CONGRATULATIONS! IF YOU HAVE THESE DISEASES, YOU ARE A MILLIONAIRE
- Madhukar Dama
- 10 hours ago
- 5 min read
In India, success is measured not by your peace of mind, but by your blood pressure.
Owning bungalows, SUVs, gold jewelry, and insurance policies — that's just the beginning.
The real prize?
A full-fledged, lifelong subscription to stress-related diseases.
Let’s see how each traditional millionaire behavior opens the grand doors to India’s favorite diseases:
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1. Hypertension (High Blood Pressure)
Behavior: Arguing about property disputes with your own brothers over 2 feet of land.
2. Coronary Artery Disease
Behavior: Hosting 300-guest weddings where you worry about "izzat" more than health.
3. Heart Attack (Myocardial Infarction)
Behavior: Screaming at servants because your second tea didn’t have enough sugar.
4. Stroke
Behavior: Getting shocked because your son decided to marry a girl from another caste.
5. Type 2 Diabetes
Behavior: Ending every meal with 3 laddoos, 2 rasgullas, and one ice cream — "after all, we are not poor."
6. Obesity
Behavior: Sitting for 6 hours daily watching serials and election debates — moving only from sofa to bed.
7. Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
Behavior: Eating oily wedding food three nights in a row because "it’s insulting to refuse."
8. Ulcerative Colitis
Behavior: Bottling up anger for years against your mother-in-law, smiling at her everyday.
9. Gastritis
Behavior: Drinking 8 cups of strong chai on an empty stomach to "start the day properly."
10. Peptic Ulcers
Behavior: Worrying about your daughter's marriage from the moment she's born.
11. Migraine Headaches
Behavior: Hosting relatives every weekend, smiling nonstop while cooking 8 items.
12. Tension Headaches
Behavior: Attending family functions where you must pretend everything is perfect.
13. Insomnia (Sleep Disorders)
Behavior: Calculating EMI payments and jewelry gold rates at 3:00 AM.
14. Depression
Behavior: Becoming rich, but watching your own children treat you like an ATM machine.
15. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Behavior: Constantly worrying what neighbors will say if you sell your old car.
16. Panic Disorder
Behavior: Panicking because your son scored 97% instead of 99%.
17. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Behavior: Wiping marble floors thrice a day to impress guests.
18. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Behavior: Living through decades of joint family fights and endless "baithaks."
19. Bipolar Disorder (Episodes Triggered)
Behavior: One day giving donations to temples, next day cursing God for your son's failures.
20. Asthma (Stress-Induced)
Behavior: Breathing in Delhi air every Diwali while cursing "kids these days" for bursting crackers.
21. Psoriasis
Behavior: Wearing tight synthetic clothes at weddings because "it looks royal."
22. Eczema
Behavior: Using extra-strong Dettol everywhere, even for bathing newborns.
23. Alopecia Areata (Hair Loss)
Behavior: Stressing daily about your neighbor’s new SUV.
24. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
Behavior: Skipping breakfast, eating 4 samosas at lunch, and gulping cola at 5 PM.
25. Male Erectile Dysfunction
Behavior: Thinking about land registration issues during marital intimacy.
26. Female Sexual Dysfunction
Behavior: Planning gold shopping lists during "romantic" holidays.
27. Infertility (Both Men and Women)
Behavior: Delaying marriage till mid-thirties because "career first, family later."
28. Thyroid Disorders (Graves’, Hashimoto’s)
Behavior: Eating 90% packaged foods thinking "foreign brands mean quality."
29. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Behavior: Attending 10 family functions in one month and calling it "social duty."
30. Fibromyalgia
Behavior: Smiling through unbearable back and neck pain because "ladies don't complain."
31. Multiple Sclerosis (Stress Worsens)
Behavior: Shifting cities every 2 years for kids’ "better education."
32. Cancer (Stress-Linked)
Behavior: Smearing fairness creams and chemical perfumes daily for 30 years without blinking.
33. Autoimmune Diseases (Lupus, RA)
Behavior: Bottling up anger against relatives, neighbors, teachers, and in-laws...forever.
34. Parkinson’s Disease (Stress Worsens)
Behavior: Handling endless temple fund committees, colony fights, and fake prestige wars.
35. Alzheimer’s Disease (Accelerated)
Behavior: Remembering every insult for 30 years but forgetting your grandson’s birthday.
36. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Behavior: Signing up kids for 10 classes — Bharatnatyam, chess, math Olympiad, karate — and wondering why they can't focus.
37. Behavioral Disorders in Children
Behavior: Forcing kids to greet every adult with fake smiles at every social event.
38. Substance Abuse Disorders (Alcohol, Drugs)
Behavior: Drinking secretly at every social gathering because "thoda stress kam hota hai."
39. Eating Disorders (Anorexia, Binge Eating)
Behavior: Punishing daughters for "looking fat" before matchmaking events.
40. Chronic Pain Disorders
Behavior: Sleeping on thick, ultra-soft expensive mattresses that destroy your back.
41. Temporomandibular Joint Disorder (TMJ)
Behavior: Clenching jaw through every insulting comment from nosy relatives.
42. Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD)
Behavior: Eating spicy oily chaats at midnight after watching IPL finals.
43. Premature Aging (Skin and Body)
Behavior: Applying talcum powder, creams, and bleaching agents daily from teenage years.
44. Weakened Immune System
Behavior: Living in hyper-sanitized AC rooms, never touching mud or sunlight.
45. High Cholesterol (Stress Worsens)
Behavior: Replacing breakfast with samosas and vadas, feeling proud of "hearty eating."
46. Menstrual Disorders (Irregular, Painful Periods)
Behavior: Starving for figure maintenance, gorging on junk at night.
47. Postpartum Depression
Behavior: Being judged by 20 relatives within two hours of giving birth.
48. Sudden Cardiac Arrest
Behavior: Trying to finalize 5 marriage alliances, 3 land deals, and 1 court case in a single day.
49. Self-Harm and Suicidal Behavior
Behavior: Believing success means having more gold, bigger house, fancier car — at any cost.
50. Workplace Burnout Syndrome
Behavior: Sending "good morning" messages to 100 WhatsApp groups before even brushing teeth.
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CONCLUSION
Congratulations, bhaisaab!
If you are carrying 10+ of these glorious traditions on your head, you have unlocked millionaire status... not in happiness, but in medical bills.
Puja, vastu, gold coins, Ambani weddings — none of them can save you from the real enemy: yourself.
—
Congratulations, Crorepati
you wore
your hypertension
like a gold chain.
you polished
your diabetes
like a family diamond.
you fed
your cholesterol
with 4 plates of jalebi,
and still called it "simple living."
you screamed
at your son for marrying a Christian girl,
and collapsed with a stroke
before the wedding invitations were printed.
you installed
air purifiers in every room,
but your soul
still choked on Delhi smog and regrets.
you fought
for two feet of ancestral land,
and lost your hair, your teeth, your sons,
everything — except the land.
you called it
"stress of responsibilities"
when you drank yourself
to liver failure after every Diwali bonus.
you built
a four-story house
and forgot to build
a body that could climb the stairs.
you sent
your daughter to learn Bharatanatyam,
but never taught her
how to dance without fear.
you prayed
for peace at Tirupati,
but cursed your neighbor
over parking space
the same evening.
you grew old
counting bank balances,
not blessings.
you taught your children
to touch elders’ feet,
but forgot
to teach them to touch hearts.
you bought air-conditioned cars,
air-conditioned bedrooms,
air-conditioned weddings,
air-conditioned deaths.
you never learned
that breath,
laughter,
sunlight,
a tree’s shadow —
were free.
you made yourself sick
with ambition,
with fear,
with comparisons,
with family honor,
with caste pride,
with neighbor envy,
with sweet poison on silver plates.
congratulations, crorepati —
you have it all.
except the only thing
worth having.
—
