HEAL YOUR INNER MANIPULATOR WITH MARSHALL ROSENBERG
- Madhukar Dama
- 2 days ago
- 9 min read
When control becomes your mask, empathy is your way home.
PART ONE: WHO IS THE INNER MANIPULATOR?
The inner manipulator is not a villain.
It is the scared child inside you who once learned that honesty was punished.
It’s the part of you that believes:
If I tell the truth, I’ll be rejected.
If I ask directly, I’ll be denied.
If I say what I feel, I’ll be crushed.
So what do we do instead?
We hide the need and present a strategy.
We learn to:
Guilt people to get attention.
Plead or flatter to feel accepted.
Threaten or punish to feel safe.
Pretend we’re okay, hoping someone will guess we’re not.
That’s not evil. That’s pain wearing armor.
---
PART TWO: HOW MANIPULATION LOOKS IN DAILY LIFE
Manipulation isn’t always shouting or scheming.
It wears many polite, invisible clothes.
In parenting:
“After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
(Need: to feel appreciated, valued.)
“You’ll regret this when I’m dead.”
(Need: to be remembered, emotionally safe.)
In marriage:
Silent treatment. (Need: to feel heard, important.)
“Do what you want!” with a sigh. (Need: mutual consideration, mattering.)
Pretending not to care, while dying inside. (Need: closeness, reassurance.)
In the workplace:
Over-pleasing your boss just to be safe.
Sabotaging a teammate who threatens your role.
Boasting about achievements to mask insecurity.
In friendships:
Passive-aggressiveness.
Testing people instead of expressing fears.
“If you were really my friend, you would...”
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PART THREE: WHAT DOES MARSHALL ROSENBERG SAY?
> “Every message is either a please or a thank you —
even if it comes out as a scream or a slam.”
Marshall taught that all behavior, even ugly or cruel, is a cry for an unmet need.
When we manipulate, we are:
Too scared to express needs clearly
Too ashamed to say we’re hurting
Too conditioned to believe vulnerability is weakness
Marshall invites us not to hate the manipulator inside,
but to embrace it with honesty and care.
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PART FOUR: WHAT DOES THE INNER MANIPULATOR ACTUALLY NEED?
Let’s translate manipulative behavior into universal needs.
The moment we name the real need,
we stop the act and start the healing.
---
PART FIVE: HOW TO HEAL THE MANIPULATOR WITHIN
1. Learn to name your needs.
Most people never learned to say:
“I need closeness.”
“I need reassurance.”
“I’m longing for mutuality.”
We were taught to say:
“Why don’t you care about me?”
“You never listen!”
“I guess I don’t matter.”
One leads to connection.
The other to disconnection.
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2. Mourn your unmet needs.
You don’t need to hide anymore.
You can sit with the loss of what you never got — without blaming anyone.
Marshall said:
> “Mourning connects us to life.
Blame disconnects us from it.”
Cry.
Grieve.
Don’t rush into change.
Let the manipulator inside feel heard for the first time.
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3. Speak requests, not demands.
Instead of:
“You never spend time with me.”
Try:
“Would you be willing to sit with me tonight? I really need connection.”
Instead of:
“You only think about yourself.”
Try:
“I’m needing to feel included and considered. Can we talk about that?”
---
4. Be honest about fear.
Behind control is always fear.
Ask yourself:
What am I afraid will happen if I speak the truth?
Can I stay with that fear and give it kindness?
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5. Practice NVC daily.
Marshall's model is simple, yet powerful.
OBSERVATION: What happened? (Without blame)
FEELING: How do I feel?
NEED: What am I needing?
REQUEST: What am I asking for?
> Example:
“When I saw you walk away while I was talking (observation),
I felt hurt (feeling),
because I really need to feel heard and respected (need).
Would you be willing to sit with me for a few minutes? (request)”
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PART SIX: A STORY OF INNER HEALING
Meet Ananya, a 34-year-old mother.
Her husband forgot their anniversary.
She snapped: “You never remember anything that matters to me!”
Later, she sat down with her journal.
She wrote:
Feeling: Angry, hurt, unseen
Need: To feel valued, cherished, remembered
Truth: I didn’t ask for anything. I hoped he would guess.
New request: “Next week, would you be willing to plan something just for us? I miss our closeness.”
This is how we slowly become the empathic adults we once needed.
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PART SEVEN: WHEN YOU FAIL (AND YOU WILL)
You’ll fall back.
You’ll shout again. Manipulate again. Withdraw again.
But now…
you’ll see it.
And every time you see it, you’re closer to healing.
Don’t punish yourself.
Instead, ask gently:
What was I needing just now that I didn’t express clearly?
This is the voice of Marshall in your heart.
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PART EIGHT: SIGNS YOUR INNER MANIPULATOR IS HEALING
You pause before reacting.
You name feelings without blaming.
You make requests instead of demands.
You allow others to say no — without punishing them.
You speak your needs without fear of rejection.
You become more real, more human, more alive.
---
PART NINE: FROM MANIPULATOR TO TRANSFORMER
The manipulator says:
“I’ll get what I want, no matter what.”
The transformer says:
“Let me express what I need, and trust that honest dialogue is enough.”
The manipulator is clever.
The transformer is courageous.
The manipulator controls.
The transformer connects.
Marshall didn’t kill his manipulator.
He listened to him, hugged him, and said:
“You don’t need to fight anymore. I will speak your needs for you.”
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PART TEN: A FINAL INVITATION
Take one moment today.
Sit quietly.
Ask yourself: “What need of mine have I been hiding behind control, guilt, or silence?”
Then ask: “How can I speak that need with honesty and care?”
That’s how you begin.
Not by changing others.
But by changing the way you express yourself.
That’s where real healing begins — not through force,
but through Nonviolent Communication.
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RESOURCES
I. CORE BOOKS BY MARSHALL ROSENBERG
These are foundational and must-reads.
1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (main book)
2. Speak Peace in a World of Conflict
3. Living Nonviolent Communication
4. The Surprising Purpose of Anger
5. Being Me, Loving You
6. Raising Children Compassionately
7. We Can Work It Out (conflict resolution)
8. Practical Spirituality
9. Life-Enriching Education (on transforming education systems)
10. Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook (by Lucy Leu, based on Rosenberg’s teachings)
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II. VIDEO & AUDIO RESOURCES
Full-Length Seminars & Workshops (Free on YouTube & Vimeo)
1. “Nonviolent Communication: The Basics as I Know and Use Them” (3 hours)
2. “Speaking Peace: Connecting with Others Through NVC”
3. “Marshall Rosenberg in Israel and Palestine” (powerful field dialogue)
4. “Conflict Resolution and Mediation” – Rosenberg live workshop
5. “Nonviolent Communication & Spirituality”
6. “Giving From the Heart” (NVC in Relationships)
7. “How to Deal with Anger” by Marshall Rosenberg
Selected YouTube Channels
CNVCOfficial
BayNVC
The NVC Academy
Peace Talks (by The No-Fault Zone)
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III. ONLINE COURSES (Free & Paid)
Free Courses
1. Nonviolent Communication Basics – by CNVC (free PDF and audio)
2. BayNVC Free Introduction Series
3. Peacemaker Projects on YouTube (practice-based videos)
4. NVCLab.com – interactive NVC learning tools
Paid / Professional Courses
1. The NVC Academy (www.nvcacademy.com)
Live online courses with certified trainers
2. BayNVC Immersion Program (long-term mentorship)
3. Certified Trainer Path through CNVC (for aspiring trainers)
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IV. GUIDES, PDFs & PRACTICE SHEETS
1. “Feelings and Needs Inventory” (official CNVC list)
2. The 4-Part NVC Template: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
3. NVC Journaling Prompts
4. NVC Conflict Transformation Process Sheet
5. Healing Inner Critic with NVC – worksheet
6. NVC Practice Group Manual (how to run local practice groups)
7. Mourning & Celebration Worksheet (Marshall’s mourning process)
Most of these are available free at:
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V. PODCASTS & INTERVIEWS
1. The Communication Dojo Podcast
2. The NVC Practice Podcast (by Roxy Manning & others)
3. Sounds True: Marshall Rosenberg interview on Empathy
4. “Awakening Compassion” podcast featuring NVC trainers
5. “The Compassionate Communication Podcast”
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VI. PRACTICE COMMUNITIES
Global Networks
1. CNVC Certified Trainer Directory: www.cnvc.org/trainers
2. NVC Practice Groups (Global map)
3. NVC Facebook Groups:
Nonviolent Communication – Global
NVC Practice Group – India
NVC Parenting
Nonviolent Communication for Couples
India-based Communities
1. nvcindia.org – NVC in Indian languages
2. Arun Wakhlu’s workshops
3. Madhavi Muralidharan – NVC parenting & Tamil adaptation
4. Sahaj Foundation – Himalayan retreats with NVC practices
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VII. SPECIALIZED APPLICATIONS
In Education
Life-Enriching Education by Rosenberg
The No-Fault Zone Game (classroom kits)
Restorative Circles in Schools (by Dominic Barter)
In Parenting
Raising Children Compassionately (book)
Inbal Kashtan’s Parenting Handbook
The Connected Family Podcast
In Relationships
Kelly Bryson’s book: “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real”
The Heart of Parenting (BayNVC program)
The Marriage Lab (NVC-based tools for couples)
In Organizations
“Nonviolent Communication at Work”
CNVC’s Conflict Transformation Toolkit for Companies
Mediate Your Life – professional conflict resolution through NVC
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VIII. NVC-INSPIRED LEADERS & AUTHORS TO FOLLOW
1. Kelly Bryson – Humor & NVC in relationships
2. Robert Gonzales – NVC and self-connection
3. Roxy Manning – NVC and social change
4. Miki Kashtan – NVC and systemic change
5. Jim and Jori Manske – Practical daily NVC
6. Liv Larsson – Advanced emotional processing
7. Oren Jay Sofer – Mindfulness meets NVC
8. Dominic Barter – Restorative Circles
9. Sarah Peyton – Neuroscience & NVC
10. Inbal Kashtan – Parenting & empathy
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IX. RECOMMENDED BOOKS BASED ON NVC PRINCIPLES
1. Say What You Mean – Oren Jay Sofer
2. Words That Work in Business – Ike Lasater
3. The Art of Empathy – Karla McLaren
4. Crucial Conversations – Patterson, Grenny et al.
5. Your Resonant Self – Sarah Peyton
6. The Compassion Book – Pema Chödrön (resonant companion)
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X. EXPERIENTIAL TOOLS & GAMES
1. The GROK Cards (feelings & needs card deck)
2. The No-Fault Zone Game
3. Empathy Poker (used in training sessions)
4. The NVC Dance Floors (visual learning floor mats)
5. Jackal & Giraffe puppets (used by Rosenberg in live sessions)
—
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HEALING DIALOGUE
Between a Struggling Mother and Marshall Rosenberg
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Setting: A small, quiet room. Ananya, a 38-year-old working mother, sits across from Marshall Rosenberg, her face tense, eyes tired.
Ananya:
I’m exhausted, Marshall. I feel like I’m running a never-ending circus.
Kids, work, husband, in-laws. And still… no one appreciates me.
When I try to say something, it turns into a fight.
So I just manipulate my way to get things done. What else can I do?
Marshall:
May I gently ask — what do you mean by manipulate?
Ananya (pauses):
I guilt them.
I say things like “If I die tomorrow, you’ll regret this.”
I do everything for them, then throw it in their face.
I punish with silence.
I hint instead of asking.
I just… can’t ask for what I want. I feel weak when I do that.
Marshall:
I hear so much pain beneath your strategy.
It sounds like you're longing for care, contribution, appreciation… and perhaps peace?
Ananya (tears welling up):
Yes… I just want to matter.
I want someone to see me. To ask how I am doing.
Marshall (softly):
That is such a precious need, Ananya.
And it makes sense — the moment you feel invisible, the manipulator inside you rises to protect you.
Not because she’s evil… but because she’s scared.
Ananya:
But isn’t that wrong? Isn’t it unhealthy?
Marshall:
It’s unspoken mourning.
When needs are unmet for too long — we grab, plead, control, or vanish.
But what if you could express your need like this:
“When I feel unseen after a long day, I feel sadness and exhaustion. I’m needing some acknowledgment, some shared space. Would you be willing to sit with me for ten minutes?”
Ananya:
No one’s ever spoken like that to me.
Marshall:
So become the first.
Let your children grow up hearing their mother speak with honesty, not guilt.
Let your husband see your truth, not your tantrum.
Ananya (crying):
What if they still don’t care?
Marshall:
Then you mourn — and speak again.
With love. With dignity.
You no longer beg to be understood.
You offer yourself to be known.
—
“The Day I Stopped Twisting Arms”
---
they called me manipulative.
I called it
survival.
you don’t grow up watching
love arrive
unless someone’s crying
bleeding
or blackmailing.
I learned early:
you want love?
you better earn it
twist for it
guilt-trip your way to the door
then kneel, beg,
and still get crumbs.
so I
became sharp.
became sly.
smiled wide with knives in my words
and every silence had teeth.
don’t ask?
you don’t get.
ask clearly?
you get hurt.
so I learned to dance —
not with rhythm,
but with fear.
I played people like cards,
stacked moments like Jenga blocks
until everything crashed
and I blamed them
for not knowing what I never dared to say.
but then one day,
some old guy with curly hair and a giraffe puppet
sat across from me
and asked:
what are you needing, sweetheart?
I said
nothing.
I said
I’m fine.
he said:
no, tell me the truth
that your fists are hiding.
and I broke.
right there.
broke
like a window kissed by a crowbar of compassion.
I told him I wanted to be held
without conditions.
to be loved
without strategy.
to say:
I need you
and not feel like a loser.
he nodded.
not as an expert.
but like a man who had listened
to thousands of ghosts
trapped in living bodies.
he said:
“you can stop twisting arms now.
there’s another way.
it starts with mourning
and ends with connection.”
so now,
I still fall
but I fall with less noise.
I speak
and wait.
I hurt
and breathe.
and sometimes,
they hear me.
but even when they don’t —
I’m no longer
the puppetmaster
of my own pain.
—
