Disease is also Used as a Controlling Weapon
- Madhukar Dama
- 14 hours ago
- 7 min read
Amma, Please Let Me Live
Setting: A quiet evening in a middle-class Indian home.
Meera is 30, unmarried, works from home, takes care of her mother full-time.
Her mother is 62, has BP and joint pain, but often uses it to stop Meera from living her own life.
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Amma:
Meera, don’t go out today. My BP is acting up again. Who will take me to the doctor if something happens?
Meera (gently):
You said the same thing yesterday, Amma. And the day before. Every time I try to step out, your BP goes up. Do you see that?
Amma (hurt):
So now I am lying? You think your mother is faking her illness?
Meera (sits beside her):
No, Amma. I know your pain is real. But I also know that sometimes you use it to stop me from doing anything without guilt.
Amma (turns away):
I gave you my whole life, and now you talk like this?
Meera:
Yes, Amma. You gave me your life. And I am thankful. But I did not ask you to stop living for me. And now you are asking me to stop living for you.
Amma (tears up):
I’m just scared, Meera. You are all I have. What if I fall and die and no one is home?
Meera (holds her hand):
Amma… I want to be here for you. But not as a prisoner. Not out of fear.
You say you are scared of dying, but I am scared of never living.
Amma (quietly):
But I am sick. I can’t help it.
Meera:
I know. But you refuse healing, Amma.
You don’t want to eat fruits. You don’t want to walk. You say no to sunlight. You skip your checkups. You want me to carry your body and your fear — but you don’t want to heal.
Amma (starts to cry):
I didn’t even realise I was doing this.
Meera (softly):
It became a habit, Amma. Because every time you felt insecure, you became “sick.”
And I would drop everything. Cancel plans. Miss interviews. Not even talk to friends.
Because you taught me — that your health depends on my obedience.
Amma (whispers):
I just wanted to feel important.
Meera:
You are important, Amma. But not like this. Not through fear.
You don’t have to control me to be loved. You just have to be real with me.
Amma (sits up slowly):
Can you help me heal… truly?
Meera (smiles with tears):
Yes. But only if you stop using your illness like a remote control.
Let’s eat together. Walk together. Laugh again.
Not live in this disease drama.
We both deserve more than fear.
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AFTERWORD
That night, Amma and Meera sat together without guilt or control.
It was the first time in years they spoke truthfully.
It hurt. It healed.
The illness didn’t vanish in a day.
But the chain did.
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WHEN DISEASE BECOMES A TOOL TO CONTROL OTHERS
How pain is misused, and how truth can heal
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INTRODUCTION
Illness is real. Pain is real. But sometimes, people use illness for something else — to get what they want, to stop others from living freely, or to make people feel guilty.
This happens more often than we think.
A mother may say, “You don’t love me — that’s why I’m falling sick.”
A husband may say, “Don’t stress me — I have BP — do what I say.”
A doctor may say, “You must take this medicine for life — or you will die.”
At first, these may sound like concern or truth. But slowly, they become a cage — a way to control others using disease.
Let’s explore how this works, where it happens, why people do it, and how we can stop it — with love and honesty.
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PART 1: HOW PEOPLE USE ILLNESS TO CONTROL OTHERS
1. Using Sympathy as Power
Some people talk a lot about their sickness — not to heal, but to get attention.
They want everyone to listen to them.
They want to be treated like a king or queen.
They say “I’m unwell” to avoid responsibility.
They don’t want help to get better.
They want help to feel special.
They enjoy being seen as weak, because then no one asks them to change.
2. Emotional Blackmail Using Disease
This is very common in families.
“I will die of stress if you marry that person.”
“If you move to another city, I will collapse.”
“Because of your behaviour, I got a heart problem.”
These are dangerous sentences.
They make others feel like criminals.
Children stop living their dreams.
Partners stay silent in a bad marriage.
Everyone starts walking on eggshells.
In the name of love, control is happening.
3. Faking or Exaggerating Illness
Some people lie or stretch the truth.
They say they have headaches every time they are questioned.
They say they feel weak only when they are told to do something.
They go to many doctors just to get sympathy or pills.
This is called attention-seeking through illness.
It can also be a psychological condition called Munchausen Syndrome.
Some mothers even make their children sick — so that the child stays dependent, and everyone praises the “caring mother.” This is known as Munchausen by Proxy.
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PART 2: WHERE THIS HAPPENS
1. In Families
Parents control children’s life choices using illness.
Children avoid growing up by acting sick.
One family member’s illness becomes the excuse for stopping every plan.
2. In Relationships
A partner uses their blood pressure or diabetes to avoid communication.
One person always stays “sick” so the other always feels guilty.
3. In Hospitals and Clinics
Some doctors scare patients to keep them coming back.
They say: “Never stop this medicine or you’ll die.”
Many times, people are kept sick to keep them loyal to the hospital.
4. In Society and Politics
Governments use fear of disease to make people follow orders.
During pandemics, this became very clear.
Some groups were blamed more, some voices were silenced.
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PART 3: WHY PEOPLE DO THIS
1. They are Afraid to Lose Control
If someone is losing control of others, they might suddenly become "sick" — to pull everyone back.
Fear of being ignored becomes illness.
2. They Want Love — But Ask Through Pain
Some people never learned to ask for love directly.
They believe: “If I am sick, people will care for me.”
They use sickness to feel seen.
3. They Don’t Want to Change
It’s easier to say, “I’m sick” than to say, “I need to change.”
By staying sick, they avoid work, truth, responsibility.
4. They Have Learned That It Works
If a person uses illness once to win an argument and it works — they do it again.
It becomes a habit. Then a way of life.
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PART 4: HOW THIS HARMS EVERYONE
The sick person never truly heals.
They live in fear, attention, and pills — not real recovery.
The caretakers become prisoners.
They stop living their own lives, always scared of hurting the sick one.
Children grow up guilty.
They feel they must sacrifice their dreams to keep someone else “okay.”
Truth disappears.
Nobody talks openly anymore. Only pity, silence, and resentment remain.
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PART 5: HOW TO HEAL THIS PATTERN
1. See the Pattern Clearly
Ask yourself:
Is this person’s illness real?
Or is it only used during conflict?
Do they allow help — or reject every solution?
Once you see the pattern, you can respond better.
2. Set Kind but Clear Boundaries
You can say:
“I love you. But I cannot give up my life to keep you comfortable.”
“Let’s find healing — not repeat fear.”
“I won’t argue. But I will not obey out of guilt.”
3. Help the Person Heal for Real
Sometimes, people act sick because they never got real care.
Show them food, sleep, sun, water, fresh air, laughter, rest.
Help them break the drama and find real wellness.
4. Stop Being a Slave to Guilt
Your life is your own.
Loving someone doesn’t mean dying for them every day.
You can care — without being controlled.
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PART 6: SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS USING ILLNESS TO CONTROL
They only feel sick when not obeyed.
They never try real healing — only ask for sympathy.
They reject advice but expect attention.
They guilt-trip others constantly.
They stay unwell for years without change.
They use illness to control money, relationships, decisions.
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CONCLUSION
Sickness deserves care.
But when sickness is used like a rope to tie others down — it becomes dangerous.
True healing begins with honesty.
Not just honesty with doctors — but with ourselves.
Ask:
“Am I using my pain to get something?”
“Is someone else using pain to keep me trapped?”
“Is this real — or is this emotional blackmail?”
Once we see the truth, we can choose freedom.
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DETAILED, SIMPLE SUMMARY QUOTE
“When illness becomes a reason to stop others from living, it is no longer just a disease — it is a chain. True love doesn’t control. True healing doesn’t come from guilt.”
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“She Said It Was Just BP”
— in the style of Charles Bukowski
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she sat there
on the sagging sofa
like a queen without a crown,
clutching her temple
every time I spoke of leaving.
“my BP,”
she’d whisper,
as if my dreams
were a syringe
pumping poison into her veins.
I cancelled cities,
paused love,
left jobs hanging
like shirts on a line
in the rain.
she said it was love.
but love doesn’t choke.
love doesn’t keep receipts
for every sacrifice.
she had her pills.
but I swallowed the silence.
she had her doctor.
but I became the medicine.
every heartbeat I had
was held ransom
by a pressure cuff
wrapped in guilt.
one day,
I stood up,
not against her,
but for myself.
she didn’t collapse.
she didn’t die.
she just sighed
and asked,
“so, will you be back for dinner?”
love didn’t die that day.
control did.
and suddenly,
we both had room to breathe.
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