“WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN?” — THE MOST ABUSED EXCUSE AGAINST CHANGE
- Madhukar Dama
- 19 hours ago
- 15 min read
INTRODUCTION: THE SHIELD THAT CANNOT CRY
Whenever a radical yet healing life change is proposed — be it stopping junk food, quitting school, returning to nature, throwing away gadgets, rejecting consumerism, or living simply — the loudest protest usually comes in one innocent-looking question:
“But what about the children?”
It is the question that ends every conversation.
It is the excuse that everyone accepts.
It is the shield behind which every parent hides.
But there’s one thing almost no one bothers to do —
Ask the child.
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THE LIE THAT LOOKS LIKE LOVE
The phrase “What about the children?” is not a concern.
It is a mask.
It is a weaponized emotion used by adults to protect their own attachments, guilt, dependencies, fears, and comforts — while disguising them as care.
Let’s be brutally clear:
The child is not the problem.
The adult is.
The child:
Was never addicted to the smartphone.
Never asked for packet food.
Didn’t demand private school, tuitions, exams, or ACs.
Never requested a career plan or future security.
Wasn’t ashamed of wearing hand-me-downs.
Didn’t want a lavish birthday party.
Every one of these came from the parent.
Yet, when a change is proposed — a healthier food, a screen-free lifestyle, growing food, early sleep, walking barefoot, homeschooling, or quitting a toxic job —
it’s not the adult who resists openly.
They hide behind:
“But my child won’t adjust.”
“My child needs this.”
“My child will suffer.”
This is not protection. It is projection.
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THE TRUTH ADULTS REFUSE TO FACE
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? — 50 EXCUSES DECODED
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1. Suggestion: Stop sugar completely
Adult’s Excuse: “Children need some sweetness in life.”
Actual Child Response: Within a week, child’s tantrums and constipation reduce.
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2. Suggestion: Wake up at sunrise
Adult’s Excuse: “Let the child sleep, poor thing studies hard.”
Actual Child Response: Wakes up fresh with nature if screen and late dinner are removed.
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3. Suggestion: Replace TV with nature play
Adult’s Excuse: “What will they do all day without TV?”
Actual Child Response: Start building, digging, painting, pretending — for hours.
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4. Suggestion: Remove Maggi and packaged snacks
Adult’s Excuse: “It’s the only thing my child eats.”
Actual Child Response: Tries new natural foods within 3 days if parents stop eating junk too.
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5. Suggestion: Stop buying birthday gifts and toys
Adult’s Excuse: “Then how will they feel special?”
Actual Child Response: Feels more excited when parents spend time or tell stories instead.
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6. Suggestion: No A/C or cooler at night
Adult’s Excuse: “My child gets heat rashes and can’t sleep.”
Actual Child Response: Sleeps better with cross-ventilation, wet towel on belly, and mosquito net.
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7. Suggestion: Stop mobile for child completely
Adult’s Excuse: “They’ll fall behind in tech knowledge.”
Actual Child Response: Becomes calmer, starts asking more questions, returns to play.
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8. Suggestion: Use mud or wooden utensils
Adult’s Excuse: “They may break it or get infection.”
Actual Child Response: Enjoys texture, eats more attentively, and becomes careful.
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9. Suggestion: Switch to hand-washing clothes
Adult’s Excuse: “How will we manage school uniforms?”
Actual Child Response: Learns to wash own clothes and feels proud.
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10. Suggestion: Stop plastic bottles and use mud pot or steel
Adult’s Excuse: “Child won’t carry heavy bottle.”
Actual Child Response: Carries proudly, drinks more water, avoids acidity.
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11. Suggestion: Shift to millet-based traditional meals
Adult’s Excuse: “My child is used to chapati and rice only.”
Actual Child Response: Accepts within a week when food is served with calm presence.
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12. Suggestion: No junk food during travel
Adult’s Excuse: “Then what will we feed the kids?”
Actual Child Response: Eats peanuts, bananas, home-packed meals, and remains healthy.
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13. Suggestion: Grow own food
Adult’s Excuse: “Child won’t understand farming.”
Actual Child Response: Loves digging, watering, and harvesting even tiny crops.
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14. Suggestion: Remove creams, shampoos, and cosmetics
Adult’s Excuse: “Child’s skin will get dry.”
Actual Child Response: Skin glows with oil massage, bathing powder, and sunlight.
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15. Suggestion: Sleep without light or fan
Adult’s Excuse: “My child is scared of dark.”
Actual Child Response: Sleeps peacefully when parent sleeps next to them without devices.
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16. Suggestion: Remove sugar from milk
Adult’s Excuse: “She won’t drink milk without sugar.”
Actual Child Response: Stops asking after 4 days; drinks plain or with dates.
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17. Suggestion: Let child play in mud
Adult’s Excuse: “They’ll fall sick.”
Actual Child Response: Gets stronger immunity and better digestion.
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18. Suggestion: Teach menstruation openly
Adult’s Excuse: “She’s too young to know all that.”
Actual Child Response: Becomes body-positive, confident, and unashamed.
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19. Suggestion: Stop tuitions
Adult’s Excuse: “Without tuition, he’ll fail.”
Actual Child Response: Performs better when rested and supported by parents.
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20. Suggestion: Do not give money for pocket expenses
Adult’s Excuse: “How will they learn to manage?”
Actual Child Response: Becomes more creative, resourceful, and less demanding.
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21. Suggestion: Avoid malls, theme parks, restaurants
Adult’s Excuse: “They deserve entertainment.”
Actual Child Response: Finds greater joy in rivers, forests, village fairs, and free games.
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22. Suggestion: Include children in chores
Adult’s Excuse: “Let them enjoy childhood.”
Actual Child Response: Learns discipline, confidence, and teamwork.
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23. Suggestion: Remove fridge and live without cold storage
Adult’s Excuse: “Then how will children drink cold water?”
Actual Child Response: Stops craving cold, starts drinking room temperature water happily.
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24. Suggestion: Stop chemical mosquito repellent
Adult’s Excuse: “Children will get bitten.”
Actual Child Response: Sleeps well with mosquito net, fan breeze, and neem oil.
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25. Suggestion: Eat only seasonal local fruits
Adult’s Excuse: “My child only eats apples and bananas.”
Actual Child Response: Begins to enjoy jamun, guava, papaya, and mangoes when parents lead.
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26. Suggestion: Avoid toothpaste and use natural powder
Adult’s Excuse: “Child will reject it.”
Actual Child Response: Accepts it if taught playfully, enjoys the earthy feel.
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27. Suggestion: Shift to smaller home, reduce EMI
Adult’s Excuse: “Children need space to grow.”
Actual Child Response: Bonds more with family, becomes emotionally secure.
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28. Suggestion: Celebrate birthdays without parties
Adult’s Excuse: “Their friends will tease them.”
Actual Child Response: Feels deeply celebrated when rituals, songs, and stories are shared.
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29. Suggestion: No Wi-Fi at home
Adult’s Excuse: “Their school needs it.”
Actual Child Response: Finishes schoolwork early, spends more time in reality.
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30. Suggestion: Stop air travel and switch to trains
Adult’s Excuse: “Kids can’t sit for long.”
Actual Child Response: Enjoys train window views, station snacks, and long chats.
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31. Suggestion: Let child experience hunger
Adult’s Excuse: “Never let a child go hungry!”
Actual Child Response: Learns to listen to real hunger, stops emotional eating.
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32. Suggestion: No junk food rewards
Adult’s Excuse: “How else will I motivate?”
Actual Child Response: Responds better to praise, stories, and presence.
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33. Suggestion: Let child live with limited clothes
Adult’s Excuse: “She’ll feel less than others.”
Actual Child Response: Becomes emotionally independent, less focused on appearance.
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34. Suggestion: Learn regional language only
Adult’s Excuse: “They must learn English to survive.”
Actual Child Response: Learns faster and deeper in mother tongue, becomes rooted.
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35. Suggestion: Do not celebrate exam marks
Adult’s Excuse: “They won’t aim high then.”
Actual Child Response: Feels safe to fail, becomes more curious and less anxious.
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36. Suggestion: Stop Sunday outings to restaurants
Adult’s Excuse: “It’s our family bonding time.”
Actual Child Response: Bonds better during barefoot morning walks and picnics.
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37. Suggestion: No TV during illness
Adult’s Excuse: “TV keeps them distracted.”
Actual Child Response: Heals faster when allowed to rest, sleep, and connect.
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38. Suggestion: Use natural remedies first
Adult’s Excuse: “My child can’t take the pain.”
Actual Child Response: Responds faster to warm water, castor oil, and tulsi steam than pills.
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39. Suggestion: Let child handle discomfort sometimes
Adult’s Excuse: “Why should they suffer?”
Actual Child Response: Becomes resilient, learns patience, and understands the body.
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40. Suggestion: Avoid instant packaged breakfast
Adult’s Excuse: “There’s no time in the morning.”
Actual Child Response: Eats cooked food with more satisfaction and better digestion.
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41. Suggestion: Walk to school
Adult’s Excuse: “It’s unsafe and tiring.”
Actual Child Response: Enjoys the rhythm, sees more, and arrives alert.
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42. Suggestion: No screen-based homework
Adult’s Excuse: “That’s the school requirement.”
Actual Child Response: Retains better when done by hand and real reading.
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43. Suggestion: Let child get bored
Adult’s Excuse: “He’ll become cranky.”
Actual Child Response: Learns self-occupation, becomes creative and observant.
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44. Suggestion: Celebrate festivals with rituals not shopping
Adult’s Excuse: “They expect new clothes and sweets.”
Actual Child Response: Enjoys making, sharing, decorating, and storytelling.
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45. Suggestion: Quit tuition overload
Adult’s Excuse: “Everyone else sends their child.”
Actual Child Response: Feels relief, plays more, learns at own pace.
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46. Suggestion: Shift to rural area
Adult’s Excuse: “My child won’t adjust.”
Actual Child Response: Becomes happier with space, animals, freedom, and nature.
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47. Suggestion: Let child spend time with grandparents
Adult’s Excuse: “They spoil him.”
Actual Child Response: Learns love, storytelling, slowness, and respect.
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48. Suggestion: Don’t teach child to compete
Adult’s Excuse: “Then he won’t survive in the world.”
Actual Child Response: Feels safer, collaborates better, and becomes confident.
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49. Suggestion: Let child go barefoot
Adult’s Excuse: “Stones, glass, infection!”
Actual Child Response: Gains stronger feet, posture, grounding, and immunity.
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50. Suggestion: Stop using child to justify lifestyle
Adult’s Excuse: “I’m doing it all for them.”
Actual Child Response: Says, silently or aloud — “I only wanted your presence and peace.”
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Conclusion: The child adjusts. The adult complains.
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EXAMPLES OF PARENTAL PROJECTION
1. THE JUNK FOOD HYPOCRISY
When junk is banned from home, the mother buys it secretly and says, “My child wanted it.”
But if you sit the child down gently and say:
“This food is harming your stomach, your teeth, and your mind. Let’s try something better,”
children comply — sometimes even inspire change in others.
2. THE SCHOOLING PANIC
Many Indian parents keep paying for elite schools even when the child is:
burnt out,
vomiting from stress,
afraid of exams, or
clearly depressed.
Still, they say:
> “I’m doing this for his future. He’ll thank me one day.”
The truth?
They are terrified of what others will say if the child drops out.
They are afraid to lose respect, not the child’s well-being.
3. THE GADGET TRAP
It is not the child who buys the iPhone, installs Disney+, or demands Bluetooth headphones.
The adult introduces it early — to make parenting easier.
Then later says:
> “He cries if I take it away.”
Who taught him to cry for it?
Who taught him to sit still only if there’s a screen?
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WHY ADULTS USE CHILDREN AS AN EXCUSE
1. TO HIDE THEIR OWN ADDICTIONS
A parent who can’t give up fast food, phone scrolling, shopping, air conditioning, or Netflix
projects the same helplessness on the child.
It becomes easier to say:
> “Children today need these things.”
Instead of:
> “I don’t want to change.”
2. TO AVOID GUILT
A parent who realizes their lifestyle is wrong — but lacks the courage to change —
feels guilty.
Rather than admit:
> “I’m scared,”
They claim:
> “My children won’t let me.”
This is not truth. This is emotional manipulation of the child.
3. TO MAINTAIN SOCIAL IMAGE
Every parent wants to look like a responsible parent in society.
They don’t want to be judged as “crazy” for:
not giving branded things,
not sending kids to school,
making them live simply.
So they blame the child:
> “I wanted to live simply, but my children need better.”
This is cowardice.
4. TO FEED THEIR EGO
A parent feels important when they say:
> “I’m sacrificing everything for my child.”
It becomes an identity.
So when natural living is suggested — which costs less and involves shared joy —
it threatens their ego-built martyrdom.
They don’t know how to exist without suffering for the child.
So they reject peace by claiming:
> “My child won’t adjust.”
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ACTUAL BEHAVIOUR OF CHILDREN DURING LIFESTYLE CHANGE
Let’s observe children in real families who have embraced alternative living.
Case 1: A Bengaluru family removed TV and gadgets.
Children were irritable for 3 days.
By day 5, they:
drew more,
played more,
began gardening,
asked more questions,
started sleeping better.
Case 2: A Bidar family switched to millets and natural food.
The mother cried on Day 1.
The children asked for dosa, but didn’t throw tantrums.
By Week 2, they:
passed stool regularly,
stopped itching at night,
began eating by hunger, not by clock.
Case 3: A homeschool family in Hassan.
People said:
> “Your kids will be unsocial.”
But the children:
read faster than school kids,
talked respectfully with adults and elders,
solved their own conflicts,
helped in house and farm work.
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THE DAMAGE CAUSED BY THIS EXCUSE
When adults use children as excuses:
1. Children lose access to healing.
They remain in polluted, plastic, fast-paced, unnatural lives.
2. Children inherit the same fears and dependencies.
They grow up thinking sugar is normal, exams are mandatory, gadgets are essential.
3. They stop trusting their own instincts.
If they show contentment in simplicity but see adults resist it, they feel confused.
4. They become emotionally manipulated.
They carry guilt: “Because of me, my parents suffer.”
5. They become addicted, because parents delay action.
By the time a parent wakes up, the child is already deeply hooked.
6. A family’s healing is delayed for decades.
All because no one dared to say:
> “I’m hiding behind my child.”
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HOW TO HEAL THIS PATTERN — HONEST STEPS FOR ADULTS
1. Stop saying “what about the child?” Say “what about me?”
Every healing begins with truth.
2. Try the change yourself for a week before involving the child.
Children trust when they see proof.
3. Be willing to be called crazy.
Your child’s future is worth more than your neighbour’s opinion.
4. Apologize to the child.
Say:
> “We taught you some things that were not good.
Now we’re learning better. Let’s do it together.”
5. Include the child in every change.
Let them choose recipes, help clean, wake up with you, ask questions.
6. Celebrate small wins.
Talk openly about how much better life feels now — for everyone.
7. Never blame the child again. Ever.
If you're afraid to change, admit it. But never lie by using their name.
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FINAL REFLECTION
> Children are not resistant to change. They are waiting for it.
It is adults who are stuck in denial, dependency, social pressure, and false pride.
So the next time someone says:
“But what about the children?”
Look into their eyes and ask:
> “Is it really the child who is scared…
or are you just too used to the disease?”
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A healing dialogue set in a forest clearing outside Yelmadagi, where a middle-class family from Bidar — father, mother, grandmother, and two children — visit Madhukar, the former scientist-turned-hermit.
They have avoided change for years by saying “What about the children?” — but now even the children are disillusioned, angry, and tired of being used as an excuse.
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TITLE: The Children We Hid Behind
Characters:
Raghav (45): Government employee, diabetic, fearful of change
Savitha (42): Homemaker, anxious, emotionally dependent on image
Ajji (70): Traditional grandmother, silently observes
Sanjana (17): Bright, frustrated, emotionally neglected
Rishi (11): Sensitive, bored, addicted to screen
Madhukar (43): Hermit healer
---
[Scene: Under a neem tree. Birds chirp. Clay tumblers of ragi drink are served. Everyone sits on a mat. The air is still. Truth is near.]
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Madhukar:
You’ve come far. Not in distance — but in honesty. What brings you?
Raghav (sighs):
We don’t know what’s happening. Our children are… angry. Silent. Distant. We tried to protect them, but—
Sanjana (interrupts):
You didn’t protect us. You hid behind us.
Savitha (shocked):
Sanjana!
Sanjana:
It’s true, Amma. Every time you wanted to eat outside, you said “Children like it.”
Every time you watched serials or skipped walking, you said “Children won’t adjust.”
When someone said try something better, you said “What about the children?”
Rishi (quietly):
You never even asked us.
---
Madhukar (softly):
You gave them no choice. You used them to validate your fear.
But now the shield has cracked. Children see through your disguise.
---
Ajji (gently):
In my time, we feared gods. Today, you fear society. And pretend it's for the child's sake.
Madhukar:
A child doesn’t demand a fridge. Or shampoo. Or pizza.
He demands presence. Simplicity. Rhythm. Truth.
They waited for years — for you to walk beside them. But you made them carry your fear.
---
Raghav:
But what if we had changed… and they did suffer?
Madhukar:
They would have healed with you.
Children don’t suffer from simplicity. They suffer from your double life.
---
Savitha (in tears):
I thought if I gave them everything — tuition, clothes, gadgets — they’d be happy.
Sanjana:
We just wanted you. Not your offerings.
You sat with us only during online classes and movies.
Never during real life.
---
Madhukar (firmly):
So now… decide. Will you keep using their name to escape truth?
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Raghav (shaken):
No. We’ll stop blaming them.
We’ll stop saying “for the child.”
We’ll start saying “with the child.”
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Savitha (to Sanjana and Rishi):
Will you help us change? I won’t lie in your name again.
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Rishi (smiling for the first time):
Let’s plant millets tomorrow. No screen. No complaints.
Sanjana:
And let’s start walking at 5 am. Like you promised 8 years ago.
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Madhukar (quietly):
Good. Because children are not excuses.
They are mirrors.
And when mirrors crack, the family shatters.
Let today be your mending.
---
[Scene ends. The sun rises. The mat is folded. The family walks away barefoot. Not in shame — but in readiness.]
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Here is the 12-month follow-up to “The Children We Hid Behind”, showing the emotional, behavioral, physical, and relational transformation of the Bidar family — Raghav, Savitha, Sanjana, Rishi, and Ajji — after their healing encounter with Madhukar.
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12-MONTH FOLLOW-UP: THE SHIELD IS DOWN
Month 1: Discomfort Begins
Raghav begins waking at 5 AM, walks with Rishi silently.
Savitha weeps while letting go of her pantry filled with processed items.
Sanjana avoids everyone but starts drawing again.
Rishi throws tantrums for phone — but less intensely each day.
Ajji smiles. She knows rhythm is returning.
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Month 2: Confession and Clarity
The family sits in a circle one evening.
Raghav admits: “We were scared, not you.”
Children don't clap. But their eyes soften.
Sugar is banned. Gadgets locked away.
Clay pots replace the fridge. Ragi mudde becomes staple.
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Month 3: First Signs of Trust
Rishi builds a mud stove with Ajji.
Sanjana begins teaching a neighborhood girl Kannada poems.
Savitha stops dressing for photos. She now dresses for comfort.
Raghav logs out of his WhatsApp groups and begins writing in a notebook.
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Month 4: Rebuilding Bonds
The family celebrates Ugadi by storytelling and planting trees.
No sweets, no shopping, no relatives. Just tears, memories, laughter.
Raghav holds Savitha’s hand in public. First time in 12 years.
Rishi sleeps peacefully without asking for lullabies.
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Month 5: Society Strikes Back
Relatives mock: “What are you trying to prove?”
Sanjana’s friends say: “Your family is backward.”
Raghav is warned at office: “Too much naturalism affects performance.”
But the family doesn’t flinch. Because they have breakfast together now.
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Month 6: The First Healing
Rishi’s stammer vanishes.
Sanjana stops biting her nails.
Savitha’s menstrual pain reduces without pills.
Raghav’s blood sugar drops naturally. No medicine.
Ajji begins climbing stairs without help.
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Month 7–9: Rhythm Deepens
Each member grows one vegetable of their choice.
Weekly “no speaking” Sunday observed. Only gestures, drawing, touch.
Sanjana starts writing letters to her future child.
Rishi begins crafting wooden toys for nearby children.
The family starts collecting local folk songs.
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Month 10: From Victims to Guides
A neighbor couple visits, asking: “How did your kids become like this?”
Savitha smiles and says: “We stopped lying in their name.”
Raghav teaches barefoot walking in the park.
Sanjana records Ajji’s old remedies into a notebook titled “Real Science.”
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Month 11: The Return of Silence
No TV, no internet, no outside food for 30 days.
The house breathes. The garden expands.
Raghav listens more than he speaks.
Savitha sings more than she worries.
Children laugh more than they ever did.
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Month 12: A New Identity
They are no longer a family trying to heal.
They are a healed family showing others how to begin.
Sanjana rejects college. Wants to open a forest library.
Rishi refuses to cut his hair. Says: “Let the wind touch all of me.”
Raghav submits his resignation — chooses part-time soil work.
Savitha starts a neighborhood support circle for mothers.
Ajji begins teaching teenage girls how to menstruate in dignity.
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EPILOGUE: A LETTER FROM SANJANA TO HER FUTURE CHILD
> “Your grandparents once used us as shields to avoid healing.
But now we are shields of truth — not to hide behind, but to stand with.
If you ever hear someone say ‘But what about the children?’ —
look them in the eye and whisper:
‘We’re ready. Are you?’”
---
--
THE SHIELD CALLED CHILDREN
you said
“not now — the kids are too young.”
then
“not now — exams are near.”
then
“not now — teenage is delicate.”
and one day
they were older than you.
you fed them sugar
and blamed them for your cravings.
you bought the phone
and blamed them for being addicted.
you gave them the school
and blamed them for losing their soul.
you hid behind
every scream, every excuse,
wearing their name
like a kevlar vest
for your cowardice.
and when someone offered
a better life —
mud floors, early sun, millet,
no tuition, no gadget,
just rhythm —
you barked back:
“what about the children?”
but the children
were never screaming.
they were watching.
they saw you scroll
while calling it parenting.
they saw you eat poison
and call it tradition.
they saw your lies
in your breakfast
and your bedtime
and your temple visits
and your fake stories
about love and duty.
you made them shields.
but they felt like hostages.
and one day
they cracked.
the silence turned sharp.
the questions became knives.
the daughter said:
“stop speaking my name to protect your fear.”
the son whispered:
“i never asked for this cage.”
and that was the day
you broke.
you walked barefoot.
your insulin bottles dried.
you apologized with your hands,
not your words.
you burnt your image
and kept the ashes as offering.
you sat with your children
without giving advice.
you listened to their wounds
without reaching for a quote.
you fed them with soil.
you cleaned their hair with sun.
you walked behind them
and for the first time —
they looked back
and waited.
not because they were dependent.
because you finally came clean.
you no longer blamed them
for your laziness.
you no longer projected
your denial.
you no longer used
the most sacred beings
as excuses
for your slavery.
you unshackled their name
from your shame.
and when someone now asks you:
“what about the children?”
you don’t answer.
you simply open the door
and let them see
what healing looks like
when you stop hiding.
---
