Note : This is neither a medical advice nor replacement for Medical Treatment.
Praveen, aged about 37, is an Agricultural Sciences Graduate. He is from Jog Falls Shimoga. He is working as an Agricultural Officer at Atma.
Praveen is a dear friend of our family. Praveen lived with us for a week.
Helping others is good. But, helping others at the cost of yourself is bad. Praveen had developed a habit of getting overly concerned about and helping others. This is called RESCUER PERSONALITY or WHITE KNIGHT SYNDROME.
Praveen was driven to help other people, even at the expense of his own wellbeing.
The stress, drama and good feelings generated through helping others were like a fuel for Praveen.
Praveen felt that he is needed for the wellbeing of others.
For Praveen, the feelings of caring for others acted as a distraction for failing to care for himself. Praveen had developed weakness, lacked fitness and developed health issues like lower back pain, heel pain (Plantar Fasciitis), stress, fatigue, frustration, worry, confusions etc. Instead of caring for himself and overcoming these issues, he was impulsively looking to care for others.
Praveen was not balancing the give and take in relationships. He was giving more and taking less. For example, even though he was a highly qualified graduate, he worked as a volunteer in other's farm, like a farm Labourer. There are many people who bait and use innocent people like Praveen for their own benefits. His desire to help made him vulnerable to end up in such relationships.
Praveen had developed a strong sense of jealousy. He used to feel very jealous when his girlfriend gave attention to others. Now, he has realized that this is actually against love. He has now become conscious of his jealousy. The very act of identifying jealousy in yourself, starts healing your jealousy.
Praveen's sense of Self was externalized. His Sense of Self was dependent on helping others.
Praveen had strong desires to fix people. Among his close circle of family and friends, he always identified someone as a needy person and then automatically started helping them. Unfortunately, his help was not necessary and uninvited. On one side Praveen felt that he must help, whereas the other person felt that Praveen was forcing his ideas. This always ended up with conflicts between them. Praveen had realized that nobody likes uninvited help.
Praveen feels that he understands people's issues and can fix them. Praveen had a strong fear about pesticides in food, climate change, death of loved ones, responsibility of intimate relationships like marriage, pollution and such other issues. Through many discussions between us, Praveen realized that neither he is responsible for these issues, nor he can solve the issues of pollution, agriculture pesticides, death of loved ones and climate change. Praveen is also realizing that intimate relationships are not a burden and commitment, but adds meaning to one's life.
Praveen's desire to help others was due to low self esteem. He feels he is not worthy and is inferior to others. This feeling leads to desire to help and feel better.
Praveen was intuitively driven to needy people. After decades of this behavior, he has realized that everyone needs to take their own responsibility. Praveen had realized that cannot help others!
Praveen was unable to maintain intimate relationships. Helping when not necessary feels suffocating for others. Jealousy is poison for the harmony of a relationship. Lack of self care creates stress and diseases. This was the reason Praveen never had intimate relationships. He has now recognised these patterns and will have better relationships now. Recognition of our negativity itself is healing.
I was sure that Praveen had undergone stress during formative years of childhood. Praveen revealed that a prolonged conflict between his parents has traumatized him permanently. Praveen definitely has signs of CPTSD. But he has realized that it's past and needs to be left behind.
Praveen used to strongly feel that he needs to take care of his mother. But his mother has a very independent personality. Rescuer feels like they are a parent! Praveen had realized that his mother could take care of herself!
Praveen used to become overly dependent on others. Praveen gets anxious whenever he is alone. He said that he feels very anxious if there is more than one holiday! He felt comfortable when working. Praveen was unable to travel alone. Praveen had realized this and now he is more comfortable with himself.
Praveen faced a tricky dilemma. Whenever he rescued someone with a problem, his role was completed. But he immediately has to identify a new problem to solve! He was unable to stop after one help was done. So, he constantly developed new ways of helping others. Now he has given up. He realized that it was so silly!
Praveen was driven by the desire to be needed. Praveen always gave, without ever asking for anything in return. Helping others is definitely beneficial to Praveen. Many people volunteer for charity work if they feel depressed. It can be a great source of happiness. But when rescuing leads to ignorance of selfcare, that's when it becomes dangerous.
Praveen may be helping others as a way of avoiding unhappiness within himself. Praveen himself needs help. Praveen needed to be rescued from his rescuer personality. Through rescuing others, Praveen was wishing to be rescued. Praveen wanted to be rewarded, loved back and appreciated for his efforts. It was possible when he helped only when asked for and stopped after the help was done! He has realized this very well now. Realization is healing.
Praveen's rescuer behavior with close relatives usually turned into overly controlling and manipulative. This leads to codependency or one-sided relationships.
Instead of getting back respect, recognition and love, Praveen ended up traumatized after every help he did. He felt he was genuinely helping. But the other person felt controlled.
Through a series of discussions between us, Praveen had realized the origins, patterns and effects of his rescuer personality. This automatically begins the healing. He is now focused towards selfcare, fulfilling his own needs and living a simple life.
Take Care
Dr. Madhukar Dama
Lifestyle Advisor
8722170016 (WhatsApp Only)