Now a days I feel happy when :
- a patient heals.
- I make money.
- my daughters are learning regularly.
- someone says that I am a good person.
- there is germination, growth, flowering or fruiting in my garden.
- a healed patient recommends another patient.
- a old friend or relatives visit us.
- people adhere to the boundaries we have created to maintain our way of life.
and so on the list goes.......
Similarly, I get unhappy when :
- a patient fails to heal even after multiple visits and numerous efforts.
- I am not making money in many days.
- someone says that I am strict, non-cooperative, rigid, bad etc.
- the garden is affected.
- patients have a negative feedback.
- so called friends & relatives talk low on my back.
- my boundaries are violated.
and so on it goes....
My approach is same with all my clients. But why some recover and some fail to recover? Why some praise me where as others blame me? I started looking deeper into this and found that the people who are recovering are much more honest than people who fail to recover. Honest people are implementing as many diet and lifestyle improvements as possible, whereas dishonest people are neglecting suggestions. Honest people trust and try. Dishonest people don't trust anyone as they don't trust themselves. Is it possible to do anything here? I found that its absolutely impossible to help a dishonest person. The help can only be done when he develops some honesty. I know all this, but why the hell I feel sad when some dishonest person fails to recover and spreads negativity about me? I even know that his own people don't trust him. There is only one explanation for this. I have a deep desire in me to be praised. But it's just impossible, because everyone cannot praise me. I can do nothing about it. Whenever I get carried away with this sadness, I just affirm myself that it is OK to be not liked. There are many people who likes me. And that is more than enough. The sadness goes down and disappears. I have implemented many steps to identify and enroll only honest people for the healing journey.
The way I have been working from last 6-8 years, I earn money very irregularly. My earning has no pattern. Some days I make a lot of money. Many days, and sometimes even for weeks I don't earn any money. Sometimes I earn every day for weeks. I feel high and happy whenever I earn more money. At the same time, I feel low if no money is coming from many days or weeks. I have a good amount saved. But I seem to forget about it during the sad times. People visit me whenever it is suitable for them. So, it is just impossible for me to make money daily. It seems I am programmed to seek money daily. And this is rewarded through a feeling of goodness. Deep inside I feel good or bad in relation to the money I am making. I have saved money, I have a farm, I have a home, I have no immediate need for more money, our health is perfect and I am not in any debt. This means, I really don't need to earn a lot of money daily. Even though I consciously know these things, my programming overrides and creates these feeling of good or bad. So I took action because I don't want to feel sad. I stopped taking loans and spending more than I have. I started earning more by providing better service. And everyday morning I check my bank balance. This lowers whatever sadness is persisting in my head.
Now a days, Adhya and Anju are enlisting, writing and trying to remember the names of household items. There are hundreds of items around us. When Adhya writes 5 to 10 words and is able to spell them, I feel good. If she is doing this daily, I feel so good. However, some days and even for some weeks, she just don't show any interest in learning words. This makes me feel sad. That Adhya is not learning. I have spent 25 years in schooling and college. Schooling and college depends on making the student learn through fear and enticement. Students are praised and rewarded for learning the syllabus. Students are punished and degraded for not learning. I have always been a proficient learner, and have been amply praised and rewarded. So, I am programmed to continue this behaviour. But I also don't want to force my daughters to just learn whatever is there. There is no need to learn everything. I saw that, Adhya stops reading and writing when she is doing crafts. She likes gardening very much. When she is putting lots of efforts in gardening or making crafts, how can she read and write? It is just impossible. I am now able to see Adhya in entirety of learning. When I focus on just learning through books, I am becoming very narrow! Life is not just textbook or syllabus. There are many things. gardening is also very important. From some weeks, she is bringing sticks from forest and trying to build a home for herself! This is something amazing and is a result of her doing crafts from years.
THE ESSENCE IS:
- it is not possible and is not necessary to be good always.
- aiming for being good is infact bad for me and bad for others.
- people say I am good, when they are easily able to use me. If they are unable to use me, they say I am bad.
- others have programmed me to be a good boy, so that they can use me.
- if I am not aiming to be a good man, I am not a bad man either!
- I focus now on being good for myself. This automatically creates goodness for everyone associated with me.
- I have suffered a lot trying to be good. I am creating suffering in others when I am pushing them to become good.
- I don't owe anything to anybody and nobody owes me anything.
- Everyone is supposed to take care of themselves, just like I am taking care of myself.
- Nothing bad happens to anybody when they don't get anything from me. They find other Bakra (gullible people).
- lots of blackmails, brainwashing, fear-mongering, praising, punishing, manipulating, controlling and all such techniques are constantly used by everyone around you, all the time, to make use of you.
- the greatest fear is losing people. You are afraid of losing people if you don't help them. Come out of the illusion. Nobody depends on you for their life. They just want to use you for pleasures.
Are you healthy, free from debt, is not affected by others opinions, sleep well, relaxed, confident, and live a peaceful steady life. Congratulations. You are a bad boy for others. But you are a good boy for yourself.
Are you suffering, unhealthy, in debt, restless, anxious, overthinking, angry, eager to help, frustrated...? Congratulations. You are a good boy for others. But you are the worst enemy of yourself.
I chose to be a good boy for myself. And the aimless suffering evaporated.
I cannot lose a friend that I dont have!
*****