SELF-HEALING THROUGH ERIC BERNE
- Madhukar Dama
- Apr 14
- 6 min read
Understanding Emotional Games and Breaking Free
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INTRODUCTION: A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF OUR EMOTIONAL DRAMA
We live in a world full of constant chatter, expectations, and pressures. On the surface, we appear as "adults," fully capable of managing our emotions and relationships. Yet, inside, we often find ourselves trapped in the same patterns — arguing over trivial matters, feeling misunderstood, or avoiding deeper connections. These patterns — games, as Eric Berne calls them — are often a hidden force driving our lives.
In his revolutionary book Games People Play, Berne shows how these emotional games aren’t just about others; they are our unconscious scripts from the past, replayed in various forms, without us even realizing it. Self-healing, according to Berne, begins when we recognize these unconscious games and decide to stop playing them.
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THE CORE OF THE THEORY: THE EGO STATES AND THE DRAMAS WE PLAY
At the heart of Eric Berne’s theory lies a profound understanding of the ego states we all have within us. These states are the various roles we play in everyday life. We are not just one thing at all times, but rather we switch between roles based on the situation. These roles often determine how we react to others and the world around us.
The Three Ego States:
1. Parent — This is the caring or controlling voice we internalized from our parents or authority figures. It can be judgmental, critical, and sometimes overly nurturing.
2. Adult — This is the rational, calm, logical part of us that processes information objectively, free from emotional interference.
3. Child — This is the emotional, playful, rebellious, creative part of us. It's driven by needs, desires, and past experiences. It can also feel vulnerable or dependent.
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HOW THE EGO STATES CREATE THE “GAMES” WE PLAY
Games, according to Berne, are repetitive and predictable patterns of behavior that people use to avoid real intimacy and face unresolved emotional issues. These games arise when we are stuck in an unconscious ego state (Parent or Child) instead of the Adult state, which is necessary for clear, mature communication.
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EXAMPLES OF COMMON GAMES AND THEIR IMPACT ON HEALING
Let’s dive deeper into some of the more common games that Berne identifies. These are not merely problematic social behaviors; they reflect deep emotional wounds that are being avoided or perpetuated through interaction with others.
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1. “Why Don’t You – Yes But”
The Game:
You offer solutions, and the other person rejects each one, often with a “yes, but” response. They never seem satisfied, always finding an excuse not to act on the advice.
Emotional Roots:
This game is played when someone feels helpless and victimized, often from childhood experiences where they felt unable to change their circumstances. They seek sympathy, not solutions.
How it Hinders Healing:
The person never moves beyond victimhood, staying trapped in frustration and stagnation. They seek others to take on the role of “rescuer”, but they don’t feel empowered to act themselves.
Healing Move:
Instead of offering solutions, ask the person:
“Do you really want help, or do you just want to express your feelings?”
This invites them to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions.
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2. “If It Weren’t For You”
The Game:
Someone continuously blames others for their failures or lack of progress. They claim, “If it weren’t for this person or that situation, I could be successful.”
Emotional Roots:
This game reflects a deep sense of powerlessness. The person feels trapped in circumstances and has learned to project blame onto others rather than confronting their own limitations or fears.
How it Hinders Healing:
By focusing on external factors, the individual avoids taking personal responsibility for their life choices. This results in stagnation and resentment.
Healing Move:
Encourage the person to ask themselves:
“What can I control in this situation?”
Self-empowerment begins with acknowledging what is within your control — your response, your attitude, your actions.
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3. “See What You Made Me Do”
The Game:
A person denies responsibility for their mistakes and instead shifts the blame to someone else, saying, “You made me do it.”
Emotional Roots:
This is often a way to avoid guilt and shame, feelings that are unprocessed from earlier in life. It’s a self-protective game, trying to avoid facing one’s own flaws and mistakes.
How it Hinders Healing:
This game keeps a person in a victim mentality, reinforcing the belief that they are at the mercy of others, unable to change or grow.
Healing Move:
Instead of reacting defensively, encourage the person to say:
“I made that choice, and here’s why I did it.”
Taking responsibility is the first step toward genuine self-healing.
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4. “I’m Only Trying to Help”
The Game:
A person continually interferes in others’ lives, offering unsolicited advice and help, even when it isn’t needed. When the advice is rejected, they feel hurt or frustrated.
Emotional Roots:
This game often stems from fear of being unneeded or feeling inadequate. The person may have been raised in an environment where they were praised for being the “helper” and were over-identified with that role.
How it Hinders Healing:
This game prevents authentic connection, as it creates a false sense of control over others’ lives, while avoiding one’s own emotional needs. It often leads to resentment from both sides.
Healing Move:
Encourage them to ask:
“Am I truly helping, or am I trying to feel needed?”
Recognizing this dynamic allows a person to focus on their own self-worth and emotional needs instead of constantly seeking validation through helping.
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5. “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a…”
The Game:
A person waits for someone else to make a mistake, then jumps on the opportunity to criticize, blame, or punish them for it.
Emotional Roots:
This game is often rooted in revenge or resentment from past wrongs, even if those wrongs are not directly related to the current situation. It’s a way of re-enacting old emotional wounds.
How it Hinders Healing:
This game keeps the person stuck in anger and avoidance of forgiveness, prolonging their own emotional pain and preventing resolution.
Healing Move:
Encourage them to ask:
“What am I afraid of if I let go of this anger?”
Healing begins when we confront the wound, rather than seeking to hurt others.
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THE TRUE PATH OF HEALING: BEING FULLY PRESENT IN THE ADULT EGO STATE
The ultimate goal of Eric Berne’s work is to bring us into the Adult ego state — where we are calm, rational, and fully present in the moment. This is where healing occurs: in the space of awareness, where we understand that our behavior is shaped by the past, but does not have to control our future.
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PRACTICAL STEPS TO SELF-HEALING THROUGH BERNE’S THEORY
1. Awareness of the Ego States:
Begin by identifying when you are in Parent, Adult, or Child state. This awareness helps you interrupt old emotional patterns and choose healthier responses.
2. Question Your Emotional Reactions:
When you feel an emotional reaction, stop and ask yourself: “Is this an adult decision, or am I reacting from the past?”
Often, our “adult” reactions are deeply influenced by unresolved emotional wounds.
3. Take Responsibility for Your Feelings:
Instead of blaming others or the world for your pain, try saying:
“I am responsible for how I feel, and I choose to heal.”
4. Stop Playing the Games:
Identify the emotional games you tend to play and start creating a new narrative. For instance, if you catch yourself playing the “Why Don’t You – Yes But” game, pause and ask: “What do I really need here?”
5. Focus on Growth, Not Perfection:
Healing doesn’t mean being perfect. It means learning to become more self-aware and present in each moment, with compassion for your struggles and past.
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CONCLUSION: THE FREEDOM OF SELF-AWARENESS
Eric Berne’s work teaches us that healing begins when we stop playing the games — when we stop running from our emotional pain and choose to face it with clarity. By becoming aware of our unconscious scripts, we can finally step into our Adult state, where we take responsibility for our own lives and relationships, free from the past.
> “The game ends when we dare to show our real face —
not our strongest, not our smartest, not our most loyal —
just our real, raw, you.”
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“THE RULES WERE WRITTEN IN CHILDHOOD”
they hand you a flag
or a frown
or a sorry little smile when you cry —
and you spend the next 40 years
begging for one of them back.
you sit in cafés
pretending you’re an adult,
but you’re just 7 years old
in a bigger chair,
replaying mommy’s silence
or daddy’s rage
through lovers, bosses, bartenders.
you say:
“i’m just trying to help.”
but really,
you want to matter.
you say:
“i’m fine.”
but really,
you’re drowning in
no one ever really saw me.
eric berne knew.
he saw the play.
saw the actors forgetting
they were acting.
he lit a cigarette
and whispered:
“stop the script, kid.
or die every night
saying lines
you never wrote.”
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