PLEASER OUTSIDE, ABUSER INSIDE

INTRODUCTION: THE DUAL MASKS OF INDIAN FAMILY LIFE

In India, we’ve all met them. The uncle who donates to every temple. The auntie who is always seen feeding the poor. The father who greets every guest with folded hands. The mother who is known as the most “adjusting” woman in society.

Everyone praises them. Everyone respects them. Everyone thinks they are angels.

But you know the truth. Because you live with them. And behind those smiling faces is a sharp tongue. A cold silence. A daily humiliation. An emotional prison.

This is the untold reality of many Indian households: The person who seeks to please the world often controls and destroys the people closest to them.

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SECTION 1: WHO IS A PLEASER-ABUSER?

They appear generous outside but emotionally stingy at home.

They perform kindness publicly but insult you in private.

They treat guests like gods and treat family like furniture.

They volunteer for everyone but have no time to listen to their children cry.

They crave admiration from society but demand obedience from home. They are obsessed with being seen as good — even if they have to be cruel in private to maintain that image.

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SECTION 2: HOW THIS ABUSE IS COVERED UP IN INDIAN HOMES

1. Culture of silence – "Don’t talk badly about your parents."

2. Image obsession – "What will society think?"

3. Gaslighting – "We do so much for you! How can you say this?"

4. Guilt traps – "We sacrificed our lives for you."

5. Religious manipulation – "God will punish disobedient children."

6. Fear of isolation – "No one will support you if you speak out."

7. Public proof – Photos, donations, service — all used to prove innocence.

The victim is made to feel like the villain — while the abuser wears the halo.

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SECTION 3: SIGNS YOU’RE LIVING WITH A PLEASER-ABUSER

They never shout in front of others — only at you.

They belittle your achievements but praise strangers.

They need you to be dependent — so they can control.

They are overly nice to outsiders — to make you look like the problem.

They say “you’re too sensitive” when you call out their abuse.

They switch between kindness and cruelty — to confuse and control.

They never apologise. Instead, they sulk and make you apologise.

They don’t need to hit you. They just need to make you feel small enough that you never dare to leave.

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SECTION 4: WHY SOCIETY ENABLES THEM

We value appearances more than truth.

We confuse obedience with virtue.

We silence children and glorify elders.

We think charity outside equals goodness inside.

We refuse to believe that “nice people” can be harmful.

The abuser uses society as their shield. And the victim is left alone, unheard, unseen.

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SECTION 5: WHAT HAPPENS TO THE VICTIMS?

Lifelong guilt, confusion, and self-doubt.

Anxiety in relationships.

Suppressed voice and broken confidence.

Fear of being labelled ungrateful or dramatic.

Loss of identity — always performing, never resting.

Feeling loved only when useful or obedient.

The world sees your family as noble. But you feel like a stranger in your own home.

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SECTION 6: HOW TO BREAK FREE WITHOUT SHAME

1. Acknowledge the truth – Abuse doesn’t stop being abuse just because it’s inside a family.

2. Speak your reality – Even if no one believes you now, you must believe yourself.

3. Stop defending them – Their public kindness does not cancel your private pain.

4. Detach emotionally – Love them, pray for them, but protect your heart.

5. Build a safe circle – Find people who see you, hear you, believe you.

6. Set boundaries – It’s okay to say no. Even to elders.

7. Walk away if needed – Choosing peace is not betrayal. It’s survival.

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SECTION 7: A FINAL MESSAGE TO THE VICTIM

You are not crazy. You are not bad. You are not ungrateful.

You are finally opening your eyes. You are finally choosing to breathe. You are finally seeing that love should not hurt. That loyalty should not feel like a noose. That respect should be mutual.

And that no matter how loudly they chant mantras or donate rice — If they make you feel unsafe at home, it is abuse.

Say it again: “Pleaser outside is abuser inside.”

Not for revenge. Not to destroy. But to survive. To heal. To live.

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You can honour the love in your heart. But you must protect the light in your soul.