
Brands: Rolex, Omega, Rado.
2. “Perfumes seduce instantly.” Attraction is chemistry, not chemistry labs. Bottles spray fantasy.
Brands: Chanel No.5, Dior Sauvage, Gucci Bloom.
3. “Designer handbags empower women.” They empower credit card bills, not women. Stitching dignity doesn’t sell.
Brands: Louis Vuitton, Hermès, Michael Kors.
4. “Spas rebirth the soul.” They rebirth oil-slicked skin. Nirvana doesn’t come with bathrobes.
Brands: O2 Spa, Four Fountains, Kaya.
5. “Luxury cars guarantee status.” Potholes greet Mercedes the same way they greet scooters. Luxury stalls at speed bumps.
Brands: Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Audi.
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Instant Nood-lies in Love & Relationships
1. “Love at first sight lasts forever.” It lasts until the first fight. Movies don’t write bills.
Culprits: Bollywood cinema.
2. “Marriage is made in heaven.” Heaven is not a matchmaking service. Hell has better customer care.
Culprits: Astrologers, Priests.
3. “One soulmate for life.” Real life offers multiple heartbreaks, not one scripted soulmate.
Culprits: Romance novels, Films.
4. “Happily ever after.” Fairy tales end at marriage. Reality begins there.
Culprits: Disney, Indian TV serials.
5. “Jealousy means love.” Jealousy means insecurity; lies mean ratings.
Culprits: TV shows, Cinema.
6. “Gifts prove love.” Affection isn’t measured in Archies receipts.
Culprits: Archies, Amazon, Flipkart.
7. “Valentine’s Day defines love.” A day created by greeting card companies defines profits, not hearts.
Culprits: Hallmark, Cadbury, Archies.
8. “Rings seal bonds.” Jewellery binds money, not souls.
Culprits: Tanishq, Malabar Gold.
9. “Romance equals candlelight dinner.” Romance exists in silence, not menus. Restaurants sell mood, not meaning.
Culprits: Taj Hotels, Zomato Gold.
10. “Marriage fixes loneliness.” Marriage often multiplies it.
Culprits: Shaadi.com, Bharat Matrimony.
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Instant Nood-lies in Technology
1. “5G everywhere, lightning fast.” Towers glow, speeds crawl. The future buffers.
Brands: Jio, Airtel, Vi.
2. “AI will solve all problems.” AI solves ad revenue. Humanity’s problems remain.
Brands: Google, Microsoft, Indian startups.
3. “Your data is safe with us.” Data is safer in a thief’s pocket. Breaches are the true product.
Brands: Facebook, Google, Paytm.
4. “End-to-end encryption guarantees privacy.” Privacy leaks in metadata while ads target your secrets.
Brands: WhatsApp, Telegram.
5. “Cloud storage is forever.” Until servers crash or subscriptions expire. Clouds vanish in drought.
Brands: iCloud, Google Drive.
6. “Smart homes make life easy.” Smart devices make companies smarter. You become the product.
Brands: Alexa, Google Nest.
7. “Metaverse is the future.” The future was sold, then abandoned like 3D TVs.
Brands: Meta (Facebook).
8. “Wearables track health perfectly.” They measure steps, not well-being. Anxiety grows with notifications.
Brands: Fitbit, Apple Watch.
9. “Self-driving cars are ready.” They’re ready to crash test patience. Autonomy remains in beta.
Brands: Tesla, Ola Electric.
10. “Digital detox apps cure addiction.” More screen time to cure screen time. Hypocrisy with push notifications.
Brands: Headspace, Calm.
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Instant Nood-lies in Media & Entertainment
1. “Breaking news.” Nothing breaks except your peace. Headlines are louder than facts.
Brands: Times Now, Republic TV, Aaj Tak.
2. “Unbiased journalism.” Every newsroom has a sponsor. Bias comes with a microphone.
Brands: NDTV, India Today, Zee News.
3. “Based on a true story.” True stories are edited to fit box office. Biopics fictionise fact.
Brands: Bollywood biopics.
4. “Reality shows.” Scripted drama, not reality. Tears rehearsed, votes manufactured.
Brands: Bigg Boss, Indian Idol, Roadies.
5. “Unbiased cricket coverage.” Advertisers bowl, anchors bat. Cricket sells brands, not fairness.
Brands: Star Sports, Sony Sports.
6. “This film will change your life.” Most films change only ticket sales.
Brands: Bollywood trailers.
7. “100 crore club = great cinema.” Box office equals hype, not quality.
Brands: Karan Johar, Salman Khan films.
8. “OTT shows the bold truth.” Truth bends to subscribers. Algorithms decide courage.
Brands: Netflix India, Amazon Prime Video, Hotstar.
9. “Celebrity gossip is journalism.” It’s advertising with lipstick.
Brands: Filmfare, Pinkvilla, Zoom TV.
10. “TRP equals choice of people.” TRP equals manipulation. Choice never got measured.
Brands: BARC, TV channels.
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Epilogue: The Long Boil
The world runs on Instant Nood-lies. From packets of noodles to packets of promises, the recipe is the same: add colour, stir fantasy, serve emptiness.
But real life — like real food — takes time. Wisdom is slow-cooked, love is simmered, justice is brewed. Instant noodles only fill bellies; Instant Nood-lies fill illusions.
The cure? Laugh, question, refuse to swallow whole. Because the moment you taste the absurdity, the lies lose their spice.
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Instant Nood-lies: The Great Boiling Debate
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Scene Setting
It is early morning at Madhukar’s off-grid homestead near Yelmadagi. The kettle is on. Instead of tea, Madhukar has invited a mixed company of unusual guests to taste something stranger — a discussion about Instant Nood-lies.
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Cast of Characters
1. Madhukar (The Guide)
Host of the gathering, steady and probing.
Purpose: To question without accusing, to lead without commanding.
2. The Advertiser (Seller of Lies)
Sharp suit, sharper slogans.
Came because he heard someone was attacking “branding” — and that means his career.
3. The Politician (Seller of Bigger Lies)
Restless, rehearsed, always ready with a slogan.
Arrived because he wants to “control the narrative.”
4. The Everyday Believer (Consumer)
A householder from the nearby village, carrying faith in packets and ads.
Came because she truly believes “brands wouldn’t lie.”
5. The Skeptic (Troublemaker)
Cynical, mocking, always asking “But why?”
Came just to see people squirm when their words are questioned.
6. The Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths)
White-bearded, unhurried.
Came because he’s seen generations recycle the same lies.
7. The Historical Witness (Memory Keeper)
Speaks with dates, anecdotes, dusty facts.
Came carrying old pamphlets, ads, and stories from decades past.
8. The Child (Innocent Exposer)
Young, curious, blurts out what adults fear to ask.
Came because she heard “there will be noodles.”
9. The Jester (Comic Critic)
Laughs at everything, never lets anyone stay too serious.
Came because lies are his favourite punchlines.
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Why They Gathered
Madhukar invited them all to discuss a single question:
“If Instant Noodles are lies in a packet, then what are the Instant Nood-lies in our lives?”
They all accepted for different reasons — to defend, to question, to mock, to remember, or simply to listen.
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Act I – Kitchen & Mirror Lies
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Madhukar (The Guide):
We begin with the most famous packet of all: noodles that promised two minutes. Tell me, Advertiser, was that not an Instant Nood-lie?
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Advertiser (Seller of Lies):
Not at all. Two minutes was a metaphor for convenience. We sell dreams, not minutes. If consumers cooked longer, that’s their fault for reading literally.
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Skeptic (Troublemaker):
So the fine print is: “Don’t believe our ads”? Wonderful. Shall we also not believe your next campaign?
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Everyday Believer (Consumer):
Wait… but the ad showed mothers smiling, children dancing. We trusted it was healthy! If they lied there, how do we trust anything at all?
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Advertiser:
You trust because everyone else does. Popularity itself is proof.
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Child (Innocent Exposer):
If everyone jumps into a borewell, do we call it “popular water”?
(Laughter erupts. The Jester claps loudly.)
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Jester (Comic Critic):
Ha! The kid just out-advertised the advertiser. “Popular Borewell Water — trusted by millions of falling villagers!”
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Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths):
You see? Food is not made instant by promises. It is made slow by soil, seasons, and patience. Lies cook faster than rice, but never nourish.
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Historical Witness (Memory Keeper):
I remember the 1980s campaigns: “Maggi — it’s healthy for kids.” Then later, 2015 — banned for lead and MSG. History repeats itself with new seasoning.
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Madhukar:
Good. Then let’s taste another packet: the mirror on the bathroom shelf. Advertiser, what do you sell there?
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Advertiser:
Confidence! “Fair in weeks, success forever.” Creams that give glow, shampoos that end dandruff, soaps that kill 99.9% germs.
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Skeptic:
And the 0.1% germs who survive? Do they get jobs in your company?
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Everyday Believer:
But my neighbour swears by those fairness creams. She says it worked.
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Child:
Then why is she still unmarried if fairness means marriage?
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(Another round of laughter. The Jester nearly falls off his chair.)
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Jester:
Breaking news: germs get promotions, wrinkles get tenure, and fairness creams guarantee only fairness to advertisers’ bank accounts.
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Philosopher-Sage:
A glow that comes in a tube is not glow but deception. True glow is health, honesty, and peace. That cannot be manufactured.
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Historical Witness:
Even in colonial times, soap ads claimed to “wash away blackness.” The language of lies has simply rebranded.
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Madhukar:
So we see: whether in the kitchen or in the mirror, the packet glitters more than the truth inside. Shall we then admit — these are not just noodles, but Instant Nood-lies?
(All except the Advertiser nod. The debate is heating, like a pot on the stove.)
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Act II – Schools, Family, and Jobs
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Madhukar (The Guide):
We have tasted the kitchen and the mirror. Now let us open the bigger packets: schools, families, jobs. These promise entire lives in glossy wrappers. Politician, why don’t you begin?
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Politician (Seller of Bigger Lies):
Education is our future! We have built smart classrooms, coaching centers, digital learning apps. With my policies, every child will become a genius, every graduate will find a job.
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Skeptic (Troublemaker):
And every speech will become a lie. Tell us, how many graduates today are delivering food on bikes? Does the job come with a helmet or with dignity?
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Everyday Believer (Consumer):
But schools say “100% placement.” My cousin’s son joined a private university, they promised him a job abroad.
---
Historical Witness (Memory Keeper):
I have brochures from the 1990s that said the same thing. Only the fonts have changed. The job guarantee is as old as chalk, as false as the chalkboard dust.
---
Child (Innocent Exposer):
If schools make everyone toppers, then why does anyone fail?
---
(The room goes silent, except the Jester, who bursts into hysterics.)
---
Jester (Comic Critic):
Ah yes, the miracle factory of toppers! “Guaranteed topper kits — just add hot water!” Coming soon from BYJU’s.
---
Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths):
Learning is a slow fire. It is not downloaded in one app, nor bought in one course. Wisdom is grown like a tree, not microwaved like noodles.
---
Madhukar:
Good. Now let us turn to the family packets. Believer, what do they tell you?
---
Everyday Believer:
Parents always say: “Once you marry, life will settle.” Relatives say: “Children bring happiness.” Elders say: “Obedience makes a good child.” These are not lies, are they?
---
Skeptic:
If marriage settles life, why are divorce courts full? If children guarantee happiness, why are households full of complaints?
---
Child:
If obedience is good, why are the bold ones in history books?
---
Philosopher-Sage:
The family repeats lies like mantras, not to deceive, but because they too were deceived. One generation boils, the next one eats.
---
Jester:
Arranged marriage is heaven, they said. Heaven with in-laws, gossipy aunts, and dowry receipts! If that’s heaven, hell must be giving discounts.
---
Historical Witness:
Dowry, marriage, “settlement” — these are not new lies. They are recycled across centuries. Manusmriti itself packaged women as property. The packet is ancient, the flavour eternal.
---
Madhukar:
And what about jobs? Tell me, Politician — what packets do you hand out there?
---
Politician:
We promise work-life balance, dignity, security. Every graduate will be a leader. Our corporates say, “We are a family company.”
---
Skeptic:
A family that fires cousins in a slowdown. A balance that tips to work while life evaporates.
---
Child:
If companies are families, why don’t they call me for Diwali?
---
Jester:
Because you’re not family — you’re family-size packet of instant labour. “Just add overtime!”
---
Philosopher-Sage:
Work is not dignity if it is slavery to lies. True work is creation. Jobs sold as noodles leave you hungry for meaning.
---
Madhukar:
So — schools sold futures, families sold settlements, jobs sold dignity. But when opened, all we found was steam. Tell me: are these not also Instant Nood-lies?
(All but the Politician nod. Even the Advertiser looks uneasy now.)
---
Act III – Politics & Culture
---
Madhukar (The Guide):
We’ve unwrapped the packets of schools, families, and jobs. Now, Politician, your stall is the largest. You serve the nation packets with slogans as seasoning. Tell us: are they food or fumes?
---
Politician (Seller of Bigger Lies):
They are nourishment for hope! “Achhe Din,” “Garibi Hatao,” “India Shining.” These are recipes of inspiration. Without them, the people would starve.
---
Skeptic (Troublemaker):
Starve? They already starve. Your slogans are salt on empty plates. Tell me, has poverty left, or has it only changed its clothes?
---
Historical Witness (Memory Keeper):
I remember Indira’s “Garibi Hatao” in 1971. I remember “India Shining” in 2004. I remember “Achhe Din” in 2014. Each promised heaven, each delivered paperwork.
---
Child (Innocent Exposer):
If jobs were promised every election, why do we still ask for them?
---
(Laughter again, though the Politician shifts uncomfortably.)
---
Jester (Comic Critic):
Ha! “Jobs for all” — the only full employment is for the slogan writers. The factory of Instant Nood-lies never downsizes.
---
Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths):
Politics is the grand kitchen of lies. They boil hunger with slogans, season despair with speeches, serve hope in plastic cups. True nourishment is justice, and that cooks slowly, painfully, honestly.
---
Madhukar:
And what of religion and culture, Politician? Do these not also serve packets of Instant Nood-lies?
---
Politician:
Faith is the soul of the people. Donate, chant, pilgrimage — and your sins will dissolve. These are not lies, they are traditions.
---
Skeptic:
Traditions that turn sins into invoices. “Donate ₹501, receive instant moksha.” Enlightenment now comes with QR codes.
---
Everyday Believer (Consumer):
But temples promise blessings, godmen promise miracles, gemstones promise destiny. Are all these false?
---
Historical Witness:
False and old. In the 1920s, astrologers advertised in newspapers: “Wear this stone, win in court.” Even then, destiny was for sale. The ad hasn’t changed, only the font.
---
Child:
If cow urine cures all disease, why do doctors exist?
---
Jester:
Because doctors can’t bottle lies fast enough! Baba Ramdev got there first. “One spoon of gaumutra a day, and even death will turn vegetarian.”
---
Philosopher-Sage:
Faith that sells shortcuts is not faith but fraud. The divine is slow like rivers, not instant like powders. Lies wear saffron, lies wear white coats, lies wear slogans — but they remain lies.
---
Madhukar:
So — politics sells hope, religion sells salvation, both in packets of convenience. They glow in words, they vanish in reality. Shall we agree, these too are Instant Nood-lies?
(The room hums in agreement. Even the Politician lowers his head, though he mutters about “public perception.”)
---
Act IV – Everyday, Tech & Media
---
Madhukar (The Guide):
We have stirred the packets of politics and faith. Now let us pour hot water into the bowl of daily life. Believer, tell me — what Instant Nood-lies do you swallow each day?
---
Everyday Believer (Consumer):
The bank says “Zero balance account,” but later they add hidden fees. Telecom says “Unlimited data,” but my net dies after 1 GB. Online stores scream “70% off,” but I think they raise the price before cutting.
---
Skeptic (Troublemaker):
That’s not thinking, that’s reality. “Unlimited” is a word invented by advertisers to mean “strictly limited.”
---
Child (Innocent Exposer):
If flights are always on time, why do people sleep on airport floors?
---
(The Jester leaps up, clapping like a seal.)
---
Jester (Comic Critic):
Because “On-time flight” means on time to be late! Airlines serve punctuality like noodles — only in ads.
---
Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths):
Daily life is full of such packets. Convenience is promised, frustration delivered. Truth is not instant. Patience is the only real currency.
---
Historical Witness (Memory Keeper):
Even in the 1950s, soap and talc ads promised “instant confidence.” In the 1980s, banks promised “instant approval.” Every decade reheats the same soup.
---
Madhukar:
And now, let us unbox the newest packets: technology. Advertiser, what do you sell here?
---
Advertiser (Seller of Lies):
I sell speed! 5G everywhere, lightning-fast. AI that solves every problem. Smart homes, smart watches, smart lives!
---
Skeptic:
Smart lies, too. 5G towers glow, but speeds crawl. AI solves only ad targeting. Smart homes make you dumb with dependence.
---
Child:
If data is safe with Facebook, why did my father get fake calls after signing up?
---
Jester:
Because the real product is you! Facebook doesn’t give privacy — it gives your privacy away. “End-to-end encryption” just means thieves at both ends.
---
Philosopher-Sage:
Technology promises eternity: cloud storage forever, digital lives immortal. But clouds disappear, servers crash, and immortality has monthly subscriptions.
---
Historical Witness:
I recall when radios promised “the voice of truth.” Then came TV with “unbiased journalism.” Now OTT claims “bold truth.” Each medium repeats the same lie: “We show reality.”
---
Madhukar:
And media? Politician, what say you?
---
Politician (Seller of Bigger Lies):
The media is the voice of the people! Breaking news, live updates, TRP-driven choices. It keeps democracy alive.
---
Skeptic:
It keeps democracy alive the way a ventilator keeps a dying man alive — with noise, tubes, and bills.
---
Child:
If news is true, why do different channels shout different truths?
---
Jester:
Because every anchor cooks their own noodles. “Republic Ramen,” “NDTV Noodles,” “Zee Zoodles.” Each packet, one truth flavour!
---
Philosopher-Sage:
Truth is slow, quiet, and unprofitable. Media has no patience for it. Lies are fast, noisy, and entertaining — perfect for instant packaging.
---
Madhukar:
So — daily life sells convenience, technology sells illusions, media sells noise. Each one a packet of Instant Nood-lies.
(The group nods; even the Advertiser sighs. The debate has boiled to a thick broth of recognition.)
---
Act V – Love, Luxury & Epilogue
---
Madhukar (The Guide):
We have opened packets of politics, faith, media, and machines. But what of the most intimate packets — love and luxury? Believer, what lies do you find there?
---
Everyday Believer (Consumer):
Bollywood promised me “love at first sight.” My parents promised “marriage will settle life.” Shops promise that diamonds are forever. Each one is a packet I carried.
---
Skeptic (Troublemaker):
And each one expired before the warranty card. “Forever” lasts until the EMI. Marriage often unsettles more than it settles.
---
Child (Innocent Exposer):
If rings prove love, why do divorced people still wear them in old photos?
---
(The Jester slaps the table, laughing so hard he spills his cup.)
---
Jester (Comic Critic):
Brilliant! A ring proves only that you could afford a circle of lies. “One ring to rule them all, and in the divorce bind them!”
---
Philosopher-Sage (Slow Truths):
Love is not instant. It ripens like fruit, bruised and sweetened by time. Packaging it in chocolates or red roses is the quickest lie of all.
---
Historical Witness (Memory Keeper):
In the 90s, Archies cards invented Valentine’s Day in India. Before that, love had no season. Now, February sells more lies than mango season.
---
Madhukar:
And luxury? Advertiser, defend your kingdoms of gold and perfume.
---
Advertiser (Seller of Lies):
Luxury is aspiration! Rolex, BMW, Louis Vuitton — they promise class, elegance, power. Without luxury, society stagnates.
---
Skeptic:
Without luxury, society breathes easier. Watches tick seconds the same. Cars hit potholes the same. Perfumes don’t seduce, they only deodorise.
---
Child:
If luxury means comfort, why do rich people still look unhappy?
---
Jester:
Because their spa gives rebirth — but they’re reborn with the same face, same problems, and lighter wallets. Luxury is reincarnation without karma.
---
Philosopher-Sage:
Luxury lies because it claims to add meaning. But meaning cannot be bought, only lived. A simple life is richer than any diamond-encrusted packet.
---
Historical Witness:
From colonial times, Indians were told: “Imported = superior.” The British sold us cloth, watches, and whisky. Today, it is the same packet with new stickers.
---
Madhukar:
So love is packaged in chocolates, luxury in gold, both vanish like steam. And yet, these too we swallow as Instant Nood-lies.
---
Epilogue: The Long Boil
Madhukar (The Guide):
Friends, we have unwrapped packet after packet. Kitchens, mirrors, schools, families, jobs, politics, temples, markets, phones, screens, perfumes, promises. All looked glossy, all smelled tempting, all left us empty.
The truth is this:
Lies cook fast, truth cooks slow.
Lies glitter, truth glows.
Lies fill shelves, truth fills souls.
Instant noodles may fill a stomach. Instant Nood-lies fill a civilization with illusions.
So what must we do? Laugh at them, question them, refuse to swallow them whole. Only then will we taste what is real.
(The kettle whistles. The debate ends, not with applause, but with silence — each participant chewing on their own thoughts, perhaps for the first time without a packet.)
---
---
Two-Minute Gods
they sell us packets
two minutes of heaven,
just add hot water,
stir your desperation,
and wait—
but the packet lies.
always lies.
the noodles are never two minutes,
the job is never guaranteed,
the marriage is never “settled,”
the godman’s blessing never arrives,
the fairness cream never whitens anything
except the wallet of the ad agency.
the packets shine,
yellow, red, saffron, blue,
they scream in neon:
TRUST ME
but inside—
air.
greasy dust.
MSG for the soul.
---
banks say “zero balance,”
telecoms say “unlimited,”
politicians say “achhe din,”
schools say “100% placement,”
priests say “one donation = moksha,”
your uncle says “have children, you’ll be happy,”
your aunt says “dowry ensures respect,”
Netflix says “based on a true story.”
lies stack up like instant noodles in a kirana store,
rows of promises,
rows of faces,
rows of ghosts
laughing in plastic.
---
the old man at the bus stop still remembers:
in his day the packet was called socialism,
before that it was called empire,
today it is called development.
same packet,
different masala.
the sage says:
truth is slow cooking,
like dal on woodfire.
you wait,
you stir,
you add water again and again,
you let the flame lick the pot,
you smell the patience.
that’s truth.
but who has time for truth?
---
we want
instant noodles,
instant love,
instant nirvana,
instant death if possible—
something with a shortcut
and a discount.
---
listen:
the world is a supermarket,
the aisles are lined with slogans,
the loudspeakers shout sermons,
the cashier smiles with god’s teeth,
and you stand there,
wallet open,
buying lies
like they were groceries.
---
the trick, my friend,
is to laugh at the packets
before they laugh at you.
tear them open,
pour them out,
watch the steam rise,
and say aloud:
another instant nood-lie,
served hot,
swallowed cold.
---
---
