SUCCESSFUL PARENTING IS MAKING THE CHILD INDEPENDENT ASAP
- Madhukar Dama
- 8 hours ago
- 8 min read
And Parenting Failure Is Delaying That Independence
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING IS MAKING THE CHILD INDEPENDENT ASAP
And Parenting Failure Is Delaying That Independence
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1. THE NATURAL DESIGN OF LIFE
In nature, parenting ends early.
A calf walks within minutes.
A lion cub starts learning to hunt within months.
A bird is pushed out of the nest to fly.
Why?
Because nature is not interested in dependency.
It is interested in survival — and survival demands independence.
There is no species on Earth, except humans, where parenting continues endlessly into the child’s adulthood.
Only we have created a system where even 30-year-olds ask permission.
Where adults cry for approval.
Where their confidence still depends on a parent’s mood.
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2. WHAT IS INDEPENDENCE, REALLY?
Independence doesn’t mean rebellion.
It doesn’t mean moving away or earning money early.
It means:
Thinking clearly on your own.
Taking responsibility for your body, emotions, time, and choices.
Not blaming anyone for your state.
Not living off someone else's fear, pride, or guilt.
Independence means you lead your life, not just follow someone else’s script.
It means inner adulthood — not just an age marker.
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3. WHEN PARENTS DELAY INDEPENDENCE
Delaying independence is not love.
It is control.
It is fear.
It is vanity.
When you feed a 6-year-old who can eat on their own,
When you decide clothes for a 12-year-old,
When you choose subjects for a 17-year-old,
When you find jobs, homes, and spouses for 25-year-olds...
You are not helping.
You are stealing their chance to grow.
You are making sure they will remain dependent, confused, and emotionally weak.
This is not parenting — this is plantation.
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4. WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS?
Because they want to feel needed.
Because their identity is built around controlling someone else.
Because they were never given independence themselves.
Because they are scared of being alone.
Because they think if the child becomes truly independent, they will lose their purpose.
Because they confuse obedience with love.
And worst of all — because society claps for dependency:
“Oh, what a nice boy! He never says no to his parents.”
“What a good girl! She didn’t choose her career or husband — her parents did!”
That’s not good.
That’s a tragedy.
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5. TRUE LOVE SETS FREE
If your child still needs your approval to make a decision at 25,
You have failed.
If your child calls you daily for trivial emotional regulation,
You have delayed their adulthood.
If your child cannot face rejection, loss, or boredom without collapsing,
You have raised a baby, not a human.
True love teaches the child to walk away.
True love says —
“You don’t need me anymore. And that is the greatest success of my parenting.”
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6. SUCCESSFUL PARENTING LOOKS LIKE THIS
A 5-year-old who ties their own shoelaces.
A 7-year-old who can pack their own bag and eat what’s served.
A 10-year-old who can cook basic food.
A 13-year-old who manages their studies.
A 16-year-old who takes care of their body, clothes, time, and decisions.
A 19-year-old who can earn, think, and even disagree respectfully.
A 21-year-old who can walk into the world without becoming a slave to trends or parental guilt.
These are not achievements.
These are natural milestones that most urban parenting delays.
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7. FAILURE LOOKS FANCY
In many Indian homes, failure is dressed in gold.
Children are spoon-fed till college.
They are driven everywhere, fed specially, praised for doing the bare minimum.
Their mistakes are blamed on teachers.
Their tantrums are excused.
Their addictions are hidden.
Their thinking is outsourced.
Their self-worth is borrowed.
The parents call it “love”.
But it’s emotional imprisonment.
And the cost is high — for both.
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8. THE PRICE OF DEPENDENCY
A dependent child becomes:
Emotionally fragile
Financially careless
Easily manipulated
Addicted to praise
Unable to take rejection
Confused about identity
Depressed and anxious
Afraid of freedom
They will either become a rebel — or a puppet.
Neither is a success.
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9. SUCCESS IN LIFE IS SELF-LEADERSHIP
You are only successful when:
You understand your body, mind, emotions, and work.
You do not expect rescue.
You don’t blame.
You think, choose, and act — independently.
No degree, salary, marriage, or fame matters if you are not leading your own life.
And no child will become this unless the parent steps back at the right time.
Let go.
Step back.
Watch them wobble.
Let them feel hunger.
Let them face failure.
Let them clean their mess.
Let them learn the price of a mistake.
Don’t save them. Prepare them.
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10. WHEN DOES PARENTING END?
In reality — good parenting ends early.
The goal is to become unnecessary —
To become a loving presence, not a controlling one.
You should aim to be:
Respected, not obeyed.
Loved, not feared.
Missed, not depended on.
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11. HEALING FOR PARENTS
If you’re afraid to let go, ask yourself:
Who were you trying to become by raising this child?
Why do you feel useless if they don’t need you?
What part of your own childhood trauma is being replayed?
Let go with grace.
And give your child the gift of a life that is truly their own.
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CLOSING THOUGHT
Success is not how well your child follows you. It is how clearly and bravely they can walk away — Into their own life. With their own voice. And still carry your love in their heart.
—
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“WHEN THEY START SINKING” — A HEALING DIALOGUE ON DEPENDENT CHILDREN
Characters:
Ramesh (Father) – 41, school teacher
Seema (Mother) – 39, homemaker
Anand (Son) – 15, sensitive, lost confidence, always asks for help
Madhukar (Healer) – A quiet man who lives simply and observes deeply
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Scene:
A simple mud house. Birds in the distance. Ramesh and Seema sit on a mat, anxious but willing. Anand waits outside, scrolling on his phone.
---
Ramesh:
We thought we were doing everything right… but our son can’t do anything without us.
Seema:
He asks us what to wear, what to eat, when to study, even how to reply to a friend.
And now… he says things like “I’m not good at anything.”
We feel like we’ve broken him.
Madhukar (softly):
You didn’t break him.
You just kept carrying him too long.
He never walked on his own legs.
Ramesh:
We didn’t want him to suffer.
We did everything for him…
Fed him, bathed him, studied with him, stayed awake for him...
Madhukar:
You didn’t want him to suffer.
But you forgot — pain is a teacher.
Falling is the only way to balance.
Hunger is how you learn to cook.
Loneliness is how you meet yourself.
You protected him from life.
And in doing so… you made life terrifying for him.
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Seema (tearfully):
So what now?
We have two more children… 11 and 6.
Can we fix this before we raise three children who can’t live without us?
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Madhukar:
Yes. But it will hurt.
Not them — you.
Because you’ll have to do what you’ve avoided all these years…
You will have to let go.
Let them fail.
Let them forget their lunch.
Let them wear mismatched socks.
Let them cry without rushing to wipe it.
Let them say “I don’t know,” and learn to figure it out.
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Ramesh:
Isn’t that cold?
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Madhukar:
No. It’s love — without addiction.
You don’t need to be needed.
You need to be present… without interference.
---
Seema:
But what if he collapses? He’s already so fragile...
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Madhukar:
He is fragile.
Because you’ve never trusted him with his own weight.
Now… trust him. Gently.
Let him:
Pack his own bag.
Talk to his teacher on his own.
Make his own food.
Sit with boredom without gadgets.
Start small. Let him wobble.
---
Ramesh:
And the younger two?
---
Madhukar:
Start today.
They are still fresh clay.
Let them serve themselves.
Let them solve small fights.
Let them manage money.
Let them feel hunger, cold, rejection, anger — and learn what to do with it.
Guide them. But don’t possess them.
---
Seema:
How will we know we’re doing it right?
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Madhukar:
You will see it in their eyes.
A quiet fire.
A calm when alone.
A curiosity that doesn’t need approval.
A confidence that says, “I’ll try.”
They will no longer ask, “Mummy, what should I do?”
Instead, they’ll say, “Let me try my way.”
---
Ramesh (softly):
And Anand?
---
Madhukar:
Sit with him tonight.
Tell him:
“We’ve been parenting you out of fear. We made you doubt yourself.
But now, we will stop rescuing you.
Because we finally trust that you are strong.”
He may cry. He may get angry.
But inside, a light will turn on.
---
Seema (whispers):
What if we relapse?
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Madhukar:
You will.
Because letting go is harder than holding on.
But remember this:
Dependency is not love.
And love is not control.
You are not your children’s master.
You are the wind behind their wings.
Not the cage.
---
A MONTH LATER
Anand begins waking up by himself.
He makes his own breakfast, sometimes burns it.
He argues. But no longer asks what to wear.
He starts teaching his younger sister how to check time and save coins.
He still doubts himself, but smiles after trying.
And Seema — for the first time — spends an afternoon doing nothing…
Without guilt.
Ramesh writes a note and pins it to the wall:
“INDEPENDENCE IS THE ONLY GIFT THAT KEEPS GIVING.”
—
---
“DON’T RAISE A PET”
(a poem for parents with shaking hands)
they said:
"give him the best."
so you did—
you gave him your hands,
your feet,
your time,
your breath,
your spine,
your sleep.
you walked his path
so long
he forgot he had legs.
you spoke for him
so much
he forgot his voice
was his.
you cried when he cried,
you clapped when he smiled,
you wiped every drop of pain
before it could even dry.
and one day—
he looked at the world
and said,
"i can’t do this."
you thought it was life
that failed him.
but it was your love.
your careful,
smothering,
overcooked love.
you turned him into
a potted plant
inside a locked greenhouse
and then wondered
why he drooped
in the wild sun.
---
children are not
temples to decorate.
they are fires
you must never blow out.
don’t raise a pet.
raise a wild animal
who knows hunger,
knows choice,
knows fight,
knows fear
and still walks forward.
don’t raise a shadow.
raise a light
that walks away from you
and still remembers your warmth
like the sun
remembers
the mountain.
---
you want to know
what love is?
love is not
waking them up.
love is
letting them sleep through the alarm
and learning the cost
of being late.
love is not
cooking their breakfast forever.
it is letting them burn the roti
until they laugh and eat it anyway.
love is not
sitting on their shoulder.
it is being the wind
behind their back
while they climb
alone.
---
there is no medal
for having obedient children.
no reward
for raising puppets.
no joy
in a son who still needs you
at 35
to make a phone call.
---
if your child cannot say,
“no, amma. I think differently.”
then you’ve failed.
if your child cannot sit alone
and feel okay,
then you’ve stolen
his soul’s legs.
---
they will cry.
you will ache.
but let them walk.
let them cook.
let them wash.
let them bleed.
let them choose.
let them be disliked.
let them be confused.
let them earn the taste
of their own courage.
---
this is not
cold parenting.
this is love
with a spine.
this is love
that ends with
a strong adult
who doesn’t need your shadow
to stand.
---
and one day,
if the wind is kind,
they will come back
not for your advice,
not for your approval,
but just to say—
"I’m okay. I figured it out.
thank you
for letting me."
and that, my friend,
is the only applause
a parent should live for.
—
